Archive | July, 2013

Freedom in his hands……

30 Jul

Freedom in his hands......

the true desire of being you.

all you have ever wished.

you wake up with the ankle cuff lose, the whip marks to be hid and the freshness of wanting it all.

the scattered clothes on the floors, underwear…he stripped you naked, legs shoulder length apart. He felt your breath, watched you lick your lips and kissed you, feeling his tongue deep within your mouth.

He stood back to admire his gift, you, the present before him. His cock firmly in his hand you watched, wanting to be touched but it was not your time.

Your freedom comes to you, bound to the bed with cuffs, wrists within satin rope structures, they feel as soft as your touch.

on all fours your bare for him to watch closer, you have no sight…the freedom starts.

with spanks on the buttocks, your aroused, you do not speak words are not enough. You feel the burn, the sharpness but it is only pleasure to you. Your clit is touched, “your wet he smiles”….

then whish, the crop lightens on your buttocks and you wince with the pain…you care not to count for you are lost in the moment, like tidal waves you waited for this.

you are not allowed to orgasm, he knows you are close, your waiting for his command…his need, his wish, his desire….your freedom is now his.

He takes you from behind, entering slowly – pulling out quickly, you push onto him wanting it all but he teases and pulls out instead, then in to the edge, out, in half way, out and wham you feel all of him inside you, grinding fast, taking all of you…..this is the freedom you need.

you lean back onto him, his left hand rubbing your clit, right hand on your nipple…..

your giving the command to orgasm, both grasping the freedom and at the same time…

your body vibrates against his, he loosens your bounds, your restraints and you seem the glimmer of light with now your sight….a candle and as the wax hits your warm skin it turns to oil…..a massage especially for you.

“Good girl”….he whispers……

this morning, you awake ..

you wake up with the ankle cuff lose, the whip marks to be hid and the freshness of wanting it all.

your Master is watching.


Out of date……

29 Jul

Out of date......

In time I will be out of date.

The youth I have on my side will be no desire to the men I admire. They will seek a younger model.

The wives of the married men will be safe from my claws but another women will be waiting.

My body will only crave the desire in gleeful moments for the affairs I have grown used to. Instead the body I own will be encased in my husband’s arms I will long to hug me only.

My time will not allow me to talk to the men that have entered and left, I will look back on the moments with shame and guilt when eventually I have children of my own……looking into their eyes and learning them the values and beliefs I so wish I had. I will be a hypocrite.

In time I will be out of date.

The sexualisation I use within my power will not draw these men to me. I will make space in my heart and soul to say good-bye to their lies, deceitfulness and the addiction they so crave. In turn I will say good-bye to that part of me.

The sense of forgiveness to these men will enable me to understand my own faults and crimes for walking with these accomplices, leading the double life but not enjoying the current moment.

My memories will remind me that I never loved any of them, I missed out on the cherished moments with my husband when my mind space was elsewhere.

Although my journey, my life, my adventure will continue in those lonely moments it will remind me of how all the wives felt when their husband, their beloved man spent cherished time with me. It is then my actions will haunt me.

In time I will be out of date to all the men who have cherished me….
You will not crave me…..
You will not want me……
You will not think me…..
You will not need me…..
You will not care for me……
You will have another submissive

Me, I will be out of date, replaced by a newer model for you to have your affair with.

Waxed and Iced

28 Jul


How he kept me close by without seeing me…

28 Jul

I couldn’t agree more…reminds me of my experience with Mr M. x

Womanizer & Me

Casanova actually drove 30 minutes just to pick me up and drive me to San Jose that Sunday morning. This really was nice of him, and I was falling for his kindness.

But now that I think back, I think that it was after this day that he started to look for the next victim. Though he texted/called me through out the week, he told me that he had family engagements that weekend. At that time, I didn’t doubt him, but I know now that whenever he says family/friend engagements, it’s a lie.


Womanizers are ridiculously busy. They are FAKE busy. They will make stupid excuses… which I found out a couple of months later…

It was the first weekend that I didn’t see Casanova. I had a lot to do that weekend, but I kept wondering what he was doing. Even though he wasn’t there…

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Simon, the newbie

28 Jul


It is amazing how life can bring us sweet delights while the body aches in unforgiving circumstances, not only the soul but the body itself.

After talking to Simon (a married man) over two weeks now we planned to spend the afternoon together last Sunday. My husband was away for the week-end and I was “free” to meet him. Last Sunday morning I was yearning it to be Mr M that I was meeting. I thought of him constantly as I slid the fitted dress over my body, wearing blue underwear that Mr M would have loved. I tried to push him out of my mind but every second he would reappear fulfilling my body with the enormous thirst of him.

I was inputting the destination that Simon and I agreed into my Sat Nav when the low ping of an e-mail came through. And there it was Mr M, thinking of me. I wondered for one insane moment if he we had this amazing connection, that he knew I was yearning for him….was this a sign I shouldn’t be at going on the date…should I step back into my house sling this bloody dress off and return to my robe. I felt angry towards Mr M, reminding myself of the times he hadn’t contacted me, had me waiting and I guess in “revenge” I needed to meet Simon to at least get control over my life and move on from Mr M.

I met Simon in the car park. He had brought me chocolates “something you can eat, hide the evidence”. Reminding me that indeed we are both married.

Simon wanted to hold my hand within 3 minutes, I declined thinking this was unusual “I’m a tactile person Lucy”. My boundaries were set, this was an interview on my part of least to see if the chemistry of our e-mails could continue.

The afternoon was glorious, what started off with a coffee moved onto a walk, then to a glass of wine where we debated on a topic of “females” then to lunch.

Yes he was tactile, constantly touching me at any opportunity in a more “belonging” way than a sexual way. ..kissing my hair when he returned from the toilets or how is arm reached round my waist. However he did remind me how he would love a picture of me knelt before him and his cock in my mouth. I didn’t answer, stunned at his suggestion and getting aroused at the vivid image.

We parted with a simple kiss on the lips and I received a text message confirming he enjoyed the afternoon and would like to see me again. I too wanted to see him.

Sunday evening I e-mailed Mr M and he replied saying he too would like to see me again but it would be September as this co-insided with my recovery. I felt by the e-mail our special friendship was over. It is as I searched illicit encounters this morning and guess what he is “online”. For a second I felt anxiety but I guess we are both moving on but how I wish, the most smallest part of me that it was me he was thinking and speaking to.

On Tuesday afternoon Simon and I spoke for 4 hours. He was driving back from a meeting and I was curled in the bed, tripping on painkillers. I don’t know how our conversation turned to dominance/submissiveness but it did. He had never tried it before and there I was telling him it was something I desired. That evening we exchanged a “sexual questionnaire” that we both created asking each other what we liked. He had never spanked anyone before and in a later conversation he thought it difficult to do so as what he was taught growing up. This didn’t surprise me in the slightest however he remained open to the idea.

Simon was in the area on Thursday and we met again, this time at shopping complex. I was in a lot of pain the night before, I hadn’t slept in three nights and on reflection I wasn’t looking my best but was prompted to meet him as he is now on holidays.

Simon greeted me with a gift, when I later opened it there was more chocolate. He requested a kiss, a part of seems shut off from these tactile moments. It was something Mr M and I never experienced. Simon requested I held his hand, he felt cold which was so unusual considering the warm weather. I imagined his fingers inside me or one finger in my anus while his cock was fucking me. It seems I am more drawn to the sexual side of the relationship than the kissing and holding hands….but is that part of the relationship.

We had lunch, talking about a wide range of topics and to the end of the meal he said “your not very giving with your touching”. I reminded Simon we were very close to my house and I was concerned, he agreed.

Sitting on leather sofa enjoying coffee he reminded me “if this sofa was somewhere private I would have you on your knees by now and fucking you from behind. I’m getting a hard on with just the thought”.

We parted late afternoon on Thursday for me to return to my husband, for him to his wife. Before we did so we spent time in his car in a crowded car park. He kissed me fully for the first time…gosh I wish he could have taken me there and then when he bent his head and pulled at my jeans with his teeth. I felt his cock through his trousers later finding out he was 8 inches with a circumference of 6! The photos he sent me were to proof as I had difficulty believing him…..and wow…..

However I am concerned. Simon has already highlighted his preference for “deep throat” and anal sex…he will need to train me for both as I have never been with someone so big. This will be a first for me, like the first time he will be a dominant. I guess we will be teaching each other but I have ne

Simons dominant side had been awaken from the Sunday of our first encounter but for now he proposed we continue our “courtship” building up the anticipation of the first time we would have sex and for him to eventually own me……


My body aches…….

19 Jul

in all places.

There are no words to describe the place my mind, body, spirit and soul is in. I am lost at sea, the waves have been too rough this week and I can’t find my anchor.

Writing about Mr A on Monday night left me with the devastating replay of longing for him. Replaying in my mind what it felt like to have his kiss…starting with slow pecks on my forehead, around my face…my neck to finally my lips. It was his routine as his fingers tickled my bare stomach. The smell of his body lingering on me even after he had left and prolonging to shower so I could stay in the aftermath of him. This longing hurts…to hold him, run my hands through his hair to then massage his neck. I would want to touch all of him and tell him how much I have missed him…to have my tears kissed away and to fall asleep in his arms.

It is no surprise to me that memories of Mr A has been awakened. During the recent affair with Mr M…I always felt “bad”, not only for my husband (shame, guilt – you name it) but the fact Mr M was my first lover since Mr A died. I had many lovers when Mr A was alive but it changed so much when I knew I could no longer be with him….someone else’s touch hurts, it reminds me too much of Mr A

Wednesday evening
I went to a friends art exhibition. My friend who has a wonderful imagination and was able to hold the exhibition on a roof top with only 3 days of planning – mainly due to the glorious weather. The scenes of the city were very romantic, a piece of art itself.

I was lost in the night, enjoying the wine…company of our friends and feeling my husbands arm round my back…maybe I have my anchor but as soon as I felt the containment of my emotions a song came through the night air (song – who’s crying now)….. my body, mind, soul, spirit was……

transported by memories to approx. 3 months ago….I was no longer at the art exhibition…I was with Mr M. I felt a tightening in my chest, flush rise from my feet, to my inner leg, I felt my body being turned, my teeth biting on my lip. There in those memories, the same ones that knock me off my feet (happens often)….. Mr M was sitting in front of me, I had rubbed his inner leg while we were sipping on our drinks and getting ready to go to the hotel room. I seemed so happy watching us both from afar in this memory, we are holding hands walking from the bar to the hotel….I know what is to come…my body flushes more….

Then as quick as the memories engulfed me I hear my husband “Lucy, are you okay……”. In which I reply “of course, its so hot this evening and I’m just transfixed on this painting”. He laughs making fun on how I can day-dream…..daydreams of yesterdays, the lovers that have touched me…my mind captures them like photos and then tortures me when I least expect it.

And so I email Mr M yesterday, I just have to tell him.

18/7/13 14:58 To Mr M From Lucy

I was at my friends art exhibition last night…so strange, a song came on the background and made me think of you. I actually felt myself flush as if everyone knew my guilty secret…never heard the song before…Who’s crying now.

18th July 16:31 To Lucy From Mr M

My favourite by Journey hun x

18th July 17:21 To Mr M From Lucy

Maybe you told me it was your favourite x

18th July 23:35 To Lucy From Mr M

I don’t think I did tell you it was my favourite. Another one is Fiction Factory – Feels like heaven. Reminds me of you xx

I don’t reply….my body aches….and I find myself crying.


Mr A…the end to the beginning

15 Jul

And so I see him before me, he’s taller…… broader shoulders and the deepest brown eyes I’ve ever seen.

The music would be loud in the room, we might be dancing, speaking of the day just gone…naked feeling the wind seep through the open windows. Perhaps watching the night sky, laughing more, longing, drinking red wine.

It was blissful times, going so quickly. We tried to slow it down, end it but we would end up in each other’s arms.

He was my lover, my friend to those who watched and didn’t know our secret we were soul-mates.

For 10 years we had an affair, yes for me there were many others but he was the one that stood close.

We knew some day, somewhere in the future our relationship would end. It had gotten deeper as each year passed. There was times you might have heard of us planning “if we were caught”, what would we do and how would we cope. In all the planning we didn’t for once think death would rip us apart.

He was happy to see me that evening, even the days before. Reminding me of what he wanted to do for me, with me and the anticipation made me want to quicken each day to have him with me.

Now I want to stall time, rewind and beg him not to visit me. It was my birthday and he was coming to celebrate leaving his wife and children in their family home.

The winter nights were upon us, the summer of 2009 was behind and I was to be married the following year, planning Christmas for the month ahead.

When he called he sung……….. down the phone. I smiled calling him my “favourite man” and describing what I would be wearing. I recall the blowing of kisses down the phone, my heart racing. We would have each other for two glorious nights….

The hotel was perfect for the retreat. Blissfully unaware I had approximately 30 minutes to prepare for his arrival. I showered and sprayed his favourite perfume.

In a faint moment I just knew something in my world changed, I felt anxiety that was overpowering. I phoned my husband to be first to make sure everything was okay and then Mr A….

Unbeknown to me my world had been crushed to a million pieces, there was no answer and would never be.

He was involved in a car accident. A fatal one.….part of me died that moment also.

It was several hours later that I was to know, sitting in that hotel room alone the sound of my mobile to be told by Derek, Mr A friend……. My world and all I knew disappeared. Only Derek knew of the deep affair between Mr A and I.

The pain was enormous…what happened that night I can’t really recall. I see visions of me curled in a ball, sobbing with no one to share the news with….

The next day Derek collected me and gave me the number of a therapist. He had no wise words with the exceptions of “you’re getting married next year, you need to continue”.

I spoke to Derek, every day for nearly a year after Mr A death….we ceased contact in 2010, the day before I got married. It was the only way I could deal with the guilt, the rawness of shame and the responsibility of Mr A death. I only knew for me to make a future I would have to cease all contact with Derek, the person who knew the secret.

I have never spoken with Derek since, at times he emails and attaches photos of Mr A, provides me updates of Mr A children or retell me memories that I know so well.

In therapy, I was able to speak for the first time of the secret affair I carried. I never spoke of the other lovers, in my eyes I only belonged to Mr A, my body, mind and soul.

Sometimes in therapy I laughed, I cried, I shouted and through it all I longed.

My husband to be provided me strength, he never once saw the broken heart I carried. Like the excitement of the affair, I kept my broken heart a secret.

I wish I could say I didn’t think of Mr A on my wedding day but I did. I rejoiced though, hopeful that somewhere he would see me dancing, laughing with the music too loud like he and I once did.

Does the pain get any easier? Sadly no, it is less profound but at moments, oh…those wildest moments of my life are awakened and for a slightest time I feel like I am dreaming..back in his arms where I belong, hearing his singing voice float through the air. I smile up at him and remind him “This has been perfect, it always has been”.