Guilt…is there such a thing with affairs?!

5 Jul

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I am sure my view won’t be shared by all but here goes….

My motto to life is….”it’s one big party”.

The curiosity of my mind, body, soul and spirit was to always be on the search of the next adventure partner.

My life is complete seems complete to others. I have good friends, peers and a job. A husband who loves me, cherishes me and lightens my smile with his quirky and eccentric outlook on life. 

For me, it never seemed complete without the thrill of an affair. My first and only experience of being a mistress was from the age of 16-26. During this time that relationship with Mr A continued on when I was to be engaged and eventually married. In Mr A I had the found the world, an adventure partner and I felt totally complete living the double I had. Unfortunately due to circumstances outside of my control it ended….he was driving to see me and had a fatal car crash. For the 3 years after Mr A death I was faithful to my beloved husband. 

Was I though? Part of my mind was preoccupied with grieving for Mr A and how the future would have been. I couldn’t do it alone. I attended therapy, the death of him reminded that part of me died. The part that longed for the adventure and for many years I detached from life and survived only so my partner would never know the awful secret I was hiding. 

I had so much guilt for Mr A deaths, I felt guilt for him driving to see me, blamed myself for his death, his children growing up without their father, his wife grieving for a man…I had guilt I was unable to attend the funeral, guilt for taking his life away. All the guilt that I maybe should have felt prior to his death, during our love affair….only was felt afterwards.

With guilt…comes shame. I had this overwhelming sense of shame, carrying this secret affair with Mr A on my own. If he was still alive I would have chatted to him about it but then in his I never experienced shame…only laughter, fun, emotions so wild and yet to be named by the world. I suffered depression, my darkest days…everything reminded me of him. 

Then one morning…last September. The sun was shining in my bedroom and it was for me to live my life again. It might seem simple but it took me 2 1/2 years to feel a buzz again. It was a simple buzz. I wasn’t letting go of Mr A but my world had started to grow around the grief. The grief / loss of him would always be there but I could grow as a person from this.

During my time in therapy for the grief of Mr A I realised I used sex with him, as a defence to keep people away, I would never be close to a married married, he was emotionally, physically unavailable…but then how did I marry husband. So different from the married roles Mr A and Mr M. My husband, the beautiful man with the melting chocolate eyes was a solid figure, someone who would be an anchor when the storm got to tough, the wind when I needed to move, the sunshine when I got too cold …..

I have only answer to the reason why I married, I was in an affair. I would simply not be giving myself 100% to him. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, for three years since Mr A death I was faithful…although thoughts preoccupied me else where. I set myself a challenge, one last affair to make me forget about Mr A and take this adventure journey on my own with my husband by my side…no invaders…just us. 

My second affair with Mr M was much different from what I was hoping for……we didn’t the view world as the same…we only shared one thing in common …..the view that sex was great. 

The sex was damn wonderful but was this my last fling adventure……

Maybe we got bored…I don’t know but the adventure seemed like a bad rollercoaster over the last 2 months….

 Statistics suggest they can last from anything between 6 months – 2 years. Sometimes suspicions from the married partners, sometimes the married ones not being able to continue with their double lives or the affair slowly pattering to an end.

With Mr M, the sex was afresh with new ideas, isn’t it always the case though?. The same excitement as with my husband but possibly a bit above…after all we had the secrecy that added fuel to the fire.

With an affair……..it is exciting as….

Sex with a new partner you know you “shouldn’t” be with…..

Sex exploring a new persons body…

Sex with the thrill of what its like, you can simply walk away

Is sex as simple as that in an affair? The guilt is there somewhere, sometimes buried or detached. The initial reward of the sex soon diminishes when you see your husband/wife…..their smile, their worry for you returning home late, their embrace….the guilt may diminish when you argue with your husband/wife but it has to be there somewhere.

What is guilt?

The punishment of oneself prior to someone else doing it…a rumination of thoughts, criticism you give to yourself. I think guilt is most times connected to shame also.

Statistics say men can detach sex from love and feel less guilt than women, I believe they can but woman can do it also.

I didn’t love Mr M, there was no emotions but yet I had the most amazing sex. Both separate from each other, beautifully filed into separate parts of my brain…easing me of the guilt. I’m making excuses for myself…”I’m doing no harm as nobody will find out”. A form of guilt pleasing. 

Then I love my husband…the sex is great, its been over 10 years now, the spark weakens a little but the spark is still there.

As for Mr M, according to him and possibly many other men, the sex life / communication wasn’t there. Maybe if he read this he could comment and correct me if I am wrong. I recall a conversation when he said ” I could phone her (wife) and tell her I had sex with a ….female and she probably wouldn’t listen and continue with what she was doing”.

He is also 15 years older than me and said once “it can be sad, sometimes you have nothing in common with your partner after so many years of marriage”…..I don’t know if he was talking about himself or someone else.

Mr M had children, I am sure beautiful. His wife adored him on all accounts, who am I to judge. The basic form of communication or emotional connection seemed missing. I did wonder many times if she rejected him in his advances of sex…Should I care? No…but my curious mind wonders.

Can one ever be faithful after an affair?

I think they can. If they really love their respective partner………

Do I love mine? (husband)…..I feel no guilt and only had 3 years of being faithful. If I done it once surely I can do it again.

To the addictions of affairs….I am sorry to all those who have been on the receiving end of an affair

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3 Responses to “Guilt…is there such a thing with affairs?!”

  1. mckarlie July 5, 2013 at 10:21 am #

    One can be faithful after an affair from my experience, but a person who seeks affairs and hides it from their partner is usually experiencing a dissociative mental state in which they aren’t considering true consequence of their actions, they are merely seeking thrills, which is usually rooted in either Borderline Personality Disorder, Post traumatic stress disorder or bipolar disorder. You need to put your husband’s needs on par with your own and consider if it’s worth staying married to him if it’s truly the thrill of new relationships you seek, or if perhaps you’re just using the thrill of the affair to hide from something inside you and you do truly want your husband, you just don’t know how to deal with what’s underneath. All the best in working it out.

    • mistress4u July 5, 2013 at 10:25 am #

      Hello McKarlie. Thank you for your comment. I have taken note of what you have said and you provided much “food for thought” to consider for reflection. At times I have wondered if I am on some thrill seeking behaviour, possibly a narcissistic quality hiding there somewhere. In truth it is more to do with hiding from the internal part of me….x

      • mckarlie July 5, 2013 at 10:29 am #

        Then it’s entirely possible you have one of the issues I mentioned, trauma in our formative years can culminate this behaviour later on, it almost feels like a movie you’re living, you’re not ACTUALLY hurting your husband, you’re just getting your rocks off. I have seen how badly it can end with my own two eyes, you hit rock bottom and possibly lose everything that you never realized meant everything to you. Good luck with your reflection, I hope you find some clarity on the matter. I’m not a prude but in my experience, nothing good comes from affairs unless both members of the marriage are open to outside sexual encounters. I hope it doesn’t all go tits up like it did for me

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