Confused…Lonely…Lost

10 Jul

I travelled to London early yesterday morning. Feeling a confused state, so much easier to go to bed at 5 am than to get up at that time. I recall many nights during my time with Mr M, our affair would have gave me the buzz to greet this early morning rise. When we had our nights I would leave the hotel prior to dawn, ensuring to be home at time before my husband would finish his shift.

Instead here I was, waiting for a train to go to a conference. No good morning email from him to provide my morning smile, no wake call hearing his smooth voice….the only thing that was to greet me yesterday morning was a sense of loneliness and lost. The morning air was warm, wearing a simple sophisticated dress I felt confused to the woman I had become. This time last year I would have simply not dreamt of ever having an affair again, while now, 12 months on, I’m longing to email him.

Sitting on the train, I looked like any other business person however I wondered how many of these businessmen had joined illicit encounters and had a secret like me. I recall when first joining the site the sense of sadness that so many people had something missing in their life…maybe communication with their wife/husband…emotions not being met…lack of sex…all of these or just simple connection. I also spent the first month watching people on the supermarket or walking down the street, wondering if they were the “one”, who shared a secret like me and was using illicit encounters.

And then a stranger sat beside me, like any other time that I’ve been close to a man I looked at his left hand and there with my admiring glance I noted he could be like me..

I was reading, feeling lonely in this train full of people…I now know I’m missing Mr M, more than I ever cared to imagine. The stranger who I will Mr Z introduced himself and in a strange fate he too was heading to the conference and staying at the same hotel. I felt lost within the conversation wondering what Mr M was doing, somewhere in this world he was wakening to the day. Was he showering, did he have sex all night like we did, has he met another lover, was he thinking of me, did he wonder what I was doing…

I also felt frustrated that this Mr Z knew people in my circle, mostly colleagues I previously worked with, continuously he talked while I wanted to take time out on this sweet summer morning, admire the views/read and think of Mr M. To process everything.

London was busy and warm. The conference was what I expected, exciting as always. Providing me loads of ideas that I could apply to the work I do. Mr Z and I shared lunch, This happens a lot at conferences, you either all click as a group or 1/2 click and separate and spend time alone.

Mr Z told me about his work, his family and wife. I listened intently, noting he was attractive and wondering what his wife would think of us having lunch. My phone bleeped, my husband was me and sending his love. The guilt and shame of it all hit me, I flushed with my longing for Mr M.

The conference ended yesterday with Mr Z and I planning to meet up for dinner. I usually spend my evenings with friends whilst in London however this time I wanted to be on my own….and now, it seemed I wanted to be with a stranger. Mr Z and I had dinner at what I call a “secret garden”, sitting outside in the sun and drinking wine felt like being at home. I always feel like this in the big city of London, home to me is being “lost” no one knowing you, those around you caring who or what you are. Being lost provides me the true sense of freedom, here I was with a stranger and experiencing all of that. Reminding me more of Mr M, Mr M provided a freedom that was exhilarating and kept me on a constant high.

Mr Z and I went dancing, the night was still young. I wondered if such conferences allowed him the true sense of freedom also but I daren’t ask. We had fun…and I recall us walking hand in hand back to the hotel. It was more of a friendship, a silent thank you for the night we had. We parted awkwardly, for me anyway as I didn’t want anything else from him..when the lift doors closed I felt a sense of relief he didn’t offer a drink in his room. Mr Z seemed like the perfect gentleman.

Today, like tomorrow I am still in London. We have already ate but Mr Z has invited me to go dancing again. Here I am in a hotel room typing as quickly as I can to process everything and reflect…..

am I doing the right thing to go dancing with this Mr Z, could he be the cure I need to get over Mr M?

Mr Z told me a sad scenario over dinner about his childhood, a game I guess for me to enter with the sweet empathy, I touched his leg which sent a shiver down my spine. Not because of him but memories of when I did the same to Mr M came alive. Mr M would give me a look and say oh don’t do that, signalling I was turning him on, we would leave quickly from where ever we would be to be alone. Did I want Mr Z turned on?

Am I only going dancing due to knowing he is married?

Is he taking me dancing as somewhere unknown to me I give a signal to married men that I am wanting an affair? I don’t think this is the case as everyone and I mean everyone sees me as a sweet innocent female although independent loves and cherishes her husband.

And with my dress on, my hair done…waxing and nails to perfection ..just like the way I would be when meeting Mr M…this time without the anticipation of the sex I will be meeting Mr Z in the lobby….

My night begins….I feel lost without Mr M 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: