Notes to self…….

11 Jul

Mr M, you made me welcome 2013 with a bang by accepting my invitation of joining me on an adventure. On new years eve I sent you a message requesting your attendance to an “adventure for two” for the year ahead. You accepted! It is now summer and I have ended this crazy wonderful affair, hoping to live a life with purity and honesty, of that my husband deserves.

In these wild moments of life, I find I’m drawn to our affair however these notes are to serve a purpose, remind me it was the correct decision to end it. Oh how I wished I believed these notes.

Note 1.

The anxiety of my phone and laptops. Glittery technology is one of the best things to happen, enabling you and I to connect in the first place, without them it is highly probable we would never have met. However they have caused ,me great anxiety. I had to ensure only I had a password to my phone/laptop, too afraid our secret would have been found. Each night, like putting cream on my face I would ensure my emails, call logs and any other such information would be deleted.

Note 2.

Similar to the above, my beloved car. I had to constantly ensure I removed all traces of you. Not that you my married lover ever sat in my car but my dear husband does. Ensuring to clear the Sat Nav of the locations we met / hotels was a constant battle. Ensuring if I was travelling with my husband my Bluetooth of my phone was off incase Mr Husband would check the call logs on the dashboard or worse you would phone.

Note 3.

Sometimes, regrettably I didn’t feel in the mood to talk to you. You expected someone always laughing but I too, like your wife have “bad” days. I don’t think you wanted this from your lover and I guess I started to feel I was “acting” for you. This should never have been the case.

Note 4.

What started as a thrill..your name zapping on my screen with an email nearly tore me apart at the end. You made me wait 48hrs once, suddenly disappearing without a warning and reappearing with an apology. You had company and couldn’t email. The lies started from there, to cope I started leaving it longer to email you. Constantly longing for your emails or the sound of your voice was not pleasant. I will not miss this.

Note 5.

The planning of the telephone calls pushed my patience…I’m the most impatient person in the world. The planning of meeting, seemed like a chore in the end. But yet we tried and weeks went by at times with us failing to meet up, due to life events for both of us. If I wish to engage in an affair again I will ensure to have worked on my patience, life events, family, partners come in the way.

Note 6.

I wonder if you or any other men know the fine details us females have to make to meet you. I may have only been your lover but each time we met I ensured my hair, waxing, nails were perfect for you. I have no doubt you would have accepted me as who I was. Juggling these additional appointments made me tired. It is enough to do it only for my husband

Note 7.

Sex was expected everytime we met, on my part as well. I won’t miss covering the marks on my body or being unable to have sex with my husband during this time, too scared he would know I was with another.

Note 8.

The lies, deceit and constant covering of my tracks. I felt a sense of shame (still do) of all the things I lied about to ensure my tracks were covered. Where I was, who I was with…even down to using cash instead of credit card, throwing away the receipts so they wouldn’t be found, no itemised phone bills….the list continues

Note 9.

The feeling of being your “free whore/prostitute”. With all due respect to this paid world, it left me questioning myself after the sexual encounters. There I was, on reflection providing a “free service”. Although I must admit you provided this service to me.

Note 10.

I started to feel depleted by you, questioning what I was getting from this special friendship. In the last call, over two weeks now, you didn’t even ask how I was but straight away spoke of your work. Damn, this angers me. To then continue and say you were in good health and all was well. Unknown to you I had news of treatment I had to receive (non-sexual thank gosh)…did you really care?

Note 11.

I was there to keep your marriage alive. The sex was missing at your end, unlike mine…I didn’t sign up for this sex role. I wanted fun, a spark with a bit of sex but it became a routine for us…meeting for dinner and ending in the hotel room. It would have been nicer to have been able to do other things, we lived miles from each other and the locations we met at were miles from each others homes/respective lives..the habit was not on my list as a priority or indeed that of an affair…..

There is my sweet notes of reminder….I can write at least 20 reasons why I would still want this affair to continue…but for now..I have to remind myself it is over.

 

 

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5 Responses to “Notes to self…….”

  1. Jen July 13, 2013 at 1:21 am #

    This is a great list. Like you, I am married and having an affair with a married man. Mine started in September 2012 and is still continuing, though I feel its drawing to a close. So many points on your list are so true for me as well. The stress of all the extra appointments, making sure I look fantastic on the day of our meeting. Meetings only for sex and little else….the feeling that I can’t show him my “bad day” side…always wanting to be perky and happy and perfect because I don’t want to be the same as what he gets at home. The visits are getting harder to arrange and now its starting to feel like “work”….and I question why I am working so hard for someone who has not earned it whereas my husband has earned so much more than this unfaithful wife he has. I’m left wondering why did it all turn so wrong..??? Just wanted to say thanks for writing and know that you are not alone.

    • mistress4u July 13, 2013 at 7:34 am #

      Jen, it is lovely to read your comment. I feel so alone with it all. Although they are not of part of life, for me anyway as he did not live in the same city as I….I miss him. My only advice if there is to be any is to listen to the gut instinct. I had the same feeling and started to withdraw, it was I who ended it. On reflection I possibly needed a back up plan e.g. Started a new hobby or even find a new lover. I’m still considering the latter however bad that sounds. I remember a wise man once telling me that yes a leopard can change his spots and he had been an attentive lover over the last 30 years but at times the “addiction” to the thrill was too much. He was not my lover I should point out. I think all affairs have a “shelf life” some longer than others. I found my energy depleted and this should never be the case. I guess how one relates in a marriage must show itself in the dynamic of the affair?! A pre warning, it may not happen to you but I felt severe anxiety and low mood for several weeks when I ended it, it was my body and brain craving this illicit drug (affair). In regards to now, each relationship is a journey some highs, some lows you might be the lucky one and for now its a temporary low. As for your husband….no comment, I questioned myself and still do. Good luck Jen, please stay in touch. Could I tempt you to write about your experience? It would be nice to have another. Let me know if you do. For now, good morning from sunny England xxx

      • Jen July 17, 2013 at 12:15 am #

        Thank you for your reply. Its funny you should ask if I consider writing about my affair. I have been writing letters to myself about it and saving them in an email folder. At this point, they are more for me, to help me recall how I am feeling about things at a certain time. I’m not sure when/if I’d be ready to make it public on the internet. He and I also live in different cities….we are only separated by an hours drive and meet monthly in a city between. My “Mr. M” is an ex-lover of mine from 10 years ago. We reconnected a few years ago but only started the affair last September. Unfortunately as of yesterday afternoon there has been a new plot twist in that I sent a rather racey text to him and it was intercepted by his wife. Needless to say we have been frantically working on a cover story, but his world has turned upside down right now. Not sure what the outcome will be but he assured me last evening that regardless of his outcome with his wife, he wants to continue with me. Some small comfort in that.

      • mistress4u July 17, 2013 at 5:31 pm #

        Hello Jen, It is amazing how past lovers or relationships can touch us even years afterwards and rekindle an affair like this. Sometimes I think it is nice when it is outside of the city that you live in and meeting elsewhere. This can be beneficial on all parts! I’m sorry to hear the latest news but his is reassurance is a benefit at this time. There is nothing worse that one to be caught, watching from the side lines must be difficult. It has never happened to me..I hope everything keeps going well for you and the next encounter is near although possibly delayed. Please do keep in touch!

  2. beautifulmess7 August 8, 2013 at 11:58 pm #

    This gives me a little insight. I’ve been in just about every side if this affair thing except yours. I’ve never cheated on a partner, and certainly not long term. However, I am an OW. I have so many emotions and thoughts as a single woman sleeping with a married man, some of them very similar to yours like 3, 4, 6, 7, 9, 10 & 11 (okay, more than some!). But other things I don’t have to worry about.

    I will admit, being single, that I have very little patience with all of the fuss around protecting your marriage. If he’s so great, be with him. If he’s not, move on already. If you want multiple partners, find someone who supports an open marriage or swinging. I just don’t get that mentality. I don’t have the energy to put into more than one person… guess I’m a one person woman at the end of the day and just can’t picture being any other way.

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