Am I a sex addict?

13 Jul

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I have reflected on “me”, the person I have become. Leaving to one side my husband, Mr M, being married and this affair….I am left with one question – Am I a sex addict?

I think about sex on an average……. every day…how many times?…Too many to remember.

I’m always thinking of the next “fix”. With Mr M we spoke about sex, it was the nature of the affair, I looked forward to the times with him and in between I had my husband to satisfy me. And now…I masturbate.

I started questioning this morning is my desire for affairs combine with the sex helping me to mask my feelings. The feelings I can’t deal with or a form of escapism – both perhaps. The intolerable emotions ride to the surface, the sadness perhaps (I have yet to know what emotions they are) and then “sex” is the cure…relieving all the painful emotions and the emotions are pushed further. Possibly painful emotions about myself…I have yet to know because I simply don’t take time to “feel” because sex is the first thing I possibly turn to. Only these emotions will never be dealt with and will only come to the surface again. Like a vicious circle.

I know myself I don’t meet the criteria for bipolar. Is it a compulsion…to merely engage in these sexual activities so it releases tension, why can’t I do this with my husband alone? The answer possibly – I avoid intimacy by engaging in these affairs, there is no love. Its like I want to see myself in these men’s eyes…they adore me, my body, the way I speak, write but deep down there is a detachment from it all. Am I narcissistic………..

Then the fact I like pain, being submissive…someone wanting to dominant me. This allows me to let go of the seriousness of everything and once again feel true freedom

Am I merely looking for an excuse to reason the guilt and shame that I can’t be faithful?

 

And already, without dealing with the pain of the affair being over with Mr M I am looking again. I have had two offers from the illicit encounters website. One to meet this Thursday after work with someone who is 20 years older than me and the other person 17 years my senior. Both extremely attractive, although looking younger than their stated years. I must point I have no issues / concerns with my father, there is no difficulty in that relationship. Already I feel excited about the encounters not that I have agreed to any but the buzz is there, the anticipation. I can’t meet any this / next week.

My reasoning…I’m busy at work and the following week I am having an operation but yet I am in the midst of planning – hair colour – checked; nails and waxing – checked. Obviously I won’t meet both of them but Mr A (20years older) is the highest on my agenda to meet.

So am I a sex addict? My reflection continues

 

 

 

 

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5 Responses to “Am I a sex addict?”

  1. badlittlegoodgirl July 13, 2013 at 11:02 pm #

    This is a great question, and one I have asked myself many times. . .

    • persistantlyhopeful512 July 14, 2013 at 5:30 pm #

      I also ask myself this question. I do have BPD, and sometimes….more honestly: most times I have sex, I am acting out my emotions. Sex has become my filter for my emotions. I am less “crazy” when I act through sex rather than through arguments or fighting and such. Don’t get me wrong, I have thoroughly enjoyed, and continue to enjoy all of the sex I have had, as well as my partners…but am I an addict? Who knows, but all we can do is the best that we can, live life to the fullest, and be our own judge of character. In my opinion, screw what society says (specifically about women and the double standards). I don’t know about you, but I’m certainly not going stop or change it (at least not right now). 🙂

      • mistress4u July 14, 2013 at 8:20 pm #

        Persistantlyhopeful….I’m on the journey to hopefully like you understand these emotions, to at least try to determine what they are. I really like your wisdom and thoughtful words, yes you are right…who knows if we. I must admit, similar to you I have always had the motto to live each day like the fullest, to experience every sensation, thought, emotion and thrill. What is expected from us “females” is where there is shame and guilt from my actions, especially being married. I always tell myself it will only be a temporary thing – these affairs, when I have children I will stop. This is only comforting words that I live in hope will happen. For now, like you…I’m certainly living by the former motto. Thank you for your comment. xx

    • mistress4u July 14, 2013 at 8:14 pm #

      I have only started asking myself that question….and wow…. I am really enjoying your blog!! XX

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  1. ADDICTION. It really is a growth industry | NZ Fiendishly Fiends Fabricated Withdrawal Fables - September 10, 2013

    […] have everything from “weightlifting addiction” through to “sexaholics“. If those don’t float your boat, try gambling, food, tanning, games, or even buying […]

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