Affairs…of the body

14 Jul

Affairs...of the body

Up until yesterday I thought I…me…Lucy…enjoyed a varied sexual life, the kinky side of it all…

To have read about sexual addiction and to reflect on it all has left me feeling quite shocked, even after my recent post.

All the signs have been there, possibly since I was 17. The number of partners I have had, the unfaithfulness in every relationship, the glorious joy of sex, the lack of intimacy,….and the kick the power it can provide me.

I see myself as the feminine women with the “alpha mind”, always taking pride in this…my guilty secret. I hid it from many, how my mind wonders when I see a man looking at me on the train / the pure pleasure to knowing I am driving to a hotel to meet someone for sex.

This all has now left me confused though. I wanted more from the affair with Mr M, not merely to be a sex object. If he treated me like anything else the relationship would have ended…it would have been too much for me.

I have lost count of the numerous partners but remember to losing my virginity with great fondness, on a beach…in the midst of summer and there I got the first glimpse of how I could feel, lost in the moment with another.

Through the years I had many opportunities, some good, some not so good. With every “serious” relationship, even my marriage I sway always tempted by the newness…like a new product on display and I just have to have one taste, get hooked and randomly move on to another.

I remember the time at 19, my friends and I went away for the weekend. That week-end I was offered twice to have 3 somes..the others were both men. The first male I met that week-end was the moment I booked into the hotel, inviting us for a drink. Later that night he offered a 3 some with his friend. I declined but yet curious to know what it would be like to have two men provide me their attention. The next night I had random sex again…in a room the man had been sharing with his friend and before I know it I feel his friends hand rub over my back. I said no to the friend touching me but yet while I was having sex I wanked him off. In that night I got the first thrill of spice…

Then the females…it wasn’t long before my bi curious side was triggered. Men were one thing but what would it be like to have a females soft hands rub over me and to feel her breasts. I experienced it all by having relationships females. Two of which taught me so much on how to enjoy the female form. Thanks to them I still fantasise, even when having sex with a man on how it would be so enjoyable to have a female there.

Then the affairs..I remember being with Mr G, not my husband and while he was asleep drunk on a sofa I went to the next room with Mr J..a work colleague who I had been having an affair with…there I had sex with Mr J while Mr G slept not aware of it all.

Then to my poor husband…Mr C and Mr S, that was prior to us getting married. I still had sex text and telephone calls from Mr G, my previous partner.

And with all the above partners…I had always been with Mr A…the man who opened the doors to this wicked world….we had an affair that lasted 10 years.

And for three years I mourned Mr A death, there was no sex with another apart from my husband until last December. That was were the glorious Mr M came onto the scene, now that I have ended that affair…it was now time to move onto another..who I have confirmed that I will meet next week.

This spiral has now begun and I have no way of knowing how or when it will stop.


7 Responses to “Affairs…of the body”

  1. badlittlegoodgirl July 14, 2013 at 9:51 pm #

    It seems like you are feeling conflicted about the nature of your sexuality and the way you handle it. Is it guilt about cheating that is eating at you? Do you feel unable to control your sexual urges?

    • mistress4u August 2, 2013 at 7:25 pm #

      I have never tried to control them if I am honest. I am conflicted with the shame and guilt of it all. The sexuality side, wow…I can’t even begin to open that but I think you may be right. Thank you x

  2. Recovering WS August 1, 2013 at 1:21 pm #

    I like the raw honesty you show in your posts.

    • mistress4u August 2, 2013 at 7:24 pm #

      affairadvice, thank you for your kind comment. I think I am “raw”. I have also enjoyed your site, insightful to say the least xx

  3. married for married August 2, 2013 at 3:20 am #

    Hi there may I use some of the information here in this post if I provide a link back to your site?

  4. kat August 8, 2013 at 4:56 am #

    i have dealt with these same things regarding sexuality. for a very long time, i thought it was a mark of my strength, independence, freedom, etc. and i reveled in it, never missing any opportunity, seeking them out even.

    but i am older now, i have settled down to more ‘normal’ encounters, and even find that i am now quite a bit of prude. i explored this is my therapy recently and for me, it seems that abuses that i suffered as a child led me to see sex in this way, as power and strength. but that now, as i have been working on the traumas and abuses, i no longer find that i have the irresistible need, drive, to take all possible opportunities. i find that me, just on my own, possess the power and strength i was searching for for so so long.

    of course, i still have a ways to go working on healthy sexual expressions, without giving myself away to another (and convincing myself that i was really becoming strong and dominant), and also still have a ways to go on my traumas and issues from childhood, but i think (for me, and maybe others) being driven by that need to be wanted, to be kinky, to do anything one asks of me, is not helping one gain strength, independence, or anything. it is more like giving what strength you have away to the other(s) involved instead, always leaving that gaping empty hole even emptier after each encounter. instead we need to realize we already possess that power and can choose our rendez-vous, rather than being driven.

    sorry if this is sounding trite, but this issue is one i have dealt with for many years, but i am not meaning to imply that your situation is the same as mine. this is just my take on it from my own experience.

    • mistress4u August 8, 2013 at 9:06 pm #

      Dearest Kat,
      I follow your blog as your caption struck, “searching”.
      Your words are a delight and it did not sound trite.
      The gaping hole, a bit like a scar does seem to get deeper with each encounter, the power disappears and the hole needs filled (that sounds dirty, not meant to me) and the only way to cure the bloody itch to have yet another.
      I am back in therapy again, a beautiful lady who like who has provided such an amazing experience, listening, accepting and challenging these inner aspects of me but within a non judgemental place.
      I have not been on the receiving end of sexual trauma however my childhood is not that for the faint hearted. After your reading your comment it made realise some aspect of me is soul searching…hoping that someday, somewhere I find that missing piece of me. And I guess I have it all here, me!
      I will continue to read your blog as it is inspiring to say the least.
      Thank you for dropping by and taking time out to share your experience. I am sure our paths although unique are similar.
      Lucy x

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