Mr A…the end to the beginning

15 Jul

And so I see him before me, he’s taller…… broader shoulders and the deepest brown eyes I’ve ever seen.

The music would be loud in the room, we might be dancing, speaking of the day just gone…naked feeling the wind seep through the open windows. Perhaps watching the night sky, laughing more, longing, drinking red wine.

It was blissful times, going so quickly. We tried to slow it down, end it but we would end up in each other’s arms.

He was my lover, my friend to those who watched and didn’t know our secret we were soul-mates.

For 10 years we had an affair, yes for me there were many others but he was the one that stood close.

We knew some day, somewhere in the future our relationship would end. It had gotten deeper as each year passed. There was times you might have heard of us planning “if we were caught”, what would we do and how would we cope. In all the planning we didn’t for once think death would rip us apart.

He was happy to see me that evening, even the days before. Reminding me of what he wanted to do for me, with me and the anticipation made me want to quicken each day to have him with me.

Now I want to stall time, rewind and beg him not to visit me. It was my birthday and he was coming to celebrate leaving his wife and children in their family home.

The winter nights were upon us, the summer of 2009 was behind and I was to be married the following year, planning Christmas for the month ahead.

When he called he sung……….. down the phone. I smiled calling him my “favourite man” and describing what I would be wearing. I recall the blowing of kisses down the phone, my heart racing. We would have each other for two glorious nights….

The hotel was perfect for the retreat. Blissfully unaware I had approximately 30 minutes to prepare for his arrival. I showered and sprayed his favourite perfume.

In a faint moment I just knew something in my world changed, I felt anxiety that was overpowering. I phoned my husband to be first to make sure everything was okay and then Mr A….

Unbeknown to me my world had been crushed to a million pieces, there was no answer and would never be.

He was involved in a car accident. A fatal one.….part of me died that moment also.

It was several hours later that I was to know, sitting in that hotel room alone the sound of my mobile to be told by Derek, Mr A friend……. My world and all I knew disappeared. Only Derek knew of the deep affair between Mr A and I.

The pain was enormous…what happened that night I can’t really recall. I see visions of me curled in a ball, sobbing with no one to share the news with….

The next day Derek collected me and gave me the number of a therapist. He had no wise words with the exceptions of “you’re getting married next year, you need to continue”.

I spoke to Derek, every day for nearly a year after Mr A death….we ceased contact in 2010, the day before I got married. It was the only way I could deal with the guilt, the rawness of shame and the responsibility of Mr A death. I only knew for me to make a future I would have to cease all contact with Derek, the person who knew the secret.

I have never spoken with Derek since, at times he emails and attaches photos of Mr A, provides me updates of Mr A children or retell me memories that I know so well.

In therapy, I was able to speak for the first time of the secret affair I carried. I never spoke of the other lovers, in my eyes I only belonged to Mr A, my body, mind and soul.

Sometimes in therapy I laughed, I cried, I shouted and through it all I longed.

My husband to be provided me strength, he never once saw the broken heart I carried. Like the excitement of the affair, I kept my broken heart a secret.

I wish I could say I didn’t think of Mr A on my wedding day but I did. I rejoiced though, hopeful that somewhere he would see me dancing, laughing with the music too loud like he and I once did.

Does the pain get any easier? Sadly no, it is less profound but at moments, oh…those wildest moments of my life are awakened and for a slightest time I feel like I am dreaming..back in his arms where I belong, hearing his singing voice float through the air. I smile up at him and remind him “This has been perfect, it always has been”.


2 Responses to “Mr A…the end to the beginning”

  1. Jen July 17, 2013 at 12:16 am #

    That just broke my heart 😦

    • mistress4u July 17, 2013 at 5:32 pm #

      I think my heart is still in pieces at times. The day after I wrote that post I ended up sobbing in my office…I guess the memories are there and when awakened causes all things. He was a beautiful and kind soul

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