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To the lovers I forgot…….

15 Jul

To the lovers I forgot.......

Last night as I curled in bed with my husband’s arms around me, I reflected on the question “Am I sex addict?”

I couldn’t sleep. I wish I could simply blame the glorious heat-wave that has hit our shores here in England….but no my mind recalled the lovers I forgot.

From writing my previous entry, memories of the summer of 2009 came to mind. There in those memories past lovers came to light that I had forgotten about, more evidence to answer yes to the curiosity of my question.

Recalling the picture of me in 2009, I look the same, the innocent one carrying this guilty secret..I’m somewhat younger, less lines around my eyes but everything else is pretty much the same. I look more in control than what I am now though, I seem to be smiling more and less confused. I’m not questioning my behaviour, oblivious to the possibility of being a sex addict. Oh how I would like to go back and experience the summer of 2009.

I was posted to a new city, dating my husband to be – we were in the midst of planning to be married the following year. I saw my husband to be and Mr A on alternative weekends. Then the lovers I have forgotten spring to mind…mostly mid week encounters.

Mr Famous
Mr V
Mr Executive
Mr Younger

I had forgotten them all when typing my previous post.

Here in the new city, the air dampening my lungs I engaged in four affairs. Too important to forget as they like all my lovers created this female that I am. Bringing me new experience and keeping the burning desire of sex alight.

Mr Famous and I met on the aeroplane, his arrogance was insightful. He too was based in the city and I see us laughing during the journey, to then swapping numbers. Our first meeting was at a restaurant, we didn’t sleep together until the second meeting. The first meeting was to tantalise my taste buds on what yet he had to offer. I admired the restaurant and stupidly brought my husband to be there during one of his week-end stays, the waitress recognised me straight away, winked and the paranoia I felt during that meal made me never go back. I’ve since revisited the city to walk past it and see it has closed. Mr Famous had a remarkable body and introduced me to accepting my body as it was. I recall sitting on him during sex, about to orgasm and him saying “This is the most beautiful I have ever seen you, your giving all of you to me”. I never denied one bit of myself to my lovers, only to never love them back. I orgasmed three times that night. We would have sex with the curtains opened, we both knew others could see us and I guess we performed for the eager strangers outside. Maybe we were wishful thinking but yet in those moments with him I felt I belonged. I think he finally found home too and would twist my hair gently around his fingers to fall asleep. Mr Famous was constantly hard and I wonder now, if like me he was addicted to the sex or merely taking Viagra. I don’t know where in the world he is and I daren’t google his name. It ended abruptly when he told me “I think I’m falling for you”. I had my husband and Mr A, I didn’t need another’s love.

Mr V….fell in love with me. Unbeknown to me he was a 35 year old virgin. This saddens me as if I was to know this prior to our encounter I would not have engaged in any sexual intercourse with him. It was too late by the time I fully realised…caught in the act itself. Mr V was broken hearted, he was a romantic and longing for more than I could provide. I recall him cooking for me, his fairytale stores and I smile as he like I was interested in horoscopes. We stopped speaking until we met again in November 2012 for one night, I was visiting the city he worked at and we organised to go out for a meal. I previously thought Mr M had awakened my desire but it was actually Mr V. My brain seems to have a remarkable way of discounting memories, storing them up when I don’t need them and returning forcefully to knock, even me off my feet=. Mr V was much more experienced during our encounter in November 2012. We didn’t have sex but yet I recall the lust and the expertise of his hands. I was possibly not ready / unaware of the sexual urges to follow; they were waiting patiently for Mr M and now whoever is to walk in my path. If out of all my lovers I wish I could have maintained friendship with Mr V. There was somewhat a connection, I fantasise a budding friendship but the barriers were set up when he realised I couldn’t love him.

Mr Executive was a one night stand. He was married and spoke with a strange Australian accent, he only lived in Australia for one month. He Was staying in the city while his family was further north at their family home. Unsurprisingly I ended up at his after meeting him in a bar after work, recall him wanting to have sex without a condom and I being adamant it was the only way. Obviously he wore the condom. Once he was near orgasm I asked him to wank over me…”Are you sure”…of course I was bloody sure, I wanted his “cum” over my face. He was thrilled to watch me beg for it on all fours. We had sex the next morning to then finally lick…I experienced multiple sensations that morning while he held me forcefully on the bed. He hounded me for weeks later for another date. I refused…there was someone else already there to take his place.

Mr Younger….he was a student…20. Wanted a taste of the older women I think. We dated for three weeks..meeting each week day evening. He had this innocent desire to fulfil my every need. I am usually the submissive one but with him I was dominant. I recall his shudders, his yelps and begging for more. Unfortunately he did not satisfy my true yearning and it was time for to move back.

I wonder if like me, these men have forgot about me…or do I sometimes pop into their head? I doubt very much they do recall me, I was a passing stranger that stayed only long enough to have sex. I wish there could be a magical spell, to see what each of previous lovers are doing….or possibly let me see the lovers of my future……..Here I am 4 years after that summer, I have lost Mr A….maybe one day I will write about him…but the 10 years I spent with him, gave myself to him….. will always be celebrated with a smile.

As to the answer….”Am I a sex addict?”…there is mainly evidence pointing that I am. Whatever the answer is to be…I’m still here, with the past playing in the present tense, marking my future….does it matter, for now……..

………Cheers to my lovers and the wonderful memories they have provided.

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One Response to “To the lovers I forgot…….”

  1. katmphotography July 15, 2013 at 4:10 pm #

    i really enjoyed reading this piece – it’s very open and frank, which i like. it made me think some questions maybe aren’t meant to be answered…

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