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My body aches…….

19 Jul

in all places.

There are no words to describe the place my mind, body, spirit and soul is in. I am lost at sea, the waves have been too rough this week and I can’t find my anchor.

Writing about Mr A on Monday night left me with the devastating replay of longing for him. Replaying in my mind what it felt like to have his kiss…starting with slow pecks on my forehead, around my face…my neck to finally my lips. It was his routine as his fingers tickled my bare stomach. The smell of his body lingering on me even after he had left and prolonging to shower so I could stay in the aftermath of him. This longing hurts…to hold him, run my hands through his hair to then massage his neck. I would want to touch all of him and tell him how much I have missed him…to have my tears kissed away and to fall asleep in his arms.

It is no surprise to me that memories of Mr A has been awakened. During the recent affair with Mr M…I always felt “bad”, not only for my husband (shame, guilt – you name it) but the fact Mr M was my first lover since Mr A died. I had many lovers when Mr A was alive but it changed so much when I knew I could no longer be with him….someone else’s touch hurts, it reminds me too much of Mr A

Wednesday evening
I went to a friends art exhibition. My friend who has a wonderful imagination and was able to hold the exhibition on a roof top with only 3 days of planning – mainly due to the glorious weather. The scenes of the city were very romantic, a piece of art itself.

I was lost in the night, enjoying the wine…company of our friends and feeling my husbands arm round my back…maybe I have my anchor but as soon as I felt the containment of my emotions a song came through the night air (song – who’s crying now)….. my body, mind, soul, spirit was……

transported by memories to approx. 3 months ago….I was no longer at the art exhibition…I was with Mr M. I felt a tightening in my chest, flush rise from my feet, to my inner leg, I felt my body being turned, my teeth biting on my lip. There in those memories, the same ones that knock me off my feet (happens often)….. Mr M was sitting in front of me, I had rubbed his inner leg while we were sipping on our drinks and getting ready to go to the hotel room. I seemed so happy watching us both from afar in this memory, we are holding hands walking from the bar to the hotel….I know what is to come…my body flushes more….

Then as quick as the memories engulfed me I hear my husband “Lucy, are you okay……”. In which I reply “of course, its so hot this evening and I’m just transfixed on this painting”. He laughs making fun on how I can day-dream…..daydreams of yesterdays, the lovers that have touched me…my mind captures them like photos and then tortures me when I least expect it.

And so I email Mr M yesterday, I just have to tell him.

18/7/13 14:58 To Mr M From Lucy

I was at my friends art exhibition last night…so strange, a song came on the background and made me think of you. I actually felt myself flush as if everyone knew my guilty secret…never heard the song before…Who’s crying now.

18th July 16:31 To Lucy From Mr M

My favourite by Journey hun x

18th July 17:21 To Mr M From Lucy

Maybe you told me it was your favourite x

18th July 23:35 To Lucy From Mr M

I don’t think I did tell you it was my favourite. Another one is Fiction Factory – Feels like heaven. Reminds me of you xx

I don’t reply….my body aches….and I find myself crying.

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