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At war with myself………

6 Aug

The week-end is far behind.

I met Simon for the third time on Sunday. I’m always late and on Sunday it was not different.

We met in a town we both hadn’t visited. He was going to take me on the back of his motorbike. I was to wear black jeans, heels and black t-shirt.

I was excited to see him but yet fearful of going on the back of the motorbike. It has been 10 years since I done so.

My Sunday was perfect. Yes I was scared (at first)…

“What if I fall off and someone has to phone my husband”?
“What if I get injured what do I tell my husband?”
“What if I die, my poor husband will know the terrible secrets I kept”.

All of these worries are with me all the time. I need not go on a motorbike to have them.

We stopped for lunch overlooking a river, both turned on by being in the close proximity of each other. I wanted him there and then, I could feel his hard cock under his leathers. Even for him to rub his hand over my legs while both on the motorbike seems to have engraved itself in my memories.

Wanting someone so much but yet not the place to do anything about it. Building the tension and frustration for what one can only expect to be pleasure at the end.

We parted in the most hottest of moments. A stranger no doubt would have thought those two people were as one, our bodies entangled in that car park and I couldn’t help but rub myself against him. The blissful moment of being so close to someone but yet having to way. Simon wanted me to orgasm there and then in the daylight of the car park, exposed to everyone and the elements of the rain to come. We eventually sat in my car and there before I knew it I was left alone with the 1 hour drive home.

Loads of relaxed drivers on the late Sunday drive home. In no rush, no doubt with their respectful partners or perhaps someone out there…was just like me.

I changed the minute I got home, my husband was due back anytime and he said I looked pretty. I smiled, wanting to hide in bed to not face the lies I would have to tell.

And so it is, Tuesday already. I spoke with Simon yesterday and then this evening…stolen secret moments.

We have yet to have sex but next week we plan to spend our first night together.

I don’t know if this is what I have signed up for in an affair or indeed what I was looking for. I had the most wonderful 10 years with Mr A, it was interlocked with love and sex as one. In all the men with the exceptions of my husband it was based solely on sex but here with Simon I am spending time sexually charged outside of the bedroom..visiting a garden, having coffee, lunch, motorbike and that scares me. The minute I feel any affection or warmth from him, I will run, I won’t explain but instead ignore his e-mails, telephone calls, texts and I will be looking for another.

The pattern I am well accustomed to. To scared to be attached to any individual or object, fearful that I may lose them. In all the times Mr A left his wife, I ran. With my own husband, I am running keeping these affairs to myself.

I am at war with myself.

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2 Responses to “At war with myself………”

  1. emmaroux2013 August 7, 2013 at 10:10 am #

    your life seems to me to be an empty restless existence,i can’t understand why you deceive your husband like this,your are hurting him,even if he doesn’t know,you are not giving him all of yourself and only feeding your addiction to desire…do you know nothing?!!!! the thing you crave most is right under your nose and yet you allow yourself to live toxic lies,why?! for thrills,for cheap sex…are you not worth more?How can you allow yourself to decieve him day after day,man after man,robbing him of the fufillment of a loving and faithful wife,he did not agree to this! Wake up dear woman and be real,your life is based on fantasy and you will never find what you crave,you are only feeding your addiction and growing a cancer in your heart and mind….what are you thinking when doing these things,do you feel so little self worth that you find your own value in men using you for sex?I greatly assure you the men you pursue consider you of even less worth then you do them,why?!!!!! why expose yourself to such degradation and then dress it as something to be desired?If you desire such things,why not release that unfortunate soul from marital bondage,he thinks his fidelity is a gift to you,he suffers but knows not why,he is starved of deeper and meaningful love that comes from sharing…how deluded are you ? Is this the best you can do for yourself,do you have a heart at all? how can you rationalise meeting your own needs through deception …it is filth,you are perpetuating putrid filth in the name of desire…do you even spare a thought for the man and the life he has built for you, with you? Does he mean anything to you? grow a spine and tell him it’s over or the truth? for god’s sake,you are living a lie…does life and meaning and sacrifice mean anything to you? Think for a minute and stop disgracing yourself by being this way!

    • mistress4u August 7, 2013 at 5:21 pm #

      Dear Titaniumbutterfly,
      It has been an extremely long time that someone has told me such truths. I thank you for your honesty.
      Yes, I make no denial I am possibly all the things you have said. Through my writing I am not “selling” my
      behaviour as something as to be desired. Quite the contrary however each reader will have different
      opinion, a different say and judgement, I am not here to sway that but to tell my own perspective of my life.
      I do things wrong, I mess up, I can be cruel but in all those things I am a person who dearly loves my husband
      in other ways. There is a possibility some, not all but I speak of myself here have a life that we have to share on
      this blog e.g. you don’t know anything about my husband or the dynamic we have. Regardless of what or who he is, what I
      am doing is wrong. I do not say “affairs” is right, in fact it destroys all things. You are extremely protective of my husband
      and I have no doubt you too must have been at one stage of the receiving end. You speak with “fire”, “strength” and “knowledge”, which
      I appreciate and thank you for.
      As for the filth, maybe I am, maybe I am not. I will take time to reflect on your own words.
      For now, Lucy the filth who is living in a fantasy land…feeding my addiction..

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