Dear Reader,

7 Aug

Sorry if my words cause you upset for the behaviour I do in secret.

I am not here to pretend to be an angel, quite the contrary. It is my own space where I tell my story like it is, no lies or secrets. I do not seek self-worth of my writing or through the men I encounter. There is an emptiness that none of them can fulfil or if I ever wish for them to do so.

I speak truth to the men I meet. I care not to change my life or change their life. I do not care for love, their money, their compliments but a  chance to escape from the wilderness of this life. Yes, there are many other ways to escape, you possibly have healthier ones than I but I do not judge you for your wrongs or rights.

Likewise, I care not for these men to ever leave their wives, if I get any inkling of this I leave and stop all contact with them. I do not beg these men to have an affair with me, they are open from the start. They treat me as they wish in the boundaries we have placed, this is the only respect we have for each other.

Maybe we are filth as you rightly pointed out, this is how I feel in my darkest moments; a form of self-punishment perhaps for all the good times I share with them?

Do I have regrets for the life I lead, yes I do but I don’t know how to stop or if indeed I want to. The pattern of my behaviour has been like this for so long but there has been many times I wanted to change and have but only to result in me lapsing.

For some, you may think I don’t love my husband. What is this based upon? The societal rules that you follow and what you are taught as love? Maybe I explore the meaning of love in other ways. I am not saying what I do is right, far from it.

I have looked at my husband many times, feeling the guilt and shame for my actions. I have finished with him but he says he is not ready to let go. In fact during those difficult times when I want our marriage to end and I am so close in telling him about my affairs it is then that he talks about “suicide”, how he couldn’t cope without me in his life and he just wouldn’t know what to do. This plays on my heart, yes I have a heart buried deep in my soul that you may not see within my blogs. I want to protect him but yet he knows I will always be there. I know I will never be there 100%.

We have tried couple therapy but I look at him in those vulnerable moments and I can’t help but to keep my secrets safe from him as I can’t dare to shatter his hope that me Lucy, his wife is not the faithful person he thinks. Therefore couple therapy is not useful unless we share all the parts of ourself..the good and the bad.

And like this blog, I have never sugar coated my words to describe my actions as good or bad. It is a safe haven for me to explore my thoughts, behaviour and feelings and hopefully one stage, like you my dear reader be the faithful lady to a husband that loves me.

I am sorry to have upset you.

Lucy x

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8 Responses to “Dear Reader,”

  1. badlittlegoodgirl August 7, 2013 at 10:37 pm #

    Fuck that. This is YOUR blog. If they don’t want to read a blog about the activities of a mistress, there’s plenty of other things they can read on the internet. Jerk-offs. This is YOUR life. Be true to YOU and everyone else can shove it.

    • mistress4u August 8, 2013 at 8:59 pm #

      Badlittlegoodgirl,
      I do enjoy your positive outlook to life and how you can bring a smile to my face with your comment. You have the inner strength I so admire. I have to admit my heart stopped a pace when I read the comment from a reader. Her thoughts may be true and for one slight second I thought I had to run (what I know best) but this is my current pattern and I can only be true to myself for now. Thank you thank you dear female! x

  2. micklively August 8, 2013 at 6:56 am #

    In the final analysis, your body belongs to you and no-one else. It is yours to do as you please with. People have sought to control female sexuality since the world began. There is a theory that was why religion was invented.
    You only get one life. You could waste it, trying to follow some artificial moral code, or you could follow your instincts and live life to the full. It’s a no-brainer!

    • mistress4u August 8, 2013 at 8:57 pm #

      Mick,
      Thank you for your kind words. You are right, our bodies belong to us and no one else. I like this theory of religion being invented for this reason. I will pick the latter and live life to the full, for the current moment also. I hope you are too! x

      • micklively August 9, 2013 at 10:21 am #

        Alas, no, I don’t feel that I am. Maybe I need a mistress?

      • mistress4u August 10, 2013 at 8:09 pm #

        You possibly do! Who am I to say though? 😉 That would be your decision and yours alone, referring to your original comments – our bodies are ours alone, our choices are ours alone! Be wise of the decision though. I’m enjoying your blog by the way.

  3. joyfullsubmissive August 9, 2013 at 2:34 am #

    Oh, forget who gets upset about your life, and your choices and your blog. It’s you. They could only wish to be as open and honest about your life and choices as you. I support you. Totally.

  4. thornheart August 11, 2013 at 3:29 am #

    You did not need to justify your words nor your actions. We al find ourselves in some web of deceit that only we as individuals can understand completely. No one else. I feel like I have become a different person. You still maintain that the men in your life dare not leave their wives for you, but here I am hoping the man I love does that for me. I may sugar coat my words the way you don’t, but the way I see it, your heart is in a better place than mine. Don’t stop writing. This is OUR space, our outlets,… this is where I draw my moral support…no pun intended.

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