Dancing with the wolves…

Regardless of what position we play within the affair, the cheater, the mistress or the betrayed spouse we all dance with the wolves; changing our positions.

Karpman’s Relationship Triangle is an excellent demonstration on how a couple may dance when they meet (not always the case though), taking on a role from the following, possibly changing over time:

Persecutor
Victim
Rescuer

Then a third party is invited to the triangle in the form of an affair. The betrayed had no choice in the dance not inviting the other to join the unified sanction of the marriage. Only when the affair is found out the betrayed may take the unwilling victim role who is persecuted by her/his partner. The betrayed will change step slowly and may want to rescue the marriage from the unknown angst of this horrid affair. The role will change and in time they will position themselves as the persecutor in turn feeling wrongly done in turn gets angry and resentful for being made to dance with the wolves.

The cheater…he/she possibly persecutes the partner for not loving enough, lack of intimacy, communication problems, children coming first, not enough sex; the list is endless or possibly any explanation to enable them to rationalise their wayward behaviour. The cheater is now the victim in the dance and the affair partner is the rescuer from this “horrid lifestyle” but becoming the victim when the excitement of the affair is ended. The cheater will no doubt want to rescue his/her marriage, save their married partner in any way they can.

Dancing with the wolves isn’t fun but it can be one explanation of the dynamics we go through when experiencing an affair; regardless of what dynamic we are in.

Some of us are born rescuers, maybe this is how you have related to your partner from the moment you met. The victim role plays a cruel hand when we are dealt with health conditions or events outside of our control – an affair being one of them. Persecutor; the part we may not like – within us all.

I am the wolf dancing, you can catch me smiling thinking I have it all under control. I watch the dance before me, sometimes at the edge. I listen to the married men before me and more times enough I feel like rescuing their wives and not them. A horrid thing to say but the truth.

Mr M who had two children has never cooked a meal for his wife or cleaned. He played the victim role as she wasn’t interested in sex and the children came first. I tried to rescue the situation for him, explaining she might be tired keeping a house going all the time and looking after the children, the last thing she may want is sex. I gave him a recipe on how to cook an easy meal, to give her a break – he looked at me like I had horns in my head but never did bother.

I have little respect for the married men I have affairs with (except Mr A); they possibly feel the same way for me too. They become emotionally entwined in my life, seemingly wanting a care free affair and then their neediness begin. They want more time from me, more talking then they start to say I like you moving onto I love you, to then ask me …do you ever wonder what if. No, I have never wondered what if. Why would I want to be with a man who cheats, even more disturbing why would a man want to love his beloved wife, the honest one of us all for a female who is clearly a cheater. They are possibly looking for the rescuer in me but I am not here to rescue anyone; only selfish enough to rescue myself.

I leave the dance at this stage, looking for the next wolf. Wherever he may be and my dance with the wolves continue.