Secret of marriage

18 Aug
The rain has hit England with a vengeance over the last few days. Hiding under umbrellas the world is still ticking by. Hot coffee tickles my tiresome blank mind, the trickles of warmth from the bath eases my stressed body.

I’m feeling low (again). The reality of my life reminds me everyday with my husbands words.

He’s controlling by nature, words vindictive and spiteful. Hitting me where it hurts and possibly deserve.

The anger he carries has diminished through the years. There is no more threats or his heavy hand upon my body. I should be able to breathe but somewhere inside me I’m on alert, especially when he is drinking.

The warning signs where there from the start. What I thought was someone liking and wanting me was in fact control (not the dominance I prefer). 

And now? The mind torture I feel is somewhat worse than the fiasco of a night where he trailed me down a street and demand I drive the car over a bridge. “Lucky” for me..both of us ( I have yet to decided) someone called the police, he was arrested and the police phoned me months later for help with domestic abuse.

Me – highly dependent me, subject to domestic abuse? I couldn’t take the words, blamed myself for possibly flirting/igniting his temper. Mr A said “Get out Lucy, this is not your fault”.

Yet I blamed myself. I was having an affair with Mr A and although my boyfriend (husband now) didn’t realise I blamed myself. I still do, sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy, too sensitive to his words or in fact he is right.

The thing with my husband is he truly compliments me, tells me I’m beautiful, makes me feel on top of the world, kisses, touches and would do anything for me. The flaw…

His words….a few examples:

He complains I don’t cook or clean enough. Therefore I try harder at these tasks, when I do he says I am doing it without care, that the food is not eatable (even after 2hrs of cooking). And so he starts the cooking again to remind me of all he does and I do nothing.

Tells me no one else would ever love me, that even my family doesn’t. For years I believed this fact but no longer do.

Yesterday I was hungry, grabbing another cookie he took it from my hand “no more Lucy, your not hungry – you’ve had enough”. I complied, maybe I wasn’t hungry”.

I’m not allowed to say his name as apparently I patronise him when I say it. 
Asking him about his day (depending on his mood) can lead to an argument.
I rationalise that there is good and not so good personality traits in all of us. What would be the point in using “splitting” as a defence, seeing him as all good or bad.
My affairs excuse his words. However maybe this isn’t his fault, I’m too sensitive to him. I should let his words go and accept them as they are. One way of coping with them is to escape to another who sees my flaws but they don’t have long enough with me to get annoyed by them.
I will by no means excuse my appetite of affairs by blaming my husband, this was happening long enough before him.
I want to be accepted for me. Someone who doesn’t want to change me, to love me for me. I have never had this before. But then I don’t love me for me.
To think of living in this marriage for years to come leaves me in despair. I could never have children with him. Then the question pops into mind… Me, independent Lucy.. Did she ever exist? Am I staying in this marriage as I truly believe my husband… “Who would ever love me deeply enough to accept the flaws I hide so well”.
The secret of my marriage I have never told

11 Responses to “Secret of marriage”

  1. WordsFallFromMyEyes August 18, 2013 at 9:32 am #

    Wow, this is scary to me. It’s scary you let him take that cookie – I would have shoved a whole packet down my throat right in his face – and it’s scary you allow this treatment of you. I really don’t understand it.

    Thank you though, your honest sharing of words.

    • mistress4u August 19, 2013 at 6:52 pm #

      I have been enjoying your blog and your experience, the life you lead and the honesty you reveal. Your damn right, I should have swallowed the packet and all. Phew, if I was a stranger looking into my life I would grab myself and say wake up girl. I love him, do I? Yes I do…the affairs keep me safe. It took a lot for me to write and publish this about my marriage. Although I am hiding behind a computer screen, it scares me to think my life is real, this is me, all of me and it is not always pleasant.

  2. August 18, 2013 at 5:45 pm #

    To dig within, touch upon our pasts and seek our futures – it is a scary place to go.

    You are deserving of everything you want. Everything. You will not find your most challenging obstacles in that which surrounds you, but rather, in yourself.

    I am here to attest – you are deserving. You are beautiful. You are intelligent and strong.

    You are deserving.


    • mistress4u August 19, 2013 at 6:49 pm #

      Kelly, your words (even from your blog) soothe through my veins and bring an inner peace that I’m not used to. Thank you, thank you for your wise and warm words. It is appreciated.
      The digging of the stones, revealing the vulnerable side of “me”…”us” is one of the most wonderful and scary places to visit. The journey never ends in the revealing of the real “I”…or the personal experience we all travel.
      You are right, at times I feel I deserve more..but then my behaviour seem to excuse all actions. A song comes to mind “One day I will fly away”…..xx

  3. badlittlegoodgirl August 18, 2013 at 8:01 pm #

    Lucy, this sounds horrible. How can you live this way? I know you will not listen to me–why should you? But I have to say, I agree that you need to get out. This is not a life. It is not a marriage. You are worthy of love, you don’t deserve to be treated this way.

    • mistress4u August 19, 2013 at 6:46 pm #

      BLGG, love your name by the way.
      I wrote that blog on Sunday morning, feeling sorry for myself. I live this way by having affairs 😉 Yes, I’m smiling. Unlike you I don’t have the honest or open relationship (your blog is interesting!). Maybe one day, I will fly solo from the nest I have created and live the single life…be the true mistress that I’m meant to be. Belonging to no man, a citizen of the world. I don’t believe any female / man is to be owned but in this marriage I feel it.

  4. Master's Slave August 19, 2013 at 9:12 am #

    He disrespects himself, unhappy little or no confidence, dissatisfied with his life, Sound like he screaming for help. might be depression. Rage is can be treated

    • mistress4u August 19, 2013 at 6:44 pm #

      Master Slave, I really agree with you! There is a rage buried deep within him, he can’t handle and I’m on the receiving end.

  5. forbiddenlove4u August 23, 2013 at 7:35 pm #

    Very profound reminds ke of my situation and what lead me to my friend.

    • mistress4u August 28, 2013 at 7:46 pm #

      I guess we all have triggers that opens our doors to others, a special friend short or long term. And there in those wildest moments we are reminded of everything we want, crave and deserve…it is fulfilled. On sometimes a temporary complicated level but to have been shown it all provides hope.

      • forbiddenlove4u August 30, 2013 at 7:33 am #

        Opening your heart to someone can be painful just make sure you don’t get hurt.

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