The wind is changing…

1 Sep

it is much colder in England, it feels like Autumn but only the 1st September. It is breezy and the fresh air catches my face and makes me smile. The nights are drawing closer and I hope we receive some sunshine before Autumn fully trickles through the darkened sky.

Something in me has shifted. To explain or describe it with words is impossible. I said a final good-bye to Mr M last week. For the first time in my life I didn’t want to “play” with him, pretending that I was sitting here waiting to see him while all along I am being entertained by Simon.

To: Mr M

From: Lucy

27th August

Hello Mr M,

I hope you had a joyful bank holiday week-end and rested for the week ahead, if not you have your week in the sun to look forward to.

Unfortunately I am reluctant to meeting you next week. Yes at times I miss the debate, your charasima – who wouldn’t? I even thought about our first night together as I’m booked to stay there through work soon (wonderful memories). Then again, I also remember the week we finished, you not contacting me/using that site and I guess I drifted away from you and I’m uncertain in regards to drifting back to you.

I don’t think there is anything else to say but a cherished thank you for allowing me to walk this secret path with you regardless of how short it was to be. You have a special soul.

I won’t contact you again but maybe I will send you an invitation on New Years Eve to see if you are open to an adventure for 2014…I will imagine you in the sun when I do so 😉

Enjoy the rest of 2013

******** – always this name with you 😉

I cried  after I sent it. Taking the first step in placing boundaries into my life is strange for me, usually I am on the receiving end of rules and boundaries from others.

The reply:

*******

That is a shame but as I always respect your opinion that’s the way it is.

Thanks though for your kind words they are reciprocated.

I look forward to your invitation on New Years Eve.

Mr M xx

As simple as that, the relationship was over.

I had thoughts of doing the same with Simon but I guess I am not ready yet to extend these boundaries onto other areas of my life. One step at a time is my mantra at present.

My hopes –

* to try and create harmony in my relationship with my husband.

This involves two sides – both he and I creating this harmony between us. I disclosed to him this week that “I feel suffocated by you criticism and something has to change or I will have no choice but to leave”. On reflection this seems like a threat but I have to place boundaries in this relationship and at quick pace.

I also reminded my husband that I told him 9 years ago I didn’t want to have the same dynamics within our relationship and here I am 9 years later and NOTHING has changed. He promised me he would change and seek therapy, this is the usual pattern of false promises. Maybe this time the pattern will change – A. he works with me or B. I leave instead of staying.

However something has changed in me already. I feel inner peace. I don’t need a man to reassure me of my self-worth, be that an affair or a husband. I want to take this journey of life knowing I have experienced it all, from my desires to my thoughts. I want to uncover the stones to know what really makes me laugh, to experience love in its purest form and to feel the excitement and the fear at the same time but not run (to having an affair)….I want to read like I used to do and not be consumed of guilt for not talking to my husband instead of reading…

I want to be Lucy….I want to be me…Will the real Lucy please stand up?

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11 Responses to “The wind is changing…”

  1. WordsFallFromMyEyes September 1, 2013 at 10:54 am #

    I can feel your ache here. Boundaries. I have lived my whole life without boundaries, and I am a mess. I beg boundaries for all. There must be something behind why we’ve none? Good for you. Stay committed to your wellbeing, I do hope.

    1 Sept is the beginning of Spring in Australia! – joy!

    • mistress4u September 7, 2013 at 9:29 am #

      Boundaries are such a big thing, I wish there was a “to do book” – like a recipe to a cake on how you can boundaries to your life. I guess this is the journey to finding out my unique needs and wants.
      I wonder if it has anything to do with the environment we grew up in or tainted by our first experiences of adult relationships – be that sexual?
      Happy spring, aren’t you lucky. I wish I was in Australia.
      Sorry for late reply

      • WordsFallFromMyEyes September 7, 2013 at 9:30 am #

        No problem a late reply! We all get busy. 🙂

        I actually wished there was a guidance book on parenting/mothering… but we just learn, don’t we. Boundaries too. Or not. That’s the problem.

  2. phoenixasubbie September 1, 2013 at 3:03 pm #

    Good for you!!! That was nice to read. I wish you the best on your journey

    And boundaries are HARD for most of us. But so necessary..

  3. kat September 1, 2013 at 7:06 pm #

    i think it is a positive development that you are now placing boundaries and deciding what you will accept from others. i think it is exciting that you have discovered that you do not need another to define you, to tell you who you are, but that you get to do that for yourself. i hope all this positive forward momentum continues to propel you toward a more productive place for you, a place where you are taking care of yourself.

    • mistress4u September 7, 2013 at 9:25 am #

      Boundaries, I have been reading so much about this. It might be my next addiction! xx

  4. cody September 1, 2013 at 8:03 pm #

    the wind-the inner peace after an affair–is a great thing/feeling–before it’s like custer’s famous saying about the badlands where he fought the Lakota Indians “it’s like hell only the fire is burning up”–nobody defines you– only you can do that, life is to short, live it to the best of your ability and don’t be afraid to try anything and everything that you want out of it–!!!!
    have a great day
    cody

    • mistress4u September 7, 2013 at 9:24 am #

      Phew sigh sigh sigh…….I like this saying…..
      That is what I’m afraid of Cody, I try too many things at times and before I know it I am getting burnt, it can feel like hell but then again is it my thoughts creating the hell or my actions. Who is to know.
      Have a great week-end.

  5. severin September 3, 2013 at 10:58 am #

    Wow, you’re awesomely brave, awesomely eloquent, awesomely kind.
    You know, you’re kind of awesome.
    sev xx

    • mistress4u September 7, 2013 at 9:23 am #

      Oh Sev. I love your words but I don’t think I am brave…awesome as a submissive yes! 😉 You see, across the powers of the internet you have made me smile. I hope you are being good and doing as you are told!
      xx

      • severin September 7, 2013 at 8:44 pm #

        Oh I am. Nearly always. Certainly most of the time. I’m hardly ever not. Except when …….
        Whoops. #BadSev xx

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