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One step forward….two steps back…

3 Sep

but with greater awareness.

The more that we hide behind the stark reality of who we are the more these aspects are buried but at some stage they will arise and with greater intensity.

All these aspects require a defence to ease the anxiety. For me, I have a few defences – smoking, affairs and being a submissive. All an addiction and did I mention sex, the sweet joyful sex – erotic enough to have you savour the moment for all your tomorrows.

Although these defences served me purpose in the past they have become unhealthy.

Wipe away my cool exterior, the make-up, the perfect outfit and here I sit vulnerable. The shame comes in sweeps, not a tame current but a tidal wave drowning my existence.

That same shame hit me last night in the throws of spending another evening with Simon. We stayed in an apartment – hotel, it was perfect. We chatted intensely over dinner, if you are to ask me what we chatted about – I can’t recall but there wasn’t any silences. Three bottles of wine later we were soaking in a bath, lit only by candles (to melt on my body) and everything felt so right. My defence was letting me forget “me” and all that comes with being me, there I was being admired by this man…

We had sex in the bath to then continue in the bedroom. It was purest to the sense I have ever known for vanilla sex but that didn’t last long…he spanked me, whipped me with a crop, a paddle….

And there we had sex again…maybe several times and though it fulfilled me in every manner I still wanted more…something in me wasn’t satisfied. The sex was my defence last night….

To the outside world a perfect evening…the windows were ajar and in the heat of the moment I heard passer-by’s and was strangely aroused by this concept of someone hearing us..this seemed to turn me on more and I thought of others watching us….

But there in the middle of the night, my body sprawled naked around Simon the real me “Lucy” and all her anxieties hit. And I cried…I cried with guilt and shame of what I was doing to my husband. I saw a vivid image of my husband in my thoughts, being at home alone and finally realised he is worth much more than what I have to give.

I don’t know how Simon felt about my upset. We both didn’t sign up to an affair that would have his married lover crying with guilt about her husband. I don’t know how men usually respond to this as I have never experienced this upset with any of them before.

Simon held me, cuddled and gave me tissues. Within a few minutes I had composed myself and back to kindered spirit that Simon thinks of me. On reflection I wondered if I felt safe to open up to him….I don’t know.

As for today, the drive to work was awful. Even the radio couldn’t drown out my actions or the thoughts I had. I wanted to cry but the “ice-queen” in me had returned, the emotions were buried and was to be dealt with another time.

To think that once upon a time I was thrilled with the concept of being the other women, disregarding the wife as if I owed her nothing, to not think of her life or the life of others, treating them all like puppets so I can ease my anxiety and here I am now….wanting to erase it all and not having a clue how or what I should do.

It is a lonely place to carry this secret alone and have others to think of you as “special” when you see your reflection it was only one of disgust.

Then again…I will arise from this place and carry on like I have done before but this time I can see through the clouds and know the path I am wishing to take.

I just hope I don’t continue this affair with Simon and somewhere in him or me we finish it before I spiral into depths that I can’t return from.

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8 Responses to “One step forward….two steps back…”

  1. kat September 3, 2013 at 7:21 pm #

    i think you are growing and seeing that you are worth more than just sex, more than just the admiration and desire of a man. i think your perspective is maturing as you now are able to see yourself as more than an object of sex, more than the other woman. you are starting to see yourself as a wife, a woman worthy of so much more than just sex and desire (altho that is undoubtedly important satisfying). i seems you are maybe seeing that the sex and desire does not really fill that empty hole deep inside, it just masks it for a bit, like a bandaid on a gaping wound. maybe you should not answer Simon’s next call, much as you did with your other gentleman friend recently. maybe you should take some time to see what other kinds of things can/cant fill that void inside. maybe even investigate the dusty facets of your relationship with your husband. it may be possible that you don’t really need the thrill of the illicit sex or of being a sub. it may be that you need to give yourself love, respect, self-care and then you will find the same in your spouse as well.

    these suggestions are just that, suggestions. but i do hope you explore that void deep within and try to find a way to fill it yourself, because if you don’t love you, no one else can either. they can only take, use. they can try to love, but you won’t be able to accept it if you don’t love yourself first. i hope you know i am not offering these suggestions in any way other than to wish the best for you.

    Good luck! (from someone who has traveled a similar road)

    • mistress4u September 3, 2013 at 7:29 pm #

      Kat, your words are so wonderful to hear! You are like my therapist. I have to reply to your earlier message – apologises. My head space wasn’t there to be reply but I will do so. You are so right..you get my point, I could have had sex all night but there it was this open wound that sex alone could not satisfy. I have not replied to his latest text – and I guess that is the way forward for me – the sex object has to be left behind. The self-care, love and respect are all things I wish to gain for myself. If I was looking at my life as a stranger I would only see self-destruction, I provide myself pain.

      Your suggestions are correct and I am more than welcome to take them on board. I guess filling the void and developing the love for me will take time. And believe me it is great to hear from someone who has travelled a similar road, that provides home as the position you are talking from is somewhere I admire…somewhere I wish to be.

      My husband and I have booked a holiday. Not an escape from reality but something we can book look forward to and re-connect. I am scared of loving him, scared of opening my wounds to have him abandon me and these affairs also helped this. I guess as you say I am maturing and making sense of the world and the role I have within it.

      I can’t thank you enough Kat for all your support through words. Just think, somewhere, someone out there is being reassured by your kindness. I have no doubt karma will be great to you.

      For now, Lucy x

      • cody September 3, 2013 at 8:50 pm #

        I like this post–seems your changing, I can relate to your comment “it’s a lonely place carrying a secret and having others think of you as someone special” I did it for 2 yrs and that’s coming from someone on the other side of it..
        hope you didn’t get too sunburned over the long weekend.
        cody

      • mistress4u September 7, 2013 at 9:20 am #

        Oh Cody….try five (5000) steps back 😉 I am glad you can relate but yet I’m still intrigued to hear more, please write? 😉 No sunburn, in England we had rain last week-end. Yesterday was the same, today a little bit better!

  2. phoenixasubbie September 4, 2013 at 12:45 am #

    You are worth more than you are allowing yourself to have or maybe even believe.

    Stop the behaviors that you know are only going to twist the knife in deeper. Love yourself. Forgive yourself.

    It starts there.

    Hugs

    • mistress4u September 7, 2013 at 9:22 am #

      Thank you phoenixasubbie!
      Things are really busy at this end so it is my task to catch up on your blog this afternoon.
      You are so right about the twisting of the knife deeper. I love me, I love me, I love me 😉

  3. cody September 7, 2013 at 6:30 am #

    anything new on your end?
    cody

    • mistress4u September 7, 2013 at 12:20 pm #

      It has been a busy week Cody. And yes, I have updated my journey a little further.
      I hope you are well.

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