Sex, love….guilt.the question of infidelity?

I am sure my view won’t be shared by all but here goes….

My motto to life is….”it’s one big party”.

The curiosity of my mind, body, soul and spirit was to always be on the search of the next adventure partner.

My life is complete on many levels, good friends, peers and a job. A husband who loves me, cherishes me and lightens my smile with his quirky and eccentric outlook on life. To everyone my life is complete.

For me, it never felt complete. My first and only experience of being a mistress was from the age of 16-26. During this time that relationship continued on when I was to be engaged and eventually married. In Mr A I had the world, an adventure partner and I felt totally complete living the double I had. Unfortunately due to circumstances outside of my control it ended.

I was faithful for 3 years. I mean, totally faithful. Was I though? Part of my mind was preoccupied with grieving for Mr A and how the future would have been. I couldn’t do it alone. I attended therapy, the death of him reminded that part of me died. The part that longed for the adventure and for many years I detached from life and survived only so my partner would never know the awful secret I was hiding.

Then one morning…last September. The sun was shining in my bedroom and it was for me to live my life again. It might seem simple but it took me 2 1/2 years to feel a buzz again.

In therapy I realised I used sex as a defence to keep people away, I would never be close….but then how did I marry husband. So different from the married roles Mr A and Mr M. My husband, the beautiful man with the melting chocolate eyes was a solid figure, someone who would be an anchor when the storm got to tough, the wind when I needed to move, the sunshine when I got too cold …..

I have only answer to this. Could I be possibly using defences as a way of never giving myself 100% to him.

My second affair with Mr M was much different, there was no emotional value…only based on sex. Part of my emotional side had died with Mr A….

The sex as wonderful as it was not what I interpreted as an affair. I wanted an adventure partner and I ponder now if Mr A was effectively signed for the role?! Maybe I had this hope that the only person I had met from Illicit Encounters ticked all those boxes.

Or do we simply get bored in affairs? Statistics suggest they can last from anything between 6 months – 2 years. Sometimes suspicions in partners, sometimes the married ones not being able to continue with their double lives or the affair slowly pattering to an end.

The sex was afresh with new ideas, isn’t it always the case. The same excitement as with my husband but possibly a bit above…after all we had the secrecy that added fuel to the fire.

Sex with a new partner you know you “shouldn’t” be with…..

Sex exploring a new persons body…

Sex with the thrill of what its like, you can simply walk away

Is sex as simple as that in an affair? The guilt is there somewhere. The initial reward of the sex soon diminishes when you see your husband/wife…the guilt may diminish when you argue with your husband/wife but it has to be there somewhere.

What is guilt?

The punishment of oneself prior to someone else doing it…a rumination of thoughts, criticism you give to yourself.

Statistics say men can detach sex from love, I believe they can but woman can do it also.

I didn’t love Mr M, there was no emotions but yet I had the most amazing sex.

Then I love my husband…the sex is great, its been over 10 years now, the spark weakens a little but the spark is still there.

As for Mr M, according to him and possibly many other men, the sex life / communication wasn’t there. Maybe if he read this he could comment and correct me if I am wrong. I recall a conversation when he said ” I could phone her (wife) and tell her I had sex with a ….female and she probably wouldn’t listen and continue with what she was doing”.

He is also 15 years older than me and said once “it can be sad, sometimes you have nothing in common with your partner after so many years of marriage”…..I don’t know if he was talking about himself or someone else.

Mr M had children, I am sure beautiful. His wife adored him on all accounts, who am I to judge. The basic form of communication or emotional connection seemed missing. I did wonder many times if she rejected him in his advances of sex…Should I care? No…but my curious mind wonders.

Can one ever be faithful after an affair?

I think they can. If they really love their respective partner………

Do I love mine? (husband)…..I feel no guilt and only had 3 years of being faithful. If I done it once surely I can do it again.

To the addictions of affairs….I am sorry to all those who have been on the receiving end of an affair

2 Responses to “Sex, love….guilt.the question of infidelity?”

  1. WordsFallFromMyEyes August 18, 2013 at 9:29 am #

    An interesting read indeed. I’ve never read from this perspective. Did you ever read The Callgirl? That was an excellent book by a woman who was a callgirl, how she became that, etc. Please don’t misunderstand – I’m not “calling you a callgirl” I’m saying you’re revealing the inner thoughts of a woman who is not a mum-at-home-oh-faithful. Interesting to read, and feel your world.

    • mistress4u August 19, 2013 at 6:53 pm #

      Oh, I want to read this book. I will definitely get it but do you have the full name and author?. I am one step away from being paid 😉 Thank you for your words and I look forward to reading

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