Tag Archives: cryying
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One step forward….two steps back…

3 Sep

but with greater awareness.

The more that we hide behind the stark reality of who we are the more these aspects are buried but at some stage they will arise and with greater intensity.

All these aspects require a defence to ease the anxiety. For me, I have a few defences – smoking, affairs and being a submissive. All an addiction and did I mention sex, the sweet joyful sex – erotic enough to have you savour the moment for all your tomorrows.

Although these defences served me purpose in the past they have become unhealthy.

Wipe away my cool exterior, the make-up, the perfect outfit and here I sit vulnerable. The shame comes in sweeps, not a tame current but a tidal wave drowning my existence.

That same shame hit me last night in the throws of spending another evening with Simon. We stayed in an apartment – hotel, it was perfect. We chatted intensely over dinner, if you are to ask me what we chatted about – I can’t recall but there wasn’t any silences. Three bottles of wine later we were soaking in a bath, lit only by candles (to melt on my body) and everything felt so right. My defence was letting me forget “me” and all that comes with being me, there I was being admired by this man…

We had sex in the bath to then continue in the bedroom. It was purest to the sense I have ever known for vanilla sex but that didn’t last long…he spanked me, whipped me with a crop, a paddle….

And there we had sex again…maybe several times and though it fulfilled me in every manner I still wanted more…something in me wasn’t satisfied. The sex was my defence last night….

To the outside world a perfect evening…the windows were ajar and in the heat of the moment I heard passer-by’s and was strangely aroused by this concept of someone hearing us..this seemed to turn me on more and I thought of others watching us….

But there in the middle of the night, my body sprawled naked around Simon the real me “Lucy” and all her anxieties hit. And I cried…I cried with guilt and shame of what I was doing to my husband. I saw a vivid image of my husband in my thoughts, being at home alone and finally realised he is worth much more than what I have to give.

I don’t know how Simon felt about my upset. We both didn’t sign up to an affair that would have his married lover crying with guilt about her husband. I don’t know how men usually respond to this as I have never experienced this upset with any of them before.

Simon held me, cuddled and gave me tissues. Within a few minutes I had composed myself and back to kindered spirit that Simon thinks of me. On reflection I wondered if I felt safe to open up to him….I don’t know.

As for today, the drive to work was awful. Even the radio couldn’t drown out my actions or the thoughts I had. I wanted to cry but the “ice-queen” in me had returned, the emotions were buried and was to be dealt with another time.

To think that once upon a time I was thrilled with the concept of being the other women, disregarding the wife as if I owed her nothing, to not think of her life or the life of others, treating them all like puppets so I can ease my anxiety and here I am now….wanting to erase it all and not having a clue how or what I should do.

It is a lonely place to carry this secret alone and have others to think of you as “special” when you see your reflection it was only one of disgust.

Then again…I will arise from this place and carry on like I have done before but this time I can see through the clouds and know the path I am wishing to take.

I just hope I don’t continue this affair with Simon and somewhere in him or me we finish it before I spiral into depths that I can’t return from.

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