Tag Archives: erotic
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One step forward….two steps back…

3 Sep

but with greater awareness.

The more that we hide behind the stark reality of who we are the more these aspects are buried but at some stage they will arise and with greater intensity.

All these aspects require a defence to ease the anxiety. For me, I have a few defences – smoking, affairs and being a submissive. All an addiction and did I mention sex, the sweet joyful sex – erotic enough to have you savour the moment for all your tomorrows.

Although these defences served me purpose in the past they have become unhealthy.

Wipe away my cool exterior, the make-up, the perfect outfit and here I sit vulnerable. The shame comes in sweeps, not a tame current but a tidal wave drowning my existence.

That same shame hit me last night in the throws of spending another evening with Simon. We stayed in an apartment – hotel, it was perfect. We chatted intensely over dinner, if you are to ask me what we chatted about – I can’t recall but there wasn’t any silences. Three bottles of wine later we were soaking in a bath, lit only by candles (to melt on my body) and everything felt so right. My defence was letting me forget “me” and all that comes with being me, there I was being admired by this man…

We had sex in the bath to then continue in the bedroom. It was purest to the sense I have ever known for vanilla sex but that didn’t last long…he spanked me, whipped me with a crop, a paddle….

And there we had sex again…maybe several times and though it fulfilled me in every manner I still wanted more…something in me wasn’t satisfied. The sex was my defence last night….

To the outside world a perfect evening…the windows were ajar and in the heat of the moment I heard passer-by’s and was strangely aroused by this concept of someone hearing us..this seemed to turn me on more and I thought of others watching us….

But there in the middle of the night, my body sprawled naked around Simon the real me “Lucy” and all her anxieties hit. And I cried…I cried with guilt and shame of what I was doing to my husband. I saw a vivid image of my husband in my thoughts, being at home alone and finally realised he is worth much more than what I have to give.

I don’t know how Simon felt about my upset. We both didn’t sign up to an affair that would have his married lover crying with guilt about her husband. I don’t know how men usually respond to this as I have never experienced this upset with any of them before.

Simon held me, cuddled and gave me tissues. Within a few minutes I had composed myself and back to kindered spirit that Simon thinks of me. On reflection I wondered if I felt safe to open up to him….I don’t know.

As for today, the drive to work was awful. Even the radio couldn’t drown out my actions or the thoughts I had. I wanted to cry but the “ice-queen” in me had returned, the emotions were buried and was to be dealt with another time.

To think that once upon a time I was thrilled with the concept of being the other women, disregarding the wife as if I owed her nothing, to not think of her life or the life of others, treating them all like puppets so I can ease my anxiety and here I am now….wanting to erase it all and not having a clue how or what I should do.

It is a lonely place to carry this secret alone and have others to think of you as “special” when you see your reflection it was only one of disgust.

Then again…I will arise from this place and carry on like I have done before but this time I can see through the clouds and know the path I am wishing to take.

I just hope I don’t continue this affair with Simon and somewhere in him or me we finish it before I spiral into depths that I can’t return from.

Writing to My Sensei

30 Aug

To: Sensei

From: Lucy

12th August

There she was finally knelt before him. Vulnerability cursed her soul, the only way she knew excitement. The body longed for his complete control and he was willing to provide it.

His order came fast. The heart quickened eager to please, the hand in her hair raised her head to look into his eyes. This was the part she disliked most, her eyes were the only part of her that showed desire, need, pleasure and fear; only those truly connected could tell her emotions.

She wished she was blindfolded.

He saw her pleasure and longing for him as he rubbed his dick gently over her lips. Her tongue crept to the edge for just one lick and he allowed her that; twirling around the thickness. She was ready to suck him but he ordered for her to sit up and spread her legs wider ” so I can see all“.

There she was, exposed to him – to be looked at while he tied her up, arms behind her back in the favourite position she knew so well.

In that gleeful moment the tingling hot sensation crept through her veins flowing to her skin her mind free to allow her body to accept his orders, touch and whatever was to be. his touch unfamiliar curved her stomach teasing her inner thigh with his fingers and the feeling of his breath upon her.

She opened her legs further inviting him to join, her eyes focusing on his dick. The cool hands pushed her head down she was not to look, only at the floor.

The fingers of his hands opened to grip the pressure points of her neck. He was now behind her, his dick rubbing against the small of her back his left hand covering her mouth and the right moving in circling movements until he reached her clit, his head bent so he could graze his teeth over her neck. All they had been waiting for had begun…….

———————————————————————————————————————————–

Upon his request and much to my reluctance my dearest Sensei requested for me to write  about our first night (as above). Prior to this he had shared via e-mail on what he would think our first night would be like. His writing tantalised my senses, senses I didn’t even know I had. Through the course of several days and three e-mails later he had imprinted vivid thoughts on what it would be like to be alone with him.

Our first night together, over two weeks ago was somewhat different from both of our fantasies but still invigorating enough to have us meet again last week for a brief afternoon encounter. Unfortunately with my work schedule and home life we were unable to meet this week but our souls will be intertwined again on Monday.

 

Who is sensei?

27 Aug

Sensei = translated from Japanese = “a person born before another” or “teacher“. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensei

*We are the opposites that attract; he is the dominant I his submissive.

*We are similar to each other; the secret love and special friend we have been waiting for.

*He nurtures my mind, soul and body; holds me when I am afraid but pushes my boundaries as he knows my true desires.

*We speak daily of fears, dreams, knowing parts of each other that no one else was keen to know.

*He binds me in rules but eager for me to fly.

*We are souls reunited with the passion of reading, being outdoors, food and sex.

*He chooses what I wear when I see him, from the underwear to the stockings I am here to please and obey him.

*We leave the outside world behind and in those stolen moments in each others arms we do belong.

*He is tall, educated, a romantic, married and older than I.

*I am not as tall as he, educated in a different way, an unromantic, married to another and younger than he.

*We are opposites.

*We are similar.

*He walks this journey with me, his wife does not know about me.

*I walk this journey with him, my husband does not know about him.

*This affair is like no other.

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Porn experience 2013

25 Aug

The men that have walked by my side in 2013, okay okay I go for few “walks” with them but I stand, bend, lye, crawl – you name the position and I have done it in their presence……. have all admitted to watching porn.

I love porn, it can be tantalising to watch it fully clothed with an amazing lover to end up naked while acting the scenes….. Most importantly the scenes you both enjoy!

It’s all about balance, right?

What about the man who gets so engrossed with watching porn and his own wank that he can’t or finds it difficult to ejaculate with a female touching him? (Yes there are sexual difficulties that men experience without the use of porn but this post isn’t about this).

Unforgiving to me I had this experience with Mr M – in fact it was more delayed ejaculation but yet he couldn’t reach the point of no return unless he held his cock, rubbing it furiously to get the desired effect and squirting every drop upon my face. He consistently watched porn and you bet it – this was the scene he liked most to watch. I questioned many times the possibility that Mr M might have taken viagra, prolonging his hardness but I doubt it. In regards to his wanking, he got so used to his own touch and “cumming” this way he could do it no other way. His wife hadn’t touched him in years….who’s fault was it? If he was my long term partner I would have worked with him on this issue but he wasn’t, it was for the sex and the selfish goddess in me cries “I want the best”.

Then to the man, Simon who sends me links of BDSM at it’s wildest. In one scenario a female is tied up (nice and pleasant) but the man takes is holding an object that resembles a “drill” to rub over her clit. A vibrator in disguise. You are not using that on me Simon. He replied, but she really enjoyed. A. That female is not me! B. She gets paid to have wierd tools rubbed over clit! C. Shes an actress!

Then to anal. We are all different, I drink my coffee without milk and have 3 sugars (yes my teeth are pearly white and in good shape) maybe you drink yours with milk…semi, full cream (the milk?) you get my point – we are all different! Do I like anal, perhaps if a man was try to do it gently instead of prodding me full force and for me to cry out “no” – of course he won’t stop, what’s the safe word again….yes …orange, orange bloody orange. Only one man has entered me anally and for me to enjoy it – halleluia to Mr A; it was ecstasy..pure pleasure. Unlike porn, he lubed me (unfortunately they forgot this from the scene), wore a condom (yes – porn doesn’t seem to highlight the necessity of protection from diseases) and provided a rhythm that was indeed soothing and not ouch.

Do I want a threesome like the porn? No. Yes, I get it the female you watched in the porn really enjoyed the 3 cocks that filled her, she was insatiable. One man is good enough for me, just use your cock right. You want a female to join us? Been there, done it and currently wearing her picture on my t-shirt (joke!). I know you want to watch me with her but why don’t we have that cute male waiter join us and take you up the ass? I will gladly return the favour with a female then!

Feet fetish. Unbeknown to me at a work conference when the smiling stranger asked the group what their favourite body part was and my innocent reply “oh it has to be my feet” was “feeding” (he was dreaming of licking, sucking, worshipping my feet) his fetish. He signalled me out from that moment onwards and before I knew it he was revelling in the knowledge I love to have my feet massaged. Telling me how he watches porn every morning to wank about the female getting her boots and feet licked …Would you like this Lucy, have me as your submissive worshipping your feet? I never tried it before, why not and there I was before him; it felt damn good to be in the place of a dominant. Sadly, he “came” within seconds of seeing me in my underwear and stilettos. The next morning true to his he was wanking watching porn, I didn’t orgasam in his company – he thought my toe was my clit! Again the goddess within me sings “and what about me”.

I watch porn (within balance) the visual aspect is good but I wish my vagina and ass to remain intact.

I guess these married men want a whole opppps whore to fulfill their needs that the innocent wife might not be complying to.

Why am I not talking of single men? Most of the information could relate to a single man or a man you might know (not all men are the same – I have had some fantastic amazing lovers) but this is my experience of the married men that have entered (me) my world in 2013.

To the porn queen that’s within me…please go to hell.

Oh dear friend….

24 Aug

There you are before me,

another stolen moment in time.

I’ve rushed here to be with you leaving the other men behind.

You’ve waited patiently by the table….

just as you have promised.

My fingers trail delicately over the parts of you I like best, opening your top neck,

this heart beat of mine quickens .

You smell better than I remember and

cold as ice to touch.

On bended knees I look at you.

In my mouth you want me best.

And who am I to disagree,

I am here to obey.

Raising you towards me,

my lips part with every breath.

My tongue twirls round your taste,

this is better than the last.

You fill my mouth with passion and my

taste buds they do reply.

There you hit the back of my throat,

this makes me want to smile.

From the first taste to the last drop my

body begins to sway.

Finally you will be empty and I will be satisfied but yet

craving for another drop.

Oh dear friend…..my glass of white wine

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The e-mail

23 Aug

The e-mail

While deleting e-mails last night I came across one from Mr M that I hadn’t previously deleted. It was sent in the midst of winter, January to be exact. I can remember the coldness, the closeness we shared but they are merely far away thoughts.

The subject was: What animal would you be?

I remember him phoning me in the midst of returning his e-mail for him to provide the answer to what I would be.

A wild horse.

A wild horse?

I wanted to be a “nice” kitten, an animal to be held, looked after, caressed and cherished. Deep within me this desire must exist on a human level.

Instead, I project this image to the outside world….

* Dressed in pencil skirts & shirts mid-week then the relaxed look at week-end. I will be the one wearing the dress on the Saturday night, holding hands with my husband usually within a group. I’m the friendly one, making everyone laugh – hugging & kissing friends and family on both cheeks as they arrive and leave. Everyone will feel desired and loved, I’m still waiting for that feeling to arrive with me but nobody seems to notice as I’m the…..

* impermeable one to who meets me.

* Fiercely independent, the quality they most admire but if someone took their time, to really uncover this pretence they will see the fears that drive the independence, keeping me “alone” with no real attachment and constantly running from the outside world and the thoughts I have within me.

* The charming female, there is an actress within me. I’m always listening, responding with the right words. I get to know you like no other, telling me fears and dreams, I carry everyone’s secrets well. While the real me is hidden, I carry my secrets upon my back in a heavy sack.

In secret….

* I cry alone, the sadness getting too much. My eyes become swollen and I look like I have hay-fever.

* I daydream of being a princess for a day 😉

* I watch myself in the mirror, disliking the parts of me that many love…my eyes “Lucy, the windows to your soul”. If you saw my soul and the things I do, would you be my friend. “Your smile lights up the room”….it covers my breaking heart….”You have perfect legs”…would you still like them if you saw them wrapped around a strangers body last night?

* I have sex with married men. Entering an affair to escape the reality. I play them like a violin, enticing them to leave them without a good-bye.

* I spend nights with these men but leave during the middle of the night or early morning (5/6am). Unfortunately with Simon I stayed till morning (note to self: don’t do this again).

And to the animal, what would I be….the wild horse. Mr M was right. Unfortunately I’m too scared to be that kitten, to be rejected and left alone.

Until the wild horse meets the kitten within, I continue…it’s another day, the pencil skirt is waiting to mask this body of mine, the smile is ready to come and there I will walk. This body of mine will carry me, fending off the demons in my head…I’m a strong and independent women longing to be the submissive that’s in my head.

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Domestic bliss or sex toys…..

10 Aug

I woke this morning to find him (my husband) rubbing my naked back, nipping my ass gently, his lips upon my neck to then grip my arms above my head. I closed my eyes and in one tasteful moment I pretended it to be Simon, on what it would feel like to have him so close. I banished this thought from my head while I gave myself to my husband to have our dogs start barking and the golden moment was broken and we did not return to it. We ate breakfast in the garden like husband and wife, I was slightly confused and frustrated on why couldn’t merely enjoy the moment. Would it have been different with Simon? Would Simon have been able to ignore the whining of dogs and take my body in that blissful moment, forgetting the outside world and being as one?

Our husband and wife and the domestic bliss we live continued, both excitedly booking our holiday for the New Year, sharing a bottle of wine over lunch and then to visit Ann Summers. My wishes to take control over me (about time!). It was only yesterday that I was in a different Ann Summers to be purchasing toys for my night with Simon. I awed in the delight of the shop with my husband beside me this time and I wanted to purchase a ball gag “Lucy, you would never wear that – your not into that and I know you better than anyone. It would be a waste of money”.

I smiled sweetly up to my husband, of course he knows me better – I would wear one at any opportunity and Simon informed me last night he has bought me the ball gag, restraints and has me guessing of the other toys. I guess a stranger knows me better?

And what have I got for Simon. I was sadly disappointed that Ann Summers don’t stock prostate massagers however I will order this for another time. Instead I have chosen a couple toy:

http://www.annsummers.com/p/lelo-tiani-2-deep-rose-vibrator/07scnras1112041

What did I buy with my husband. To avoid the fiasco of this morning I have purchased a stunning vibrator with seven different settings, it will see me through those moments when my dear husband leaves me on the lurch to see to the dogs.

http://www.annsummers.com/p/jiggle-wand-vibrator/07nchdas1201041

We bought elegant restraints with lace…will possibly stay in the box but my vibrator on the other hand will be my favourite toy for now.

Frustrated….