Tag Archives: excitement

The wind is changing…

1 Sep

it is much colder in England, it feels like Autumn but only the 1st September. It is breezy and the fresh air catches my face and makes me smile. The nights are drawing closer and I hope we receive some sunshine before Autumn fully trickles through the darkened sky.

Something in me has shifted. To explain or describe it with words is impossible. I said a final good-bye to Mr M last week. For the first time in my life I didn’t want to “play” with him, pretending that I was sitting here waiting to see him while all along I am being entertained by Simon.

To: Mr M

From: Lucy

27th August

Hello Mr M,

I hope you had a joyful bank holiday week-end and rested for the week ahead, if not you have your week in the sun to look forward to.

Unfortunately I am reluctant to meeting you next week. Yes at times I miss the debate, your charasima – who wouldn’t? I even thought about our first night together as I’m booked to stay there through work soon (wonderful memories). Then again, I also remember the week we finished, you not contacting me/using that site and I guess I drifted away from you and I’m uncertain in regards to drifting back to you.

I don’t think there is anything else to say but a cherished thank you for allowing me to walk this secret path with you regardless of how short it was to be. You have a special soul.

I won’t contact you again but maybe I will send you an invitation on New Years Eve to see if you are open to an adventure for 2014…I will imagine you in the sun when I do so ūüėČ

Enjoy the rest of 2013

******** – always this name with you ūüėČ

I cried  after I sent it. Taking the first step in placing boundaries into my life is strange for me, usually I am on the receiving end of rules and boundaries from others.

The reply:

*******

That is a shame but as I always respect your opinion that’s the way it is.

Thanks though for your kind words they are reciprocated.

I look forward to your invitation on New Years Eve.

Mr M xx

As simple as that, the relationship was over.

I had thoughts of doing the same with Simon but I guess I am not ready yet to extend these boundaries onto other areas of my life. One step at a time is my mantra at present.

My hopes –

* to try and create harmony in my relationship with my husband.

This involves two sides – both he and I creating this harmony between us. I disclosed to him this week that “I feel suffocated by¬†you criticism and something has to change or I will have no choice but to leave”. On reflection this seems like a threat but I have to place boundaries in this relationship and at quick pace.

I also reminded¬†my husband that I told him 9 years ago I didn’t want to have the same dynamics within our relationship and here I am 9 years later and NOTHING has changed. He promised me he would change and seek therapy, this is the usual pattern of false promises. Maybe this time the pattern will change – A. he works with me or B. I leave instead of staying.

However something has changed in me already. I feel inner peace. I don’t need a man to reassure me of my self-worth, be that an affair or a husband. I want to take this journey of life knowing I have experienced it all, from my desires to my thoughts. I want to uncover the stones to know what really makes me laugh, to experience love in its purest form and to feel the excitement and¬†the fear at the same time but not run (to having an affair)….I want to read like I used to do and not be consumed of guilt for not talking to my husband¬†instead of reading…

I want to be Lucy….I want to be me…Will the real Lucy please stand up?

Guilt…is there such a thing with affairs?!

5 Jul

Image

I am sure my view won’t be shared by all but here goes….

My motto to life is….”it’s one big party”.

The curiosity of my mind, body, soul and spirit was to always be on the search of the next adventure partner.

My life is complete seems complete to others. I have good friends, peers and a job. A husband who loves me, cherishes me and lightens my smile with his quirky and eccentric outlook on life. 

For me, it never seemed complete without the thrill of an affair. My first and only experience of being a mistress was from the age of 16-26. During this time that relationship with Mr A continued on when I was to be engaged and eventually married. In Mr A I had the found the world, an adventure partner and I felt totally complete living the double I had. Unfortunately due to circumstances outside of my control it ended….he was driving to see me and had a fatal car crash. For the 3 years after Mr A death I was faithful to my beloved husband.¬†

Was I though? Part of my mind was preoccupied with grieving for Mr A and how the future would have been. I couldn’t do it alone. I attended therapy, the death of him reminded that part of me died. The part that longed for the adventure and for many years I detached from life and survived only so my partner would never know the awful secret I was hiding.¬†

I had so much guilt for Mr A deaths, I felt guilt for him driving to see me, blamed myself for his death, his children growing up without their father, his wife grieving for a man…I had guilt I was unable to attend the funeral, guilt for taking his life away. All the guilt that I maybe should have felt prior to his death, during our love affair….only was felt afterwards.

With guilt…comes shame. I had this overwhelming sense of shame, carrying this secret affair with Mr A on my own. If he was still alive I would have chatted to him about it but then in his I never experienced shame…only laughter, fun, emotions so wild and yet to be named by the world. I suffered depression, my darkest days…everything reminded me of him.¬†

Then one morning…last September. The sun was shining in my bedroom and it was for me to live my life again. It might seem simple but it took me 2 1/2 years to feel a buzz again. It was a simple buzz. I wasn’t letting go of Mr A but my world had started to grow around the grief. The grief / loss of him would always be there but I could grow as a person from this.

During my time in therapy for the grief of Mr A I realised I used sex with him, as a defence to keep people away, I would never be close to a married married, he was emotionally, physically unavailable…but then how did I marry husband. So different from the married roles Mr A and Mr M. My husband, the beautiful man with the melting chocolate eyes was a solid figure, someone who would be an anchor when the storm got to tough, the wind when I needed to move, the sunshine when I got too cold …..

I have only answer to the reason why I married, I was in an affair. I would simply not be giving myself 100% to him. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, for three years since Mr A death I was faithful…although thoughts preoccupied me else where. I set myself a challenge, one last affair to make me forget about Mr A and take this adventure journey on my own with my husband by my side…no invaders…just us.¬†

My second affair with Mr M was much different from what I was hoping for……we didn’t the view world as the same…we only shared one thing in common …..the view that sex was great.¬†

The sex was damn wonderful but was this my last fling adventure……

Maybe we got bored…I don’t know but the adventure seemed like a bad rollercoaster over the last 2 months….

 Statistics suggest they can last from anything between 6 months Р2 years. Sometimes suspicions from the married partners, sometimes the married ones not being able to continue with their double lives or the affair slowly pattering to an end.

With Mr M, the sex was afresh with new ideas, isn’t it always the case though?. The same excitement as with my husband but possibly a bit above…after all we had the secrecy that added fuel to the fire.

With an affair……..it is exciting as….

Sex with a new partner you know you “shouldn’t” be with…..

Sex exploring a new persons body…

Sex with the thrill of what its like, you can simply walk away

Is sex as simple as that in an affair? The guilt is there somewhere, sometimes buried or detached. The initial reward of the sex soon diminishes when you see your husband/wife…..their smile, their worry for you returning home late, their embrace….the guilt may diminish when you argue with your husband/wife but it has to be there somewhere.

What is guilt?

The punishment of oneself prior to someone else doing it…a rumination of thoughts, criticism you give to yourself. I think guilt is most times connected to shame also.

Statistics say men can detach sex from love and feel less guilt than women, I believe they can but woman can do it also.

I didn’t love Mr M, there was no emotions but yet I had the most amazing sex. Both separate from each other, beautifully filed into separate parts of my brain…easing me of the guilt. I’m making excuses for myself…”I’m doing no harm as nobody will find out”. A form of guilt pleasing.¬†

Then I love my husband…the sex is great, its been over 10 years now, the spark weakens a little but the spark is still there.

As for Mr M, according to him and possibly many other men, the sex life / communication wasn’t there. Maybe if he read this he could comment and correct me if I am wrong. I recall a conversation when he said ” I could phone her (wife) and tell her I had sex with a ….female and she probably wouldn’t listen and continue with what she was doing”.

He is also 15 years older than me and said once “it can be sad, sometimes you have nothing in common with your partner after so many years of marriage”…..I don’t know if he was talking about himself or someone else.

Mr M had children, I am sure beautiful. His wife adored him on all accounts, who am I to judge. The basic form of communication or emotional connection seemed missing. I did wonder many times if she rejected him in his advances of sex…Should I care? No…but my curious mind wonders.

Can one ever be faithful after an affair?

I think they can. If they really love their respective partner………

Do I love mine? (husband)…..I feel no guilt and only had 3 years of being faithful. If I done it once surely I can do it again.

To the addictions of affairs….I am sorry to all those who have been on the receiving end of an affair

Spanked and bruised

4 Jul

My memories take me back to the night of 21st February.

Again, we had dinner. I am not clear of the manner of how things proceeded from there but we ended up in the hotel room again. Like a script, we acted very well to.

I remember lying on my side naked, Mr M on his side also with his left hand rubbing my clit and right underneath my head. 

I have never had anyone take their time to make me orgasm. I wonder now if this was after we had sex. Mr M knew by my body that I was near orgasam. He teased slight with his words 

Your close, allow yourself to feel it

When he said that I asked him to put his right hand over my mouth. I wanted him to have control over me. My responded, this was what I knew well, under the spell of a man. Someone who could control me. Make me forget the priorities and rules in life and enable me to enjoy every moment without having to do anything.

Mr M done brought me to full orgasm until I was begging for him inside me.

He held off as long as he could before allowing me to sit on him.

Mr M – Tell me what you Lucy*

 

Me – Spanked

He spanked me with what I now is “big hands” and with those big hands he pulled and yanked my hair.

The world was forgotten about and I entered this blissful state that I hear many speak of when they are high on drugs.

That night we had no

  • boundaries
  • safe word
  • thoughts of our respective partners, husband and wife (for me anyway)
  • desire to stop, only wanting more
  • guilt
  • paranoia
  • sense of time or knowing when to stop

I left early. Upon returning home I had to shower before my husband returned from work. In that cold February morning I felt sore with the latest night of exercise but looking in the mirror…..I was bruised. Badly bruised……

my stomach felt queasy, the room closing in and there I was thinking I knew it all, had it all planned out and with no clear boundaries I would now have to remain clothed around my husband.

My husband and I have a very liberal lifestyle. He adores my body, as I his. My affair has nothing to do with our sex life, emotional needs not being met or communication. The suffocation, his jealousy is what strides me to have this secret but in fact….if I take responsibility for my actions I would realise this is all I know…

I’m scared of loving another, scared of the rejection…..I know I’m missing out but affairs is all I know. My defence.

During the next week the bruises healed, my guilt eased and once again the roller-coaster affair continued.