Tag Archives: happiness
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Wildest Moments……..

7 Sep

Sometimes I wonder if the calmness I feel is the calmness of the storm ahead or is it the aftermath of the storm I’ve been through?
I can’t decide….
Phew, it’s been a busy week with work. It has been welcomed as it leaves my personal life to one side. Then again, my personality is that of an addict, I swap from one addiction to another and I guess this week I have returned to the work addict. Like all my addictions, my busy week at work enabled me to experience the freedom from my thoughts, my actions…the feelings.
My boundaries, although still in practice have not worked to my advantage. With clear strength on Tuesday to avoid interactions with Simon it didn’t last long, one day to be exact. I lasted Tuesday afternoon, evening and finally caved in on Wednesday.
I ended the relationship via text, which only triggered anger in Simon. Apparently he is much more insecure in this affair than I. That’s the thing, the dynamics of what we have in our marriage comes to light at some stage within the affair. And like with my husband, I reassured Simon via an email.

To: Simon From: Lucy Date: 6th September 2013
Subject: Things I like about you.

To Simon, hopefully the below information will reassure you a little xx

1. The way you are simply you, saying it how it is and not simply agreeing with me for the sake of it (best quality).
2. It is all or nothing, black or white with you, funny or angry and just like your tattoos they are opposite also
3. Your accent – sexy
4. You have so much charisma
5. That we can speak about a wide range of subjects
6. How I can be just “me” in your company and for that little while I spend with you I forget the stress and feel so content. The most wonderful feeling
7. The way you rub my leg….mmmmm
8. The way you say hmmm hmmm
9. Your good morning texts make me smile
10. Seeing a message and finding its from you
11. The way your not afraid to try new things
12. For enabling me to trust you as I can simply enter sub space by having you near
13. For you not realising how much I adore you
14. Being attentive in every way, especially sexually
15. The sex with you is amazing, just one thought of you turns me on
16. You can simply show your insecurities and not care
17. Your patience – gosh you need it with me
18. That you can push my boundaries e.g. i would never had let anyone touch me like you did at that garden we visited
19. You make me feel safe in a strange sort of way
20. You don’t know how attractive you are
21. So calming when I cried, you didn’t try to fix the situation – you were there
22. Your cock, I wish to worship it 😉
23. Sometimes you ask me what that look is for / think I’m not pleased to be with / think I’m cold but you don’t realise that most times I’m just in awe to be in your company
24. That you spend time with me

His reply

Lucy

God I love you xxxxxx

Not in a threatening way to your marriage (I would never do that to you)

I miss you terribly when we are not together or we don’t speak or text for even a few hours

I continually have to pinch myself when you are with me as you are so beautiful, confident and drop dead gorgeous I ask myself what you could possibly see in me.

You make me smile just by thinking of you and I love your sense of humour and wicked imagination.

You do have one of the best poker faces I have ever seen and I’d hate to play against you – I’d be broke in no time lol 😉

I am always hard whenever I think of you or being with you or just listen to you.

You were amazing the other night when you deep throated me all the way down and I loved you for trying and wanting to do it to please me. Ass fucking next 😉 lol

You are insatiable and I love that when we do get time together we do genuinely fuck all night long.

I especially like looking at you when you are laying on the bed beside me and can only admire your pure and unpretentious beauty.

I especially like having you close in bed with your head on my chest and cuddling up to you when we finish making love.

You are so special to me and whilst I know we disagree on the whole soul mate thing in my mind you are most definitely mine.

You are my equal in every way and I respect you more than you know.

I know you often describe us as strangers but you know more about me than probably any other person on the planet. Believe it or not I very rarely tell anyone anything about the inner me – so believe me when I tell you “You are good” lol

I also love the way I feel inside you and the fact that I am big enough to please you and fill you deep.

I love trying new things and I know you sometime think me strange but I really enjoy giving you pleasure and never having used toys before this is opening up a whole new world to me and will give me many more ways to do so.

Thank you also for remembering me mention I had never fucked a woman in the Reverse Cowgirl Position and for jumping on and doing that for me.

I genuinely love everything about you and especially that fiery **** (reveals personal information) nature of yours because I can relate strongly to that passionate and intense side to you.

As our relationship grows we will become more in tune with one another of that I am sure and I will start to know what you are thinking and the mood you are in. The upside of our occasional fiery episode will be the fiery and passionate making up we get to do.

Thanks to you life is for living again and I look forward immensely to every text, chat and time we get together babe.

You complete me xxxxxxxxxxx

His words are much better than words than I. I am sceptical of his sweet sugar coated words, he is married, a cheat like I – how can his words be true? Then again, even if he was single I would still doubt anyone’s ability to see me in the way they do. Only I and you my dear reader know the true hidden extent of me and the life I lead. Even I forget at times that people read my words, only being reminded by the comments I receive. I panic that a reader knows about my life, the true extent of my fucked up behaviour. I then panic that Simon or anybody I know will find this blog and know everything about me.

Upon reading Simons reply I had tears in my eyes. I don’t know if it is the way he sees me, or the fact he is still a puppet? Or if deep down I get this sense of belonging with him, is this what it is like to be in love? Of course not, it is an affair ….it is a fantasy but what if…

What if…….these wildest moments are perfection

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Affair partners…..

24 Aug

Affair partners.....

<p>”The big difference between buying a house and choosing a partner is, faulty houses make good renovation projections and faulty people don’t”. Steve Fowler

I don’t see people as faulty however I am mindful that no one is perfection.

With each man that has entered my life recently there seems to be this “history” that turns me off. I don’t know if I am merely uncovering stones in the hope of finding anything that will make me stay unattached to them. My dear husband regardless of his flaws doesn’t seem to have this “history” but maybe he was smart enough not to tell me.

Simon – he has enjoyed group sex, no no no – let me rephrase that. According to him he watched group sex but it was “wife swap” with another couple. When he first met his wife he took her along to meet another couple – she had sex with the man, he with the other women. Did you feel any jealousy Simon? No, I hardly knew her. Phew this man can be so emotionally detached at times, or is it me? Am I a prude? Prior to this, he spent a night with the same couple and it was sex all night. Did I really need to know that his manhood could perform like this? Or that they took a break half way to eat ham sandwiches? Ouch, ham sandwiches make me sick. And what really angers….he wants sex unprotected with me ..”If I had anything it would have shown by now”. (Simon, has never been tested but continues to think it would “show” somehow). What world is this man living in? Prior to him being married but in a relationship and asked “Are you married?” he would say no but not mention the relationship – “I was truthful really”. This sends alarm bells in my head for the mere fact that I could be asking a question and thinking I am being told the truth.

Mr Executive – I just can’t bring myself to talk about him as for once I’m feeling sorry for the wife. They required IVF to conceive and have a beautiful charming five year old daughter. The last child who is only 9 months was the most difficult, IVF failed several times causing stress for both he and his wife. What does he do? He has an affair (not with me). I didn’t realise until recently during deep conversations that his youngest was only 9 months. This just blew me off my feet. My open mind couldn’t accept that this man, who tried so hard to have a child with his wife could just go out and have an affair. I have never kissed or slept with Mr Executive nor am I planning to do so. Does this make me a good person? 😉

The honesty of these men is appealing but at the same time the information leaves me feeling angry.

I’m started to wonder what kind of aura I have to attract and let men like this into my life. If I was choosing a life partner they wouldn’t have made it passed the first drink. Should I really care about their life history as they never will be my life partner?

Then I am angry at “me”…I am like these men. I lie, I cheat, I leave my husband at the most vulnerable times. My anger for me is merely being projected at them, seeing the aspects I don’t like within me….disowning them and utilising my anger..full force at them.

Do I trust any of them? No. Do I want to trust them? No.

Then onto Mr M. He wanted to meet Tuesday of this week but I declined with an excuse of being busy. (I was busy planning to meet Simon, you see I tell the truth but not the full truth – I LIE). I didn’t correspond with him since to receive the following e-mail yesterday:

Lucy

Hope you are okay

I woke up this morning with a stronger desire than normal to fuck you very hard….

and….cum very hard in your mouth 😉

I am wondering if I could get to see you Monday 2nd or Tuesday 3rd September?

Have a good bank holiday

Mr M xxx

Another one…I asked him if he was back to that “site” where we had first met and he said no. But he was, looking and cheating on me. I have no right to be angry though as we never forged an “exclusivity” but he said many times without me asking “There is only you and my wife”. Only me and his wife? This makes me laugh, is there such a thing as an “exclusive” affair? Possibly not, for those who have experienced it or thought you did – good luck to you.

Why am I using my energy on these men? Over analysing their every word and hearing about their past.

I am at the stage that I think affairs are biting me and I wish to leave them far away…in never never land. To go on a journey to find me, forget about these men and find the containment within.

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Hopes…..

1 Aug

Hopes.....

“hopes and dreams are like teardrops in the rain, they get lost in reality”.

I read this quote some once.

Hope = “Hope is the state which promotes the belief in good outcomes related to events and circumstances in one’s life” (Wikipedia).

The same document continues to talk about despair. Is it only when we have despair that hope is called upon through the darkest of moments, like an anchor to a boat keeping us safe, secure and contained from the elements, whatever they are to be.

Or do we simply live in hope that the future is bright, our heart will skip like a baby lamb with joy. Hope to me simply belongs for the future, can we really be hopeful in the current moment?

Dreams = “1.sequence of mental images during sleep: a sequence of images that appear involuntarily to the mind of somebody who is sleeping, often a mixture of real and imaginary characters, places, and events”. (From Bing dictionary).

Dreaming allows me to etch my worries, pain, lust, guilt, shame, fears, happiness, excitement longing that I can not bring to mind when I am awake. Dreaming allows me to explore the subconscious of my mind to enable me to reflect on my life, the consequences of my actions and above else fantasise on what is to be. Sometimes dreaming bring erotic cravings of slender hands rubbing over my bear soul, the drip of wax over my body or the nakedness of another inside me…upon wakening I day dream of it.

I day dream of yesterdays and tomorrows, lost in the beautiful mind of my own. I live parallel lives to those around me. I can be cooking dinner and cherishing my husband with my baking, smiling and talking but yet my mind reminds me that I live a double life.

I am hopeful my tears will one day stop, I dream I will meet Mr A again, my teardrops will dry and they will glisten in the sun…I will get lost in the reality of my memories and smile