Tag Archives: Husband
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Wildest Moments……..

7 Sep

Sometimes I wonder if the calmness I feel is the calmness of the storm ahead or is it the aftermath of the storm I’ve been through?
I can’t decide….
Phew, it’s been a busy week with work. It has been welcomed as it leaves my personal life to one side. Then again, my personality is that of an addict, I swap from one addiction to another and I guess this week I have returned to the work addict. Like all my addictions, my busy week at work enabled me to experience the freedom from my thoughts, my actions…the feelings.
My boundaries, although still in practice have not worked to my advantage. With clear strength on Tuesday to avoid interactions with Simon it didn’t last long, one day to be exact. I lasted Tuesday afternoon, evening and finally caved in on Wednesday.
I ended the relationship via text, which only triggered anger in Simon. Apparently he is much more insecure in this affair than I. That’s the thing, the dynamics of what we have in our marriage comes to light at some stage within the affair. And like with my husband, I reassured Simon via an email.

To: Simon From: Lucy Date: 6th September 2013
Subject: Things I like about you.

To Simon, hopefully the below information will reassure you a little xx

1. The way you are simply you, saying it how it is and not simply agreeing with me for the sake of it (best quality).
2. It is all or nothing, black or white with you, funny or angry and just like your tattoos they are opposite also
3. Your accent – sexy
4. You have so much charisma
5. That we can speak about a wide range of subjects
6. How I can be just “me” in your company and for that little while I spend with you I forget the stress and feel so content. The most wonderful feeling
7. The way you rub my leg….mmmmm
8. The way you say hmmm hmmm
9. Your good morning texts make me smile
10. Seeing a message and finding its from you
11. The way your not afraid to try new things
12. For enabling me to trust you as I can simply enter sub space by having you near
13. For you not realising how much I adore you
14. Being attentive in every way, especially sexually
15. The sex with you is amazing, just one thought of you turns me on
16. You can simply show your insecurities and not care
17. Your patience – gosh you need it with me
18. That you can push my boundaries e.g. i would never had let anyone touch me like you did at that garden we visited
19. You make me feel safe in a strange sort of way
20. You don’t know how attractive you are
21. So calming when I cried, you didn’t try to fix the situation – you were there
22. Your cock, I wish to worship it 😉
23. Sometimes you ask me what that look is for / think I’m not pleased to be with / think I’m cold but you don’t realise that most times I’m just in awe to be in your company
24. That you spend time with me

His reply

Lucy

God I love you xxxxxx

Not in a threatening way to your marriage (I would never do that to you)

I miss you terribly when we are not together or we don’t speak or text for even a few hours

I continually have to pinch myself when you are with me as you are so beautiful, confident and drop dead gorgeous I ask myself what you could possibly see in me.

You make me smile just by thinking of you and I love your sense of humour and wicked imagination.

You do have one of the best poker faces I have ever seen and I’d hate to play against you – I’d be broke in no time lol 😉

I am always hard whenever I think of you or being with you or just listen to you.

You were amazing the other night when you deep throated me all the way down and I loved you for trying and wanting to do it to please me. Ass fucking next 😉 lol

You are insatiable and I love that when we do get time together we do genuinely fuck all night long.

I especially like looking at you when you are laying on the bed beside me and can only admire your pure and unpretentious beauty.

I especially like having you close in bed with your head on my chest and cuddling up to you when we finish making love.

You are so special to me and whilst I know we disagree on the whole soul mate thing in my mind you are most definitely mine.

You are my equal in every way and I respect you more than you know.

I know you often describe us as strangers but you know more about me than probably any other person on the planet. Believe it or not I very rarely tell anyone anything about the inner me – so believe me when I tell you “You are good” lol

I also love the way I feel inside you and the fact that I am big enough to please you and fill you deep.

I love trying new things and I know you sometime think me strange but I really enjoy giving you pleasure and never having used toys before this is opening up a whole new world to me and will give me many more ways to do so.

Thank you also for remembering me mention I had never fucked a woman in the Reverse Cowgirl Position and for jumping on and doing that for me.

I genuinely love everything about you and especially that fiery **** (reveals personal information) nature of yours because I can relate strongly to that passionate and intense side to you.

As our relationship grows we will become more in tune with one another of that I am sure and I will start to know what you are thinking and the mood you are in. The upside of our occasional fiery episode will be the fiery and passionate making up we get to do.

Thanks to you life is for living again and I look forward immensely to every text, chat and time we get together babe.

You complete me xxxxxxxxxxx

His words are much better than words than I. I am sceptical of his sweet sugar coated words, he is married, a cheat like I – how can his words be true? Then again, even if he was single I would still doubt anyone’s ability to see me in the way they do. Only I and you my dear reader know the true hidden extent of me and the life I lead. Even I forget at times that people read my words, only being reminded by the comments I receive. I panic that a reader knows about my life, the true extent of my fucked up behaviour. I then panic that Simon or anybody I know will find this blog and know everything about me.

Upon reading Simons reply I had tears in my eyes. I don’t know if it is the way he sees me, or the fact he is still a puppet? Or if deep down I get this sense of belonging with him, is this what it is like to be in love? Of course not, it is an affair ….it is a fantasy but what if…

What if…….these wildest moments are perfection

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The wind is changing…

1 Sep

it is much colder in England, it feels like Autumn but only the 1st September. It is breezy and the fresh air catches my face and makes me smile. The nights are drawing closer and I hope we receive some sunshine before Autumn fully trickles through the darkened sky.

Something in me has shifted. To explain or describe it with words is impossible. I said a final good-bye to Mr M last week. For the first time in my life I didn’t want to “play” with him, pretending that I was sitting here waiting to see him while all along I am being entertained by Simon.

To: Mr M

From: Lucy

27th August

Hello Mr M,

I hope you had a joyful bank holiday week-end and rested for the week ahead, if not you have your week in the sun to look forward to.

Unfortunately I am reluctant to meeting you next week. Yes at times I miss the debate, your charasima – who wouldn’t? I even thought about our first night together as I’m booked to stay there through work soon (wonderful memories). Then again, I also remember the week we finished, you not contacting me/using that site and I guess I drifted away from you and I’m uncertain in regards to drifting back to you.

I don’t think there is anything else to say but a cherished thank you for allowing me to walk this secret path with you regardless of how short it was to be. You have a special soul.

I won’t contact you again but maybe I will send you an invitation on New Years Eve to see if you are open to an adventure for 2014…I will imagine you in the sun when I do so 😉

Enjoy the rest of 2013

******** – always this name with you 😉

I cried  after I sent it. Taking the first step in placing boundaries into my life is strange for me, usually I am on the receiving end of rules and boundaries from others.

The reply:

*******

That is a shame but as I always respect your opinion that’s the way it is.

Thanks though for your kind words they are reciprocated.

I look forward to your invitation on New Years Eve.

Mr M xx

As simple as that, the relationship was over.

I had thoughts of doing the same with Simon but I guess I am not ready yet to extend these boundaries onto other areas of my life. One step at a time is my mantra at present.

My hopes –

* to try and create harmony in my relationship with my husband.

This involves two sides – both he and I creating this harmony between us. I disclosed to him this week that “I feel suffocated by you criticism and something has to change or I will have no choice but to leave”. On reflection this seems like a threat but I have to place boundaries in this relationship and at quick pace.

I also reminded my husband that I told him 9 years ago I didn’t want to have the same dynamics within our relationship and here I am 9 years later and NOTHING has changed. He promised me he would change and seek therapy, this is the usual pattern of false promises. Maybe this time the pattern will change – A. he works with me or B. I leave instead of staying.

However something has changed in me already. I feel inner peace. I don’t need a man to reassure me of my self-worth, be that an affair or a husband. I want to take this journey of life knowing I have experienced it all, from my desires to my thoughts. I want to uncover the stones to know what really makes me laugh, to experience love in its purest form and to feel the excitement and the fear at the same time but not run (to having an affair)….I want to read like I used to do and not be consumed of guilt for not talking to my husband instead of reading…

I want to be Lucy….I want to be me…Will the real Lucy please stand up?

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The Lovers – Nocturnal Activity

17 Aug

The Lovers - Nocturnal Activity

After seeing Simon for three times and not involving anything sexual (very strange for me) we had our first night together.

I wish I could say it was fireworks but the relationship between Simon and I is somewhat different from the affairs I had before.

The hotel he booked was a castle in the countryside. It was charming and intriguing as he. On entering “our bedroom” for the night and on seeing the four poster bed I wanted him to tie me up there and then; taking me from behind.

“I have trouble reading you Lucy, what do you really want from tonight?”. I hide my emotions and thoughts well; I was wet and he hadn’t even touched me.

Feeling his dick rub against me; we kissed with his fingers putting pressure on my neck. I found myself flowing to another world; the world where I would forget everything and everyone, belonging only to the one who was dominating me.

We stopped as soon as it began, both hungry for sex but requiring dinner.

Dinner was fun, relaxed and he could have sat there without talking as the connection I feel when I am with him is more than words alone. I truly desire this man, in whatever form he presents to me. Enjoying a drink outside I felt I wasn’t in England, this man provides me an “escape” from the reality of the stresses and the responsible life I lead.

He had bought sex toys and plenty of them. Never being dominant before or using sex toys he seemed excited by the thought. His interest compelled him to do much research and some of his ideas are even knew to me. Yes, it would be easier to have someone with experience of dominance but underneath Simons cool exterior I think it has always been there; remaining hidden but slowly coming to the surface.

The night was “vanilla sex”. On any first time with a dominant I need to know if there is a “true connection” if there was to be any form of dominance I merely think there is a connection.

Simon was different from any of my previous lovers. He was attentive, naturally strong in his personality and his touch spiralled me into a submissive role without any constraints, whips, spanking or gags. I find myself going a little crazy reflecting on this, especially me the person who remains disconnected with the men I have affairs with but I felt more of a connection with Simon than I have ever done. It was like he was the lost part of me, I feel whole when he is near.

I don’t normally lye in a lovers arms after sex but there we lay in the four poster bed, sweat dripping from us both and his touch didn’t feel strange; it mesmerised me. I couldn’t help but cuddle him, touch every part of him and feel as close. Even when we eventually slept, I awoke him cuddling me from behind; holding me and I did not have the urge or need to push him away.

We had sex numerous times that night and with every orgasm prior and during sex, the insistent longing for him kept burning. To “cum” together seemed so powerful and raw. To have him tell me to “cum” and demand me to do so – although a form of dominance seemed so right.

The only sex toy we used was a magic bullet. He knew I was fond of them after telling him how I lost one many years ago. He thanked me for allowing him to use it on me; I too used it on him and he enjoyed the tip of his dick feeling the soothing sensations of something small but yet so powerful.

We had sex in the morning again. Me lying face down on my stomach and him entering me from behind. His body capturing and tantalising my every need for him. I was wet, dripping and have never felt my body respond like this before. He slipped out of me several times and then I was on my knees feeling him forging into me to then sit back on top of him. I was truly lost in the moment when he rubbed his hand over my clit. I can not begin to describe his touch – The only word I can think is euphoria.

I showered, changed – ready for my real role in the life I know so well. We ended up kissing and cuddling; sitting on top of him I longed to have him inside me again “Your insatiable Lucy”.

While he was in the shower I was ready to go..”Simon, I’m going”. He was surprised by this matter fact way of my departure. I was back into my detached self, no emotions and caring not for kisses. He didn’t let me go without a kiss. I know myself the departure was “cold” but something inside me got frightened by the closeness of the night we had. I usually disappear around 4am when I spend a night with a lover and with Simon even 9.30am seemed far to early to go.

We have spoken and texted since Thursday morning. He was in the area yesterday (Friday) and wanted to know if we could meet up for lunch. I declined; I need to keep myself safe from this strange and wonderful connection I have with him.

We plan to meet Wednesday afternoon as he will be passing through the area again. I am looking forward already to spending 3 hours with this wonderful stranger I have termed Simon. We will not be spending private time together, instead it will be lunch and coffee….this is strange to me….it has always been sex with the others (except Mr A), but with the start of this glorious affair; I feel an emotional connection blossoming and I’m scared.

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Domestic bliss or sex toys…..

10 Aug

I woke this morning to find him (my husband) rubbing my naked back, nipping my ass gently, his lips upon my neck to then grip my arms above my head. I closed my eyes and in one tasteful moment I pretended it to be Simon, on what it would feel like to have him so close. I banished this thought from my head while I gave myself to my husband to have our dogs start barking and the golden moment was broken and we did not return to it. We ate breakfast in the garden like husband and wife, I was slightly confused and frustrated on why couldn’t merely enjoy the moment. Would it have been different with Simon? Would Simon have been able to ignore the whining of dogs and take my body in that blissful moment, forgetting the outside world and being as one?

Our husband and wife and the domestic bliss we live continued, both excitedly booking our holiday for the New Year, sharing a bottle of wine over lunch and then to visit Ann Summers. My wishes to take control over me (about time!). It was only yesterday that I was in a different Ann Summers to be purchasing toys for my night with Simon. I awed in the delight of the shop with my husband beside me this time and I wanted to purchase a ball gag “Lucy, you would never wear that – your not into that and I know you better than anyone. It would be a waste of money”.

I smiled sweetly up to my husband, of course he knows me better – I would wear one at any opportunity and Simon informed me last night he has bought me the ball gag, restraints and has me guessing of the other toys. I guess a stranger knows me better?

And what have I got for Simon. I was sadly disappointed that Ann Summers don’t stock prostate massagers however I will order this for another time. Instead I have chosen a couple toy:

http://www.annsummers.com/p/lelo-tiani-2-deep-rose-vibrator/07scnras1112041

What did I buy with my husband. To avoid the fiasco of this morning I have purchased a stunning vibrator with seven different settings, it will see me through those moments when my dear husband leaves me on the lurch to see to the dogs.

http://www.annsummers.com/p/jiggle-wand-vibrator/07nchdas1201041

We bought elegant restraints with lace…will possibly stay in the box but my vibrator on the other hand will be my favourite toy for now.

Frustrated….

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At war with myself………

6 Aug

The week-end is far behind.

I met Simon for the third time on Sunday. I’m always late and on Sunday it was not different.

We met in a town we both hadn’t visited. He was going to take me on the back of his motorbike. I was to wear black jeans, heels and black t-shirt.

I was excited to see him but yet fearful of going on the back of the motorbike. It has been 10 years since I done so.

My Sunday was perfect. Yes I was scared (at first)…

“What if I fall off and someone has to phone my husband”?
“What if I get injured what do I tell my husband?”
“What if I die, my poor husband will know the terrible secrets I kept”.

All of these worries are with me all the time. I need not go on a motorbike to have them.

We stopped for lunch overlooking a river, both turned on by being in the close proximity of each other. I wanted him there and then, I could feel his hard cock under his leathers. Even for him to rub his hand over my legs while both on the motorbike seems to have engraved itself in my memories.

Wanting someone so much but yet not the place to do anything about it. Building the tension and frustration for what one can only expect to be pleasure at the end.

We parted in the most hottest of moments. A stranger no doubt would have thought those two people were as one, our bodies entangled in that car park and I couldn’t help but rub myself against him. The blissful moment of being so close to someone but yet having to way. Simon wanted me to orgasm there and then in the daylight of the car park, exposed to everyone and the elements of the rain to come. We eventually sat in my car and there before I knew it I was left alone with the 1 hour drive home.

Loads of relaxed drivers on the late Sunday drive home. In no rush, no doubt with their respectful partners or perhaps someone out there…was just like me.

I changed the minute I got home, my husband was due back anytime and he said I looked pretty. I smiled, wanting to hide in bed to not face the lies I would have to tell.

And so it is, Tuesday already. I spoke with Simon yesterday and then this evening…stolen secret moments.

We have yet to have sex but next week we plan to spend our first night together.

I don’t know if this is what I have signed up for in an affair or indeed what I was looking for. I had the most wonderful 10 years with Mr A, it was interlocked with love and sex as one. In all the men with the exceptions of my husband it was based solely on sex but here with Simon I am spending time sexually charged outside of the bedroom..visiting a garden, having coffee, lunch, motorbike and that scares me. The minute I feel any affection or warmth from him, I will run, I won’t explain but instead ignore his e-mails, telephone calls, texts and I will be looking for another.

The pattern I am well accustomed to. To scared to be attached to any individual or object, fearful that I may lose them. In all the times Mr A left his wife, I ran. With my own husband, I am running keeping these affairs to myself.

I am at war with myself.

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Memories….

1 Aug

To set the scene,

it’s warm, my windows are open to the garden, I’m watching a butterfly…white and pure; the innocent one of us both.

The trees are not bare, their leaves glistening in various colours. The roses are in full bloom, the sunflowers are standing tall….

my dog is barking, the other is sleeping…

me…I’m tired of the game I play.

The outside world continues and here I am in memories of yesterdays.

I am running to Mr A, we hadn’t seen each other for 2 months. I moved to a “hotter country”, it was after my first year at university and I was spending the summer there. She, me, the mistress, Lucy is running to him. Her long hair is flowing and she jumps on him and he twirls her around. He kisses every part of her face and neck, here for one week they will belong. Him the dominant one, her the submissive….both escaping from reality.

He’s getting married upon his return. “Lucy, just tell me you don’t want me to get married and I won’t”. I never told him I didn’t want him to get married. I left it open with a kiss on his forehead. I wanted him to tell me he didn’t want to get married.

We made love during that week together, a closeness we both spoke about many years after. He bought me a necklace that I still have, cherished with the other moments but the sweetest rawest gifts are the memories….the memories of training me to be his submissive, the spanking but most of all knowing my mind, soul and spirit.

We danced in tune, an odd couple to some I was in the midst of my youth while he was quite and gently older than me.

When we said good-bye after that week I didn’t cry. I knew in my soul part of me would always be with him wherever or whoever he would be. I was right, during that week we celebrate our one year together…9 glorious years was further added, both growing in a space that we never thought would be.

He returned and he married. I heard through friends it was a “beautiful day”…what did I do, I spent the day fucking my boss.

I didn’t see him until October, wearing his gold band…it was different. I was now officially his mistress. I cried with him that day, this man I loved and always would…would never be mine….

I cried more when he died.

I don’t even know if Simon, Mr M…or even my darling husband will ever be able to awaken the soul that has been chipped away.

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My body aches…….

19 Jul

in all places.

There are no words to describe the place my mind, body, spirit and soul is in. I am lost at sea, the waves have been too rough this week and I can’t find my anchor.

Writing about Mr A on Monday night left me with the devastating replay of longing for him. Replaying in my mind what it felt like to have his kiss…starting with slow pecks on my forehead, around my face…my neck to finally my lips. It was his routine as his fingers tickled my bare stomach. The smell of his body lingering on me even after he had left and prolonging to shower so I could stay in the aftermath of him. This longing hurts…to hold him, run my hands through his hair to then massage his neck. I would want to touch all of him and tell him how much I have missed him…to have my tears kissed away and to fall asleep in his arms.

It is no surprise to me that memories of Mr A has been awakened. During the recent affair with Mr M…I always felt “bad”, not only for my husband (shame, guilt – you name it) but the fact Mr M was my first lover since Mr A died. I had many lovers when Mr A was alive but it changed so much when I knew I could no longer be with him….someone else’s touch hurts, it reminds me too much of Mr A

Wednesday evening
I went to a friends art exhibition. My friend who has a wonderful imagination and was able to hold the exhibition on a roof top with only 3 days of planning – mainly due to the glorious weather. The scenes of the city were very romantic, a piece of art itself.

I was lost in the night, enjoying the wine…company of our friends and feeling my husbands arm round my back…maybe I have my anchor but as soon as I felt the containment of my emotions a song came through the night air (song – who’s crying now)….. my body, mind, soul, spirit was……

transported by memories to approx. 3 months ago….I was no longer at the art exhibition…I was with Mr M. I felt a tightening in my chest, flush rise from my feet, to my inner leg, I felt my body being turned, my teeth biting on my lip. There in those memories, the same ones that knock me off my feet (happens often)….. Mr M was sitting in front of me, I had rubbed his inner leg while we were sipping on our drinks and getting ready to go to the hotel room. I seemed so happy watching us both from afar in this memory, we are holding hands walking from the bar to the hotel….I know what is to come…my body flushes more….

Then as quick as the memories engulfed me I hear my husband “Lucy, are you okay……”. In which I reply “of course, its so hot this evening and I’m just transfixed on this painting”. He laughs making fun on how I can day-dream…..daydreams of yesterdays, the lovers that have touched me…my mind captures them like photos and then tortures me when I least expect it.

And so I email Mr M yesterday, I just have to tell him.

18/7/13 14:58 To Mr M From Lucy

I was at my friends art exhibition last night…so strange, a song came on the background and made me think of you. I actually felt myself flush as if everyone knew my guilty secret…never heard the song before…Who’s crying now.

18th July 16:31 To Lucy From Mr M

My favourite by Journey hun x

18th July 17:21 To Mr M From Lucy

Maybe you told me it was your favourite x

18th July 23:35 To Lucy From Mr M

I don’t think I did tell you it was my favourite. Another one is Fiction Factory – Feels like heaven. Reminds me of you xx

I don’t reply….my body aches….and I find myself crying.