Tag Archives: lonely

The e-mail

23 Aug

The e-mail

While deleting e-mails last night I came across one from Mr M that I hadn’t previously deleted. It was sent in the midst of winter, January to be exact. I can remember the coldness, the closeness we shared but they are merely far away thoughts.

The subject was: What animal would you be?

I remember him phoning me in the midst of returning his e-mail for him to provide the answer to what I would be.

A wild horse.

A wild horse?

I wanted to be a “nice” kitten, an animal to be held, looked after, caressed and cherished. Deep within me this desire must exist on a human level.

Instead, I project this image to the outside world….

* Dressed in pencil skirts & shirts mid-week then the relaxed look at week-end. I will be the one wearing the dress on the Saturday night, holding hands with my husband usually within a group. I’m the friendly one, making everyone laugh – hugging & kissing friends and family on both cheeks as they arrive and leave. Everyone will feel desired and loved, I’m still waiting for that feeling to arrive with me but nobody seems to notice as I’m the…..

* impermeable one to who meets me.

* Fiercely independent, the quality they most admire but if someone took their time, to really uncover this pretence they will see the fears that drive the independence, keeping me “alone” with no real attachment and constantly running from the outside world and the thoughts I have within me.

* The charming female, there is an actress within me. I’m always listening, responding with the right words. I get to know you like no other, telling me fears and dreams, I carry everyone’s secrets well. While the real me is hidden, I carry my secrets upon my back in a heavy sack.

In secret….

* I cry alone, the sadness getting too much. My eyes become swollen and I look like I have hay-fever.

* I daydream of being a princess for a day 😉

* I watch myself in the mirror, disliking the parts of me that many love…my eyes “Lucy, the windows to your soul”. If you saw my soul and the things I do, would you be my friend. “Your smile lights up the room”….it covers my breaking heart….”You have perfect legs”…would you still like them if you saw them wrapped around a strangers body last night?

* I have sex with married men. Entering an affair to escape the reality. I play them like a violin, enticing them to leave them without a good-bye.

* I spend nights with these men but leave during the middle of the night or early morning (5/6am). Unfortunately with Simon I stayed till morning (note to self: don’t do this again).

And to the animal, what would I be….the wild horse. Mr M was right. Unfortunately I’m too scared to be that kitten, to be rejected and left alone.

Until the wild horse meets the kitten within, I continue…it’s another day, the pencil skirt is waiting to mask this body of mine, the smile is ready to come and there I will walk. This body of mine will carry me, fending off the demons in my head…I’m a strong and independent women longing to be the submissive that’s in my head.


Out of date……

29 Jul

Out of date......

In time I will be out of date.

The youth I have on my side will be no desire to the men I admire. They will seek a younger model.

The wives of the married men will be safe from my claws but another women will be waiting.

My body will only crave the desire in gleeful moments for the affairs I have grown used to. Instead the body I own will be encased in my husband’s arms I will long to hug me only.

My time will not allow me to talk to the men that have entered and left, I will look back on the moments with shame and guilt when eventually I have children of my own……looking into their eyes and learning them the values and beliefs I so wish I had. I will be a hypocrite.

In time I will be out of date.

The sexualisation I use within my power will not draw these men to me. I will make space in my heart and soul to say good-bye to their lies, deceitfulness and the addiction they so crave. In turn I will say good-bye to that part of me.

The sense of forgiveness to these men will enable me to understand my own faults and crimes for walking with these accomplices, leading the double life but not enjoying the current moment.

My memories will remind me that I never loved any of them, I missed out on the cherished moments with my husband when my mind space was elsewhere.

Although my journey, my life, my adventure will continue in those lonely moments it will remind me of how all the wives felt when their husband, their beloved man spent cherished time with me. It is then my actions will haunt me.

In time I will be out of date to all the men who have cherished me….
You will not crave me…..
You will not want me……
You will not think me…..
You will not need me…..
You will not care for me……
You will have another submissive

Me, I will be out of date, replaced by a newer model for you to have your affair with.


10 Jul

I travelled to London early yesterday morning. Feeling a confused state, so much easier to go to bed at 5 am than to get up at that time. I recall many nights during my time with Mr M, our affair would have gave me the buzz to greet this early morning rise. When we had our nights I would leave the hotel prior to dawn, ensuring to be home at time before my husband would finish his shift.

Instead here I was, waiting for a train to go to a conference. No good morning email from him to provide my morning smile, no wake call hearing his smooth voice….the only thing that was to greet me yesterday morning was a sense of loneliness and lost. The morning air was warm, wearing a simple sophisticated dress I felt confused to the woman I had become. This time last year I would have simply not dreamt of ever having an affair again, while now, 12 months on, I’m longing to email him.

Sitting on the train, I looked like any other business person however I wondered how many of these businessmen had joined illicit encounters and had a secret like me. I recall when first joining the site the sense of sadness that so many people had something missing in their life…maybe communication with their wife/husband…emotions not being met…lack of sex…all of these or just simple connection. I also spent the first month watching people on the supermarket or walking down the street, wondering if they were the “one”, who shared a secret like me and was using illicit encounters.

And then a stranger sat beside me, like any other time that I’ve been close to a man I looked at his left hand and there with my admiring glance I noted he could be like me..

I was reading, feeling lonely in this train full of people…I now know I’m missing Mr M, more than I ever cared to imagine. The stranger who I will Mr Z introduced himself and in a strange fate he too was heading to the conference and staying at the same hotel. I felt lost within the conversation wondering what Mr M was doing, somewhere in this world he was wakening to the day. Was he showering, did he have sex all night like we did, has he met another lover, was he thinking of me, did he wonder what I was doing…

I also felt frustrated that this Mr Z knew people in my circle, mostly colleagues I previously worked with, continuously he talked while I wanted to take time out on this sweet summer morning, admire the views/read and think of Mr M. To process everything.

London was busy and warm. The conference was what I expected, exciting as always. Providing me loads of ideas that I could apply to the work I do. Mr Z and I shared lunch, This happens a lot at conferences, you either all click as a group or 1/2 click and separate and spend time alone.

Mr Z told me about his work, his family and wife. I listened intently, noting he was attractive and wondering what his wife would think of us having lunch. My phone bleeped, my husband was me and sending his love. The guilt and shame of it all hit me, I flushed with my longing for Mr M.

The conference ended yesterday with Mr Z and I planning to meet up for dinner. I usually spend my evenings with friends whilst in London however this time I wanted to be on my own….and now, it seemed I wanted to be with a stranger. Mr Z and I had dinner at what I call a “secret garden”, sitting outside in the sun and drinking wine felt like being at home. I always feel like this in the big city of London, home to me is being “lost” no one knowing you, those around you caring who or what you are. Being lost provides me the true sense of freedom, here I was with a stranger and experiencing all of that. Reminding me more of Mr M, Mr M provided a freedom that was exhilarating and kept me on a constant high.

Mr Z and I went dancing, the night was still young. I wondered if such conferences allowed him the true sense of freedom also but I daren’t ask. We had fun…and I recall us walking hand in hand back to the hotel. It was more of a friendship, a silent thank you for the night we had. We parted awkwardly, for me anyway as I didn’t want anything else from him..when the lift doors closed I felt a sense of relief he didn’t offer a drink in his room. Mr Z seemed like the perfect gentleman.

Today, like tomorrow I am still in London. We have already ate but Mr Z has invited me to go dancing again. Here I am in a hotel room typing as quickly as I can to process everything and reflect…..

am I doing the right thing to go dancing with this Mr Z, could he be the cure I need to get over Mr M?

Mr Z told me a sad scenario over dinner about his childhood, a game I guess for me to enter with the sweet empathy, I touched his leg which sent a shiver down my spine. Not because of him but memories of when I did the same to Mr M came alive. Mr M would give me a look and say oh don’t do that, signalling I was turning him on, we would leave quickly from where ever we would be to be alone. Did I want Mr Z turned on?

Am I only going dancing due to knowing he is married?

Is he taking me dancing as somewhere unknown to me I give a signal to married men that I am wanting an affair? I don’t think this is the case as everyone and I mean everyone sees me as a sweet innocent female although independent loves and cherishes her husband.

And with my dress on, my hair done…waxing and nails to perfection ..just like the way I would be when meeting Mr M…this time without the anticipation of the sex I will be meeting Mr Z in the lobby….

My night begins….I feel lost without Mr M