Tag Archives: shame
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One step forward….two steps back…

3 Sep

but with greater awareness.

The more that we hide behind the stark reality of who we are the more these aspects are buried but at some stage they will arise and with greater intensity.

All these aspects require a defence to ease the anxiety. For me, I have a few defences – smoking, affairs and being a submissive. All an addiction and did I mention sex, the sweet joyful sex – erotic enough to have you savour the moment for all your tomorrows.

Although these defences served me purpose in the past they have become unhealthy.

Wipe away my cool exterior, the make-up, the perfect outfit and here I sit vulnerable. The shame comes in sweeps, not a tame current but a tidal wave drowning my existence.

That same shame hit me last night in the throws of spending another evening with Simon. We stayed in an apartment – hotel, it was perfect. We chatted intensely over dinner, if you are to ask me what we chatted about – I can’t recall but there wasn’t any silences. Three bottles of wine later we were soaking in a bath, lit only by candles (to melt on my body) and everything felt so right. My defence was letting me forget “me” and all that comes with being me, there I was being admired by this man…

We had sex in the bath to then continue in the bedroom. It was purest to the sense I have ever known for vanilla sex but that didn’t last long…he spanked me, whipped me with a crop, a paddle….

And there we had sex again…maybe several times and though it fulfilled me in every manner I still wanted more…something in me wasn’t satisfied. The sex was my defence last night….

To the outside world a perfect evening…the windows were ajar and in the heat of the moment I heard passer-by’s and was strangely aroused by this concept of someone hearing us..this seemed to turn me on more and I thought of others watching us….

But there in the middle of the night, my body sprawled naked around Simon the real me “Lucy” and all her anxieties hit. And I cried…I cried with guilt and shame of what I was doing to my husband. I saw a vivid image of my husband in my thoughts, being at home alone and finally realised he is worth much more than what I have to give.

I don’t know how Simon felt about my upset. We both didn’t sign up to an affair that would have his married lover crying with guilt about her husband. I don’t know how men usually respond to this as I have never experienced this upset with any of them before.

Simon held me, cuddled and gave me tissues. Within a few minutes I had composed myself and back to kindered spirit that Simon thinks of me. On reflection I wondered if I felt safe to open up to him….I don’t know.

As for today, the drive to work was awful. Even the radio couldn’t drown out my actions or the thoughts I had. I wanted to cry but the “ice-queen” in me had returned, the emotions were buried and was to be dealt with another time.

To think that once upon a time I was thrilled with the concept of being the other women, disregarding the wife as if I owed her nothing, to not think of her life or the life of others, treating them all like puppets so I can ease my anxiety and here I am now….wanting to erase it all and not having a clue how or what I should do.

It is a lonely place to carry this secret alone and have others to think of you as “special” when you see your reflection it was only one of disgust.

Then again…I will arise from this place and carry on like I have done before but this time I can see through the clouds and know the path I am wishing to take.

I just hope I don’t continue this affair with Simon and somewhere in him or me we finish it before I spiral into depths that I can’t return from.

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Reflection…..of my actions…

8 Jul

The purity of the white dress

in the reflection of the mirror

The day I marry thee and remain like this to death does us part

I wear the encrusted circle band with pride

Vowing to never love another

Yet here I am today

this present moment on, 

reflecting on the naivety of it all

Your innocent bride, I, did fall

The wife you adore, cherish above all others

Has dwindled our love to the ground

I have not loved another before

with the exceptions of the fatal nights

I did not care for you then my husband

but I came to you all the same

The sweat upon my brow

the tingles between my thighs

I’m sorry I have forsaken you

but this is the life I know

The secret of my calling

is to bring pleasure to another man

He too is married, with a wife he tells me

Our nights are spent upon a world

that we keep from both of you

When we make love it is purely for the sex

and home I come to you for the sweetest love

The guilt and shame do wreck me but I know

of no other road

To keep our marriage scared I do keep this secret safe

For when you touch and love me, it is you I do belong

The others can wait while you need me

And for now, here I am, my husband

Your innocent wife

When the timekeeper says it up, it is with you I do lay

These other men do not touch you they are my 

drug for yesterdays

The chiming clock reminds me….

Our anniversary is near

Guilt…is there such a thing with affairs?!

5 Jul

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I am sure my view won’t be shared by all but here goes….

My motto to life is….”it’s one big party”.

The curiosity of my mind, body, soul and spirit was to always be on the search of the next adventure partner.

My life is complete seems complete to others. I have good friends, peers and a job. A husband who loves me, cherishes me and lightens my smile with his quirky and eccentric outlook on life. 

For me, it never seemed complete without the thrill of an affair. My first and only experience of being a mistress was from the age of 16-26. During this time that relationship with Mr A continued on when I was to be engaged and eventually married. In Mr A I had the found the world, an adventure partner and I felt totally complete living the double I had. Unfortunately due to circumstances outside of my control it ended….he was driving to see me and had a fatal car crash. For the 3 years after Mr A death I was faithful to my beloved husband. 

Was I though? Part of my mind was preoccupied with grieving for Mr A and how the future would have been. I couldn’t do it alone. I attended therapy, the death of him reminded that part of me died. The part that longed for the adventure and for many years I detached from life and survived only so my partner would never know the awful secret I was hiding. 

I had so much guilt for Mr A deaths, I felt guilt for him driving to see me, blamed myself for his death, his children growing up without their father, his wife grieving for a man…I had guilt I was unable to attend the funeral, guilt for taking his life away. All the guilt that I maybe should have felt prior to his death, during our love affair….only was felt afterwards.

With guilt…comes shame. I had this overwhelming sense of shame, carrying this secret affair with Mr A on my own. If he was still alive I would have chatted to him about it but then in his I never experienced shame…only laughter, fun, emotions so wild and yet to be named by the world. I suffered depression, my darkest days…everything reminded me of him. 

Then one morning…last September. The sun was shining in my bedroom and it was for me to live my life again. It might seem simple but it took me 2 1/2 years to feel a buzz again. It was a simple buzz. I wasn’t letting go of Mr A but my world had started to grow around the grief. The grief / loss of him would always be there but I could grow as a person from this.

During my time in therapy for the grief of Mr A I realised I used sex with him, as a defence to keep people away, I would never be close to a married married, he was emotionally, physically unavailable…but then how did I marry husband. So different from the married roles Mr A and Mr M. My husband, the beautiful man with the melting chocolate eyes was a solid figure, someone who would be an anchor when the storm got to tough, the wind when I needed to move, the sunshine when I got too cold …..

I have only answer to the reason why I married, I was in an affair. I would simply not be giving myself 100% to him. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, for three years since Mr A death I was faithful…although thoughts preoccupied me else where. I set myself a challenge, one last affair to make me forget about Mr A and take this adventure journey on my own with my husband by my side…no invaders…just us. 

My second affair with Mr M was much different from what I was hoping for……we didn’t the view world as the same…we only shared one thing in common …..the view that sex was great. 

The sex was damn wonderful but was this my last fling adventure……

Maybe we got bored…I don’t know but the adventure seemed like a bad rollercoaster over the last 2 months….

 Statistics suggest they can last from anything between 6 months – 2 years. Sometimes suspicions from the married partners, sometimes the married ones not being able to continue with their double lives or the affair slowly pattering to an end.

With Mr M, the sex was afresh with new ideas, isn’t it always the case though?. The same excitement as with my husband but possibly a bit above…after all we had the secrecy that added fuel to the fire.

With an affair……..it is exciting as….

Sex with a new partner you know you “shouldn’t” be with…..

Sex exploring a new persons body…

Sex with the thrill of what its like, you can simply walk away

Is sex as simple as that in an affair? The guilt is there somewhere, sometimes buried or detached. The initial reward of the sex soon diminishes when you see your husband/wife…..their smile, their worry for you returning home late, their embrace….the guilt may diminish when you argue with your husband/wife but it has to be there somewhere.

What is guilt?

The punishment of oneself prior to someone else doing it…a rumination of thoughts, criticism you give to yourself. I think guilt is most times connected to shame also.

Statistics say men can detach sex from love and feel less guilt than women, I believe they can but woman can do it also.

I didn’t love Mr M, there was no emotions but yet I had the most amazing sex. Both separate from each other, beautifully filed into separate parts of my brain…easing me of the guilt. I’m making excuses for myself…”I’m doing no harm as nobody will find out”. A form of guilt pleasing. 

Then I love my husband…the sex is great, its been over 10 years now, the spark weakens a little but the spark is still there.

As for Mr M, according to him and possibly many other men, the sex life / communication wasn’t there. Maybe if he read this he could comment and correct me if I am wrong. I recall a conversation when he said ” I could phone her (wife) and tell her I had sex with a ….female and she probably wouldn’t listen and continue with what she was doing”.

He is also 15 years older than me and said once “it can be sad, sometimes you have nothing in common with your partner after so many years of marriage”…..I don’t know if he was talking about himself or someone else.

Mr M had children, I am sure beautiful. His wife adored him on all accounts, who am I to judge. The basic form of communication or emotional connection seemed missing. I did wonder many times if she rejected him in his advances of sex…Should I care? No…but my curious mind wonders.

Can one ever be faithful after an affair?

I think they can. If they really love their respective partner………

Do I love mine? (husband)…..I feel no guilt and only had 3 years of being faithful. If I done it once surely I can do it again.

To the addictions of affairs….I am sorry to all those who have been on the receiving end of an affair