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Porn experience 2013

25 Aug

The men that have walked by my side in 2013, okay okay I go for few “walks” with them but I stand, bend, lye, crawl – you name the position and I have done it in their presence……. have all admitted to watching porn.

I love porn, it can be tantalising to watch it fully clothed with an amazing lover to end up naked while acting the scenes….. Most importantly the scenes you both enjoy!

It’s all about balance, right?

What about the man who gets so engrossed with watching porn and his own wank that he can’t or finds it difficult to ejaculate with a female touching him? (Yes there are sexual difficulties that men experience without the use of porn but this post isn’t about this).

Unforgiving to me I had this experience with Mr M – in fact it was more delayed ejaculation but yet he couldn’t reach the point of no return unless he held his cock, rubbing it furiously to get the desired effect and squirting every drop upon my face. He consistently watched porn and you bet it – this was the scene he liked most to watch. I questioned many times the possibility that Mr M might have taken viagra, prolonging his hardness but I doubt it. In regards to his wanking, he got so used to his own touch and “cumming” this way he could do it no other way. His wife hadn’t touched him in years….who’s fault was it? If he was my long term partner I would have worked with him on this issue but he wasn’t, it was for the sex and the selfish goddess in me cries “I want the best”.

Then to the man, Simon who sends me links of BDSM at it’s wildest. In one scenario a female is tied up (nice and pleasant) but the man takes is holding an object that resembles a “drill” to rub over her clit. A vibrator in disguise. You are not using that on me Simon. He replied, but she really enjoyed. A. That female is not me! B. She gets paid to have wierd tools rubbed over clit! C. Shes an actress!

Then to anal. We are all different, I drink my coffee without milk and have 3 sugars (yes my teeth are pearly white and in good shape) maybe you drink yours with milk…semi, full cream (the milk?) you get my point – we are all different! Do I like anal, perhaps if a man was try to do it gently instead of prodding me full force and for me to cry out “no” – of course he won’t stop, what’s the safe word again….yes …orange, orange bloody orange. Only one man has entered me anally and for me to enjoy it – halleluia to Mr A; it was ecstasy..pure pleasure. Unlike porn, he lubed me (unfortunately they forgot this from the scene), wore a condom (yes – porn doesn’t seem to highlight the necessity of protection from diseases) and provided a rhythm that was indeed soothing and not ouch.

Do I want a threesome like the porn? No. Yes, I get it the female you watched in the porn really enjoyed the 3 cocks that filled her, she was insatiable. One man is good enough for me, just use your cock right. You want a female to join us? Been there, done it and currently wearing her picture on my t-shirt (joke!). I know you want to watch me with her but why don’t we have that cute male waiter join us and take you up the ass? I will gladly return the favour with a female then!

Feet fetish. Unbeknown to me at a work conference when the smiling stranger asked the group what their favourite body part was and my innocent reply “oh it has to be my feet” was “feeding” (he was dreaming of licking, sucking, worshipping my feet) his fetish. He signalled me out from that moment onwards and before I knew it he was revelling in the knowledge I love to have my feet massaged. Telling me how he watches porn every morning to wank about the female getting her boots and feet licked …Would you like this Lucy, have me as your submissive worshipping your feet? I never tried it before, why not and there I was before him; it felt damn good to be in the place of a dominant. Sadly, he “came” within seconds of seeing me in my underwear and stilettos. The next morning true to his he was wanking watching porn, I didn’t orgasam in his company – he thought my toe was my clit! Again the goddess within me sings “and what about me”.

I watch porn (within balance) the visual aspect is good but I wish my vagina and ass to remain intact.

I guess these married men want a whole opppps whore to fulfill their needs that the innocent wife might not be complying to.

Why am I not talking of single men? Most of the information could relate to a single man or a man you might know (not all men are the same – I have had some fantastic amazing lovers) but this is my experience of the married men that have entered (me) my world in 2013.

To the porn queen that’s within me…please go to hell.

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Affair partners…..

24 Aug

Affair partners.....

<p>”The big difference between buying a house and choosing a partner is, faulty houses make good renovation projections and faulty people don’t”. Steve Fowler

I don’t see people as faulty however I am mindful that no one is perfection.

With each man that has entered my life recently there seems to be this “history” that turns me off. I don’t know if I am merely uncovering stones in the hope of finding anything that will make me stay unattached to them. My dear husband regardless of his flaws doesn’t seem to have this “history” but maybe he was smart enough not to tell me.

Simon – he has enjoyed group sex, no no no – let me rephrase that. According to him he watched group sex but it was “wife swap” with another couple. When he first met his wife he took her along to meet another couple – she had sex with the man, he with the other women. Did you feel any jealousy Simon? No, I hardly knew her. Phew this man can be so emotionally detached at times, or is it me? Am I a prude? Prior to this, he spent a night with the same couple and it was sex all night. Did I really need to know that his manhood could perform like this? Or that they took a break half way to eat ham sandwiches? Ouch, ham sandwiches make me sick. And what really angers….he wants sex unprotected with me ..”If I had anything it would have shown by now”. (Simon, has never been tested but continues to think it would “show” somehow). What world is this man living in? Prior to him being married but in a relationship and asked “Are you married?” he would say no but not mention the relationship – “I was truthful really”. This sends alarm bells in my head for the mere fact that I could be asking a question and thinking I am being told the truth.

Mr Executive – I just can’t bring myself to talk about him as for once I’m feeling sorry for the wife. They required IVF to conceive and have a beautiful charming five year old daughter. The last child who is only 9 months was the most difficult, IVF failed several times causing stress for both he and his wife. What does he do? He has an affair (not with me). I didn’t realise until recently during deep conversations that his youngest was only 9 months. This just blew me off my feet. My open mind couldn’t accept that this man, who tried so hard to have a child with his wife could just go out and have an affair. I have never kissed or slept with Mr Executive nor am I planning to do so. Does this make me a good person? 😉

The honesty of these men is appealing but at the same time the information leaves me feeling angry.

I’m started to wonder what kind of aura I have to attract and let men like this into my life. If I was choosing a life partner they wouldn’t have made it passed the first drink. Should I really care about their life history as they never will be my life partner?

Then I am angry at “me”…I am like these men. I lie, I cheat, I leave my husband at the most vulnerable times. My anger for me is merely being projected at them, seeing the aspects I don’t like within me….disowning them and utilising my anger..full force at them.

Do I trust any of them? No. Do I want to trust them? No.

Then onto Mr M. He wanted to meet Tuesday of this week but I declined with an excuse of being busy. (I was busy planning to meet Simon, you see I tell the truth but not the full truth – I LIE). I didn’t correspond with him since to receive the following e-mail yesterday:

Lucy

Hope you are okay

I woke up this morning with a stronger desire than normal to fuck you very hard….

and….cum very hard in your mouth 😉

I am wondering if I could get to see you Monday 2nd or Tuesday 3rd September?

Have a good bank holiday

Mr M xxx

Another one…I asked him if he was back to that “site” where we had first met and he said no. But he was, looking and cheating on me. I have no right to be angry though as we never forged an “exclusivity” but he said many times without me asking “There is only you and my wife”. Only me and his wife? This makes me laugh, is there such a thing as an “exclusive” affair? Possibly not, for those who have experienced it or thought you did – good luck to you.

Why am I using my energy on these men? Over analysing their every word and hearing about their past.

I am at the stage that I think affairs are biting me and I wish to leave them far away…in never never land. To go on a journey to find me, forget about these men and find the containment within.

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The e-mail

23 Aug

The e-mail

While deleting e-mails last night I came across one from Mr M that I hadn’t previously deleted. It was sent in the midst of winter, January to be exact. I can remember the coldness, the closeness we shared but they are merely far away thoughts.

The subject was: What animal would you be?

I remember him phoning me in the midst of returning his e-mail for him to provide the answer to what I would be.

A wild horse.

A wild horse?

I wanted to be a “nice” kitten, an animal to be held, looked after, caressed and cherished. Deep within me this desire must exist on a human level.

Instead, I project this image to the outside world….

* Dressed in pencil skirts & shirts mid-week then the relaxed look at week-end. I will be the one wearing the dress on the Saturday night, holding hands with my husband usually within a group. I’m the friendly one, making everyone laugh – hugging & kissing friends and family on both cheeks as they arrive and leave. Everyone will feel desired and loved, I’m still waiting for that feeling to arrive with me but nobody seems to notice as I’m the…..

* impermeable one to who meets me.

* Fiercely independent, the quality they most admire but if someone took their time, to really uncover this pretence they will see the fears that drive the independence, keeping me “alone” with no real attachment and constantly running from the outside world and the thoughts I have within me.

* The charming female, there is an actress within me. I’m always listening, responding with the right words. I get to know you like no other, telling me fears and dreams, I carry everyone’s secrets well. While the real me is hidden, I carry my secrets upon my back in a heavy sack.

In secret….

* I cry alone, the sadness getting too much. My eyes become swollen and I look like I have hay-fever.

* I daydream of being a princess for a day 😉

* I watch myself in the mirror, disliking the parts of me that many love…my eyes “Lucy, the windows to your soul”. If you saw my soul and the things I do, would you be my friend. “Your smile lights up the room”….it covers my breaking heart….”You have perfect legs”…would you still like them if you saw them wrapped around a strangers body last night?

* I have sex with married men. Entering an affair to escape the reality. I play them like a violin, enticing them to leave them without a good-bye.

* I spend nights with these men but leave during the middle of the night or early morning (5/6am). Unfortunately with Simon I stayed till morning (note to self: don’t do this again).

And to the animal, what would I be….the wild horse. Mr M was right. Unfortunately I’m too scared to be that kitten, to be rejected and left alone.

Until the wild horse meets the kitten within, I continue…it’s another day, the pencil skirt is waiting to mask this body of mine, the smile is ready to come and there I will walk. This body of mine will carry me, fending off the demons in my head…I’m a strong and independent women longing to be the submissive that’s in my head.

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The Lovers – Nocturnal Activity

17 Aug

The Lovers - Nocturnal Activity

After seeing Simon for three times and not involving anything sexual (very strange for me) we had our first night together.

I wish I could say it was fireworks but the relationship between Simon and I is somewhat different from the affairs I had before.

The hotel he booked was a castle in the countryside. It was charming and intriguing as he. On entering “our bedroom” for the night and on seeing the four poster bed I wanted him to tie me up there and then; taking me from behind.

“I have trouble reading you Lucy, what do you really want from tonight?”. I hide my emotions and thoughts well; I was wet and he hadn’t even touched me.

Feeling his dick rub against me; we kissed with his fingers putting pressure on my neck. I found myself flowing to another world; the world where I would forget everything and everyone, belonging only to the one who was dominating me.

We stopped as soon as it began, both hungry for sex but requiring dinner.

Dinner was fun, relaxed and he could have sat there without talking as the connection I feel when I am with him is more than words alone. I truly desire this man, in whatever form he presents to me. Enjoying a drink outside I felt I wasn’t in England, this man provides me an “escape” from the reality of the stresses and the responsible life I lead.

He had bought sex toys and plenty of them. Never being dominant before or using sex toys he seemed excited by the thought. His interest compelled him to do much research and some of his ideas are even knew to me. Yes, it would be easier to have someone with experience of dominance but underneath Simons cool exterior I think it has always been there; remaining hidden but slowly coming to the surface.

The night was “vanilla sex”. On any first time with a dominant I need to know if there is a “true connection” if there was to be any form of dominance I merely think there is a connection.

Simon was different from any of my previous lovers. He was attentive, naturally strong in his personality and his touch spiralled me into a submissive role without any constraints, whips, spanking or gags. I find myself going a little crazy reflecting on this, especially me the person who remains disconnected with the men I have affairs with but I felt more of a connection with Simon than I have ever done. It was like he was the lost part of me, I feel whole when he is near.

I don’t normally lye in a lovers arms after sex but there we lay in the four poster bed, sweat dripping from us both and his touch didn’t feel strange; it mesmerised me. I couldn’t help but cuddle him, touch every part of him and feel as close. Even when we eventually slept, I awoke him cuddling me from behind; holding me and I did not have the urge or need to push him away.

We had sex numerous times that night and with every orgasm prior and during sex, the insistent longing for him kept burning. To “cum” together seemed so powerful and raw. To have him tell me to “cum” and demand me to do so – although a form of dominance seemed so right.

The only sex toy we used was a magic bullet. He knew I was fond of them after telling him how I lost one many years ago. He thanked me for allowing him to use it on me; I too used it on him and he enjoyed the tip of his dick feeling the soothing sensations of something small but yet so powerful.

We had sex in the morning again. Me lying face down on my stomach and him entering me from behind. His body capturing and tantalising my every need for him. I was wet, dripping and have never felt my body respond like this before. He slipped out of me several times and then I was on my knees feeling him forging into me to then sit back on top of him. I was truly lost in the moment when he rubbed his hand over my clit. I can not begin to describe his touch – The only word I can think is euphoria.

I showered, changed – ready for my real role in the life I know so well. We ended up kissing and cuddling; sitting on top of him I longed to have him inside me again “Your insatiable Lucy”.

While he was in the shower I was ready to go..”Simon, I’m going”. He was surprised by this matter fact way of my departure. I was back into my detached self, no emotions and caring not for kisses. He didn’t let me go without a kiss. I know myself the departure was “cold” but something inside me got frightened by the closeness of the night we had. I usually disappear around 4am when I spend a night with a lover and with Simon even 9.30am seemed far to early to go.

We have spoken and texted since Thursday morning. He was in the area yesterday (Friday) and wanted to know if we could meet up for lunch. I declined; I need to keep myself safe from this strange and wonderful connection I have with him.

We plan to meet Wednesday afternoon as he will be passing through the area again. I am looking forward already to spending 3 hours with this wonderful stranger I have termed Simon. We will not be spending private time together, instead it will be lunch and coffee….this is strange to me….it has always been sex with the others (except Mr A), but with the start of this glorious affair; I feel an emotional connection blossoming and I’m scared.

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Dancing with the wolves…

13 Aug

Dancing with the wolves...

Regardless of what position we play within the affair, the cheater, the mistress or the betrayed spouse we all dance with the wolves; changing our positions.

Karpman’s Relationship Triangle is an excellent demonstration on how a couple may dance when they meet (not always the case though), taking on a role from the following, possibly changing over time:

Persecutor
Victim
Rescuer

Then a third party is invited to the triangle in the form of an affair. The betrayed had no choice in the dance not inviting the other to join the unified sanction of the marriage. Only when the affair is found out the betrayed may take the unwilling victim role who is persecuted by her/his partner. The betrayed will change step slowly and may want to rescue the marriage from the unknown angst of this horrid affair. The role will change and in time they will position themselves as the persecutor in turn feeling wrongly done in turn gets angry and resentful for being made to dance with the wolves.

The cheater…he/she possibly persecutes the partner for not loving enough, lack of intimacy, communication problems, children coming first, not enough sex; the list is endless or possibly any explanation to enable them to rationalise their wayward behaviour. The cheater is now the victim in the dance and the affair partner is the rescuer from this “horrid lifestyle” but becoming the victim when the excitement of the affair is ended. The cheater will no doubt want to rescue his/her marriage, save their married partner in any way they can.

Dancing with the wolves isn’t fun but it can be one explanation of the dynamics we go through when experiencing an affair; regardless of what dynamic we are in.

Some of us are born rescuers, maybe this is how you have related to your partner from the moment you met. The victim role plays a cruel hand when we are dealt with health conditions or events outside of our control – an affair being one of them. Persecutor; the part we may not like – within us all.

I am the wolf dancing, you can catch me smiling thinking I have it all under control. I watch the dance before me, sometimes at the edge. I listen to the married men before me and more times enough I feel like rescuing their wives and not them. A horrid thing to say but the truth.

Mr M who had two children has never cooked a meal for his wife or cleaned. He played the victim role as she wasn’t interested in sex and the children came first. I tried to rescue the situation for him, explaining she might be tired keeping a house going all the time and looking after the children, the last thing she may want is sex. I gave him a recipe on how to cook an easy meal, to give her a break – he looked at me like I had horns in my head but never did bother.

I have little respect for the married men I have affairs with (except Mr A); they possibly feel the same way for me too. They become emotionally entwined in my life, seemingly wanting a care free affair and then their neediness begin. They want more time from me, more talking then they start to say I like you moving onto I love you, to then ask me …do you ever wonder what if. No, I have never wondered what if. Why would I want to be with a man who cheats, even more disturbing why would a man want to love his beloved wife, the honest one of us all for a female who is clearly a cheater. They are possibly looking for the rescuer in me but I am not here to rescue anyone; only selfish enough to rescue myself.

I leave the dance at this stage, looking for the next wolf. Wherever he may be and my dance with the wolves continue.

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Domestic bliss or sex toys…..

10 Aug

I woke this morning to find him (my husband) rubbing my naked back, nipping my ass gently, his lips upon my neck to then grip my arms above my head. I closed my eyes and in one tasteful moment I pretended it to be Simon, on what it would feel like to have him so close. I banished this thought from my head while I gave myself to my husband to have our dogs start barking and the golden moment was broken and we did not return to it. We ate breakfast in the garden like husband and wife, I was slightly confused and frustrated on why couldn’t merely enjoy the moment. Would it have been different with Simon? Would Simon have been able to ignore the whining of dogs and take my body in that blissful moment, forgetting the outside world and being as one?

Our husband and wife and the domestic bliss we live continued, both excitedly booking our holiday for the New Year, sharing a bottle of wine over lunch and then to visit Ann Summers. My wishes to take control over me (about time!). It was only yesterday that I was in a different Ann Summers to be purchasing toys for my night with Simon. I awed in the delight of the shop with my husband beside me this time and I wanted to purchase a ball gag “Lucy, you would never wear that – your not into that and I know you better than anyone. It would be a waste of money”.

I smiled sweetly up to my husband, of course he knows me better – I would wear one at any opportunity and Simon informed me last night he has bought me the ball gag, restraints and has me guessing of the other toys. I guess a stranger knows me better?

And what have I got for Simon. I was sadly disappointed that Ann Summers don’t stock prostate massagers however I will order this for another time. Instead I have chosen a couple toy:

http://www.annsummers.com/p/lelo-tiani-2-deep-rose-vibrator/07scnras1112041

What did I buy with my husband. To avoid the fiasco of this morning I have purchased a stunning vibrator with seven different settings, it will see me through those moments when my dear husband leaves me on the lurch to see to the dogs.

http://www.annsummers.com/p/jiggle-wand-vibrator/07nchdas1201041

We bought elegant restraints with lace…will possibly stay in the box but my vibrator on the other hand will be my favourite toy for now.

Frustrated….

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Whip Me……..

2 Aug

Whip Me........

I picture

Wine

Crisp white sheets

Elegant bedroom

Full length mirror

Brazen corset and heels

Lunchtime

Me facing the mirror

Him stood behind me

Sun streaming in

The bite of my earlobe, gently

Teeth grazing my shoulders

A fist wrapped in my hair

Hair pulled back

So he can run his tongue the full length of my throat

and taste me

Pausing

to bite my lips

and to look into my eyes

Before holding my wrists behind my back

and drawing me every so close against him

Thick, unrelenting…filling

The possibilities are endless

“Sir, please whip me”.