Wildest Moments……..

7 Sep

Sometimes I wonder if the calmness I feel is the calmness of the storm ahead or is it the aftermath of the storm I’ve been through?
I can’t decide….
Phew, it’s been a busy week with work. It has been welcomed as it leaves my personal life to one side. Then again, my personality is that of an addict, I swap from one addiction to another and I guess this week I have returned to the work addict. Like all my addictions, my busy week at work enabled me to experience the freedom from my thoughts, my actions…the feelings.
My boundaries, although still in practice have not worked to my advantage. With clear strength on Tuesday to avoid interactions with Simon it didn’t last long, one day to be exact. I lasted Tuesday afternoon, evening and finally caved in on Wednesday.
I ended the relationship via text, which only triggered anger in Simon. Apparently he is much more insecure in this affair than I. That’s the thing, the dynamics of what we have in our marriage comes to light at some stage within the affair. And like with my husband, I reassured Simon via an email.

To: Simon From: Lucy Date: 6th September 2013
Subject: Things I like about you.

To Simon, hopefully the below information will reassure you a little xx

1. The way you are simply you, saying it how it is and not simply agreeing with me for the sake of it (best quality).
2. It is all or nothing, black or white with you, funny or angry and just like your tattoos they are opposite also
3. Your accent – sexy
4. You have so much charisma
5. That we can speak about a wide range of subjects
6. How I can be just “me” in your company and for that little while I spend with you I forget the stress and feel so content. The most wonderful feeling
7. The way you rub my leg….mmmmm
8. The way you say hmmm hmmm
9. Your good morning texts make me smile
10. Seeing a message and finding its from you
11. The way your not afraid to try new things
12. For enabling me to trust you as I can simply enter sub space by having you near
13. For you not realising how much I adore you
14. Being attentive in every way, especially sexually
15. The sex with you is amazing, just one thought of you turns me on
16. You can simply show your insecurities and not care
17. Your patience – gosh you need it with me
18. That you can push my boundaries e.g. i would never had let anyone touch me like you did at that garden we visited
19. You make me feel safe in a strange sort of way
20. You don’t know how attractive you are
21. So calming when I cried, you didn’t try to fix the situation – you were there
22. Your cock, I wish to worship it 😉
23. Sometimes you ask me what that look is for / think I’m not pleased to be with / think I’m cold but you don’t realise that most times I’m just in awe to be in your company
24. That you spend time with me

His reply


God I love you xxxxxx

Not in a threatening way to your marriage (I would never do that to you)

I miss you terribly when we are not together or we don’t speak or text for even a few hours

I continually have to pinch myself when you are with me as you are so beautiful, confident and drop dead gorgeous I ask myself what you could possibly see in me.

You make me smile just by thinking of you and I love your sense of humour and wicked imagination.

You do have one of the best poker faces I have ever seen and I’d hate to play against you – I’d be broke in no time lol 😉

I am always hard whenever I think of you or being with you or just listen to you.

You were amazing the other night when you deep throated me all the way down and I loved you for trying and wanting to do it to please me. Ass fucking next 😉 lol

You are insatiable and I love that when we do get time together we do genuinely fuck all night long.

I especially like looking at you when you are laying on the bed beside me and can only admire your pure and unpretentious beauty.

I especially like having you close in bed with your head on my chest and cuddling up to you when we finish making love.

You are so special to me and whilst I know we disagree on the whole soul mate thing in my mind you are most definitely mine.

You are my equal in every way and I respect you more than you know.

I know you often describe us as strangers but you know more about me than probably any other person on the planet. Believe it or not I very rarely tell anyone anything about the inner me – so believe me when I tell you “You are good” lol

I also love the way I feel inside you and the fact that I am big enough to please you and fill you deep.

I love trying new things and I know you sometime think me strange but I really enjoy giving you pleasure and never having used toys before this is opening up a whole new world to me and will give me many more ways to do so.

Thank you also for remembering me mention I had never fucked a woman in the Reverse Cowgirl Position and for jumping on and doing that for me.

I genuinely love everything about you and especially that fiery **** (reveals personal information) nature of yours because I can relate strongly to that passionate and intense side to you.

As our relationship grows we will become more in tune with one another of that I am sure and I will start to know what you are thinking and the mood you are in. The upside of our occasional fiery episode will be the fiery and passionate making up we get to do.

Thanks to you life is for living again and I look forward immensely to every text, chat and time we get together babe.

You complete me xxxxxxxxxxx

His words are much better than words than I. I am sceptical of his sweet sugar coated words, he is married, a cheat like I – how can his words be true? Then again, even if he was single I would still doubt anyone’s ability to see me in the way they do. Only I and you my dear reader know the true hidden extent of me and the life I lead. Even I forget at times that people read my words, only being reminded by the comments I receive. I panic that a reader knows about my life, the true extent of my fucked up behaviour. I then panic that Simon or anybody I know will find this blog and know everything about me.

Upon reading Simons reply I had tears in my eyes. I don’t know if it is the way he sees me, or the fact he is still a puppet? Or if deep down I get this sense of belonging with him, is this what it is like to be in love? Of course not, it is an affair ….it is a fantasy but what if…

What if…….these wildest moments are perfection


One step forward….two steps back…

3 Sep

but with greater awareness.

The more that we hide behind the stark reality of who we are the more these aspects are buried but at some stage they will arise and with greater intensity.

All these aspects require a defence to ease the anxiety. For me, I have a few defences – smoking, affairs and being a submissive. All an addiction and did I mention sex, the sweet joyful sex – erotic enough to have you savour the moment for all your tomorrows.

Although these defences served me purpose in the past they have become unhealthy.

Wipe away my cool exterior, the make-up, the perfect outfit and here I sit vulnerable. The shame comes in sweeps, not a tame current but a tidal wave drowning my existence.

That same shame hit me last night in the throws of spending another evening with Simon. We stayed in an apartment – hotel, it was perfect. We chatted intensely over dinner, if you are to ask me what we chatted about – I can’t recall but there wasn’t any silences. Three bottles of wine later we were soaking in a bath, lit only by candles (to melt on my body) and everything felt so right. My defence was letting me forget “me” and all that comes with being me, there I was being admired by this man…

We had sex in the bath to then continue in the bedroom. It was purest to the sense I have ever known for vanilla sex but that didn’t last long…he spanked me, whipped me with a crop, a paddle….

And there we had sex again…maybe several times and though it fulfilled me in every manner I still wanted more…something in me wasn’t satisfied. The sex was my defence last night….

To the outside world a perfect evening…the windows were ajar and in the heat of the moment I heard passer-by’s and was strangely aroused by this concept of someone hearing us..this seemed to turn me on more and I thought of others watching us….

But there in the middle of the night, my body sprawled naked around Simon the real me “Lucy” and all her anxieties hit. And I cried…I cried with guilt and shame of what I was doing to my husband. I saw a vivid image of my husband in my thoughts, being at home alone and finally realised he is worth much more than what I have to give.

I don’t know how Simon felt about my upset. We both didn’t sign up to an affair that would have his married lover crying with guilt about her husband. I don’t know how men usually respond to this as I have never experienced this upset with any of them before.

Simon held me, cuddled and gave me tissues. Within a few minutes I had composed myself and back to kindered spirit that Simon thinks of me. On reflection I wondered if I felt safe to open up to him….I don’t know.

As for today, the drive to work was awful. Even the radio couldn’t drown out my actions or the thoughts I had. I wanted to cry but the “ice-queen” in me had returned, the emotions were buried and was to be dealt with another time.

To think that once upon a time I was thrilled with the concept of being the other women, disregarding the wife as if I owed her nothing, to not think of her life or the life of others, treating them all like puppets so I can ease my anxiety and here I am now….wanting to erase it all and not having a clue how or what I should do.

It is a lonely place to carry this secret alone and have others to think of you as “special” when you see your reflection it was only one of disgust.

Then again…I will arise from this place and carry on like I have done before but this time I can see through the clouds and know the path I am wishing to take.

I just hope I don’t continue this affair with Simon and somewhere in him or me we finish it before I spiral into depths that I can’t return from.


Stolen afternoon

22 Aug

You were late from having to drive from afar. I waited in the country pub and heard about the world of a bar man. The bar man thought I was stood up but there you came, heads turning in your presence mine wanted to bow down, look at the floor whilst on my knees.

During lunch we spoke of life, our partners and you asked me what it would be like if we met before we got married. You are 18 years older, would it ever have been possible four us? I kept my thoughts secret from you.

You drove us to visit a garden, we were the only visitors. Yes, you do take me to the most wonderful places.

There was a swing reminding us both of our childhood or possibly kinkier things (we didn’t speak of the latter but did you think it?). I went on it, swinging higher and higher, your eyes watching my every move, my hair flowing in the breeze and I left all my outside world behind “Lucy you look carefree with freedom, so beautiful”. Yes you do, is it the swing or you that makes me this way?

You dusted the back of my skirt afterwards, it must have been years prior to the swing being used. And there in the middle of the wilderness of the open garden you spanked me. It must have lasted 5 minutes, shoes dropping from my hands awoke me from the spell bound you capture me in.

It was your first time to spank a female, you enjoyed it. I asked, how do you know you enjoyed it? I smiled while doing it and loved the affect it had on you.

A gardener was coming our way and we eventually sat beside a pond. You were hard while I sat on top of you, facing away. Your right hand etching my pencil skirt apart feeling my skin underneath and the other hand rubbing my hand “cum for me Lucy” I really wanted to, this felt so right regardless of where we were. I was wet and exploding on your magical fingers. I wonder if the gardener watched.

“I want to be inside Lucy, imagine my long thick dick gliding into you, pushing deeper and deeper, my heavy balls would be hitting your ass”.

Yes, I think of it often, even now. Picturing the scene makes me want you more, I guess you know by planting a seed like I’m somewhere in the world belonging to you.

Coffee and cake finished the visit to the garden. I had wet marks on my skirt from your touch, we laughed. You told the owner about “our” garden, it has pear trees, there is honeysuckle and nettles. She advised you to make nettle tea and that nettles are good for wildlife. Your not a keen gardener, different from me I love gardening but we don’t live together, never will visit each others houses. But you tell me “I will be with you until your dying day”. I don’t say anything to this, too afraid to look at our futures. Lets just enjoy the moment.

Standing in that car park our bodies parted, our minds haven’t. We saw each other driving and I blew you sweet kisses. Our minds are still together as we have texted since.

Thank you for the stolen Wednesday afternoon.


Come away with me….

21 Aug

Wait, before you answer. This is what I promise.

You will feel wanted and desired, something you are missing from home. She is too busy for you at the moment but I am only busy for wishing to be with you.

My eyes will only be for you. She once had eyes for you but she is now too busy with life to notice you.

The body I have is for you to touch. I will not reject you like she does when you touch her, I will beg for your touch.

Your words is all I wish to hear, I will listen about your day and ask questions she does not wish to ask.

What will happen afterwards?
We will go our separate ways, she will be waiting for you at home.

Will you keep in contact with me?
Of course my dear, a text, e-mail and telephone calls. Does she contact you like this?

Will I see you again?
In those stolen moments, I will invite you to leave your world behind again. We will meet somewhere in between. She will not know, your secret (me) is safe

Come away with me…..


At war with myself………

6 Aug

The week-end is far behind.

I met Simon for the third time on Sunday. I’m always late and on Sunday it was not different.

We met in a town we both hadn’t visited. He was going to take me on the back of his motorbike. I was to wear black jeans, heels and black t-shirt.

I was excited to see him but yet fearful of going on the back of the motorbike. It has been 10 years since I done so.

My Sunday was perfect. Yes I was scared (at first)…

“What if I fall off and someone has to phone my husband”?
“What if I get injured what do I tell my husband?”
“What if I die, my poor husband will know the terrible secrets I kept”.

All of these worries are with me all the time. I need not go on a motorbike to have them.

We stopped for lunch overlooking a river, both turned on by being in the close proximity of each other. I wanted him there and then, I could feel his hard cock under his leathers. Even for him to rub his hand over my legs while both on the motorbike seems to have engraved itself in my memories.

Wanting someone so much but yet not the place to do anything about it. Building the tension and frustration for what one can only expect to be pleasure at the end.

We parted in the most hottest of moments. A stranger no doubt would have thought those two people were as one, our bodies entangled in that car park and I couldn’t help but rub myself against him. The blissful moment of being so close to someone but yet having to way. Simon wanted me to orgasm there and then in the daylight of the car park, exposed to everyone and the elements of the rain to come. We eventually sat in my car and there before I knew it I was left alone with the 1 hour drive home.

Loads of relaxed drivers on the late Sunday drive home. In no rush, no doubt with their respectful partners or perhaps someone out there…was just like me.

I changed the minute I got home, my husband was due back anytime and he said I looked pretty. I smiled, wanting to hide in bed to not face the lies I would have to tell.

And so it is, Tuesday already. I spoke with Simon yesterday and then this evening…stolen secret moments.

We have yet to have sex but next week we plan to spend our first night together.

I don’t know if this is what I have signed up for in an affair or indeed what I was looking for. I had the most wonderful 10 years with Mr A, it was interlocked with love and sex as one. In all the men with the exceptions of my husband it was based solely on sex but here with Simon I am spending time sexually charged outside of the bedroom..visiting a garden, having coffee, lunch, motorbike and that scares me. The minute I feel any affection or warmth from him, I will run, I won’t explain but instead ignore his e-mails, telephone calls, texts and I will be looking for another.

The pattern I am well accustomed to. To scared to be attached to any individual or object, fearful that I may lose them. In all the times Mr A left his wife, I ran. With my own husband, I am running keeping these affairs to myself.

I am at war with myself.



1 Aug

To set the scene,

it’s warm, my windows are open to the garden, I’m watching a butterfly…white and pure; the innocent one of us both.

The trees are not bare, their leaves glistening in various colours. The roses are in full bloom, the sunflowers are standing tall….

my dog is barking, the other is sleeping…

me…I’m tired of the game I play.

The outside world continues and here I am in memories of yesterdays.

I am running to Mr A, we hadn’t seen each other for 2 months. I moved to a “hotter country”, it was after my first year at university and I was spending the summer there. She, me, the mistress, Lucy is running to him. Her long hair is flowing and she jumps on him and he twirls her around. He kisses every part of her face and neck, here for one week they will belong. Him the dominant one, her the submissive….both escaping from reality.

He’s getting married upon his return. “Lucy, just tell me you don’t want me to get married and I won’t”. I never told him I didn’t want him to get married. I left it open with a kiss on his forehead. I wanted him to tell me he didn’t want to get married.

We made love during that week together, a closeness we both spoke about many years after. He bought me a necklace that I still have, cherished with the other moments but the sweetest rawest gifts are the memories….the memories of training me to be his submissive, the spanking but most of all knowing my mind, soul and spirit.

We danced in tune, an odd couple to some I was in the midst of my youth while he was quite and gently older than me.

When we said good-bye after that week I didn’t cry. I knew in my soul part of me would always be with him wherever or whoever he would be. I was right, during that week we celebrate our one year together…9 glorious years was further added, both growing in a space that we never thought would be.

He returned and he married. I heard through friends it was a “beautiful day”…what did I do, I spent the day fucking my boss.

I didn’t see him until October, wearing his gold band…it was different. I was now officially his mistress. I cried with him that day, this man I loved and always would…would never be mine….

I cried more when he died.

I don’t even know if Simon, Mr M…or even my darling husband will ever be able to awaken the soul that has been chipped away.


My body aches…….

19 Jul

in all places.

There are no words to describe the place my mind, body, spirit and soul is in. I am lost at sea, the waves have been too rough this week and I can’t find my anchor.

Writing about Mr A on Monday night left me with the devastating replay of longing for him. Replaying in my mind what it felt like to have his kiss…starting with slow pecks on my forehead, around my face…my neck to finally my lips. It was his routine as his fingers tickled my bare stomach. The smell of his body lingering on me even after he had left and prolonging to shower so I could stay in the aftermath of him. This longing hurts…to hold him, run my hands through his hair to then massage his neck. I would want to touch all of him and tell him how much I have missed him…to have my tears kissed away and to fall asleep in his arms.

It is no surprise to me that memories of Mr A has been awakened. During the recent affair with Mr M…I always felt “bad”, not only for my husband (shame, guilt – you name it) but the fact Mr M was my first lover since Mr A died. I had many lovers when Mr A was alive but it changed so much when I knew I could no longer be with him….someone else’s touch hurts, it reminds me too much of Mr A

Wednesday evening
I went to a friends art exhibition. My friend who has a wonderful imagination and was able to hold the exhibition on a roof top with only 3 days of planning – mainly due to the glorious weather. The scenes of the city were very romantic, a piece of art itself.

I was lost in the night, enjoying the wine…company of our friends and feeling my husbands arm round my back…maybe I have my anchor but as soon as I felt the containment of my emotions a song came through the night air (song – who’s crying now)….. my body, mind, soul, spirit was……

transported by memories to approx. 3 months ago….I was no longer at the art exhibition…I was with Mr M. I felt a tightening in my chest, flush rise from my feet, to my inner leg, I felt my body being turned, my teeth biting on my lip. There in those memories, the same ones that knock me off my feet (happens often)….. Mr M was sitting in front of me, I had rubbed his inner leg while we were sipping on our drinks and getting ready to go to the hotel room. I seemed so happy watching us both from afar in this memory, we are holding hands walking from the bar to the hotel….I know what is to come…my body flushes more….

Then as quick as the memories engulfed me I hear my husband “Lucy, are you okay……”. In which I reply “of course, its so hot this evening and I’m just transfixed on this painting”. He laughs making fun on how I can day-dream…..daydreams of yesterdays, the lovers that have touched me…my mind captures them like photos and then tortures me when I least expect it.

And so I email Mr M yesterday, I just have to tell him.

18/7/13 14:58 To Mr M From Lucy

I was at my friends art exhibition last night…so strange, a song came on the background and made me think of you. I actually felt myself flush as if everyone knew my guilty secret…never heard the song before…Who’s crying now.

18th July 16:31 To Lucy From Mr M

My favourite by Journey hun x

18th July 17:21 To Mr M From Lucy

Maybe you told me it was your favourite x

18th July 23:35 To Lucy From Mr M

I don’t think I did tell you it was my favourite. Another one is Fiction Factory – Feels like heaven. Reminds me of you xx

I don’t reply….my body aches….and I find myself crying.