One snowy night

So the scene was set. Snow fell for the first the week we planned to meet. Thursday 17th Jan.

I didn’t think we would meet but we did. It was cold, I remember that. I was wearing a plain knitted dress, thick black stockings and boots. Our first encounter was meeting in the car park of the bar, him pulling off my winter boots so I could change into my shoes. With hindsight I should have stayed in my shoes the car park was slippy. We enjoyed a few drinks.

On first impressions he looked better than the picture on his profile. Mr M seemed to talk non stop like our calls, I was slightly more hesitant – worried others in the bar would know we were strangers, looking for an interview. It was my first taste of a paranoia that would worsen as the months would go on. My body language was closed, Mr M mocked it playfully. I felt out of my depth that evening but because he was the 2nd affair I would have. The 1st affair lasted for 10 years, I was single.

That first evening with Mr M reminded me so much of my 1st love. He had died 3 years previously, an early morning drive that ended in a fatal car crash. I tried to put the memories to the back of my mind. Reminded myself that 1st affair was a struggle to get over and it was time to live afresh. We didn’t touch in the bar but he invited me to sit in his car before we went our separate ways. I wanted to kiss him, feel his touch and I did, it felt so different, the way he touched, the smell….everything. It became heated, all those talks via email and telephone meant our bodies needed to catch up quickly. I was on my period, even if I wasn’t I wouldn’t have slept with him. There was a charge between us in the car, the heat inside and the cold outside seemed to represent our lives…We touched, I recall rubbing his wrist. His hand were smooth. We said our goodbyes, and planned to meet again.

By the time I joined the motorway heavy fog had hit, I felt it was a sign of the guilt I should have felt. There was a pang. To make the driving conditions worse there was road works, did this represent the challenges ahead? How could I possibly start an affair. I had limited time as it was. I had the music up full blast during that drive, drowning out past memories, drowning out the start of the guilt however my thoughts followed me home. I couldn’t find the keys to our family home, I had to wake everyone up. Hubby smiled at me when he saw me standing there…”my very own snow queen”. He hugged me, and asked how my night was with the girls. It was late I didn’t want to chat, so scared he would smell Mr M off me. Wait, we didn’t have sex but there it was…the paranoia although small, starting but yet I didn’t reflect or even knew at that stage that it would eat me.

That even was January, it is now the 1st July. So much has changed. At the start of the affair, it was a high…gliding on a gentle button. Looking back I was detached from many things, not necessarily linked to Mr M / the affair…but from everything around me. It was like the life I was living with my husband was something I had never expected. He was everything to me. My husband and I had our ups and downs, but for the last 3 years I was faithful to him. I had no need to  start an affair, it was more of a want, like a child wanting candy.

I’ve read since that the start of affairs is like an addiction. Increase of serotonin, the happy drug like feeling. I relate to that…I felt in control of my life again. I liked the secret. Secrets were all I had known. My family is one of secrets…secrets of yesterdays brought to the present. Not one to blame my childhood but I knew me being unfaithful was like the dance I always knew. It was what I could work well with.

I slept well that evening, maybe a defence to drown out my feelings. When I woke it was to an empty bed. A relief, my husband had left for work…then I checked my phoned like every morning in the last month and in the cold dark January morning there is a good morning email from Mr M. He was away on business for the day, he emailed throughout that day and into the weekend. At no stage did I think about his wife, his family…the bubble only existed between him and I. As a true defence, I thought we were doing no harm. Even seeing us as single people, I didn’t see him as anyones husband, someones father, a work colleague to others…no he was just Mr M. Maybe if I had viewed it like this sooner, the different roles he par-taked in then maybe I wouldn’t have got to this sorry mess. I soon thought those roles, much later in June, within the past few weeks. He stopped having time to see me due to these commitments….if I was in more touch with reality I could have seen it coming. How could two people married possibly lead double lifes.

On the Sunday morning after the Thursday evening he emailed with plans for during that week. We would be meeting in a city. I was at a conference, I usually drove home but instead I made an excuse about meetings the next day. He played a game suggesting me to guess the hotel he had booked in. I was slightly hungover and unsure of the details he meant. The game ended with him telling me. Maybe I should have known better and realised Mr M possibly played this game many times before. So the game was set, we would meet mid week, both booked into separate rooms, this was my wish but deep inside I knew from the sexual chemistry, the intense emails from our meeting that something would happen, what that something was I wouldn’t know. Our chats had become sexually charged, him asking what I would prefer…slow and easy v hard and fast. I preferred the latter, possibly both of us setting the scene of what to come….

The first night was….~(next blog)