Archive | August, 2013

Writing to My Sensei

30 Aug

To: Sensei

From: Lucy

12th August

There she was finally knelt before him. Vulnerability cursed her soul, the only way she knew excitement. The body longed for his complete control and he was willing to provide it.

His order came fast. The heart quickened eager to please, the hand in her hair raised her head to look into his eyes. This was the part she disliked most, her eyes were the only part of her that showed desire, need, pleasure and fear; only those truly connected could tell her emotions.

She wished she was blindfolded.

He saw her pleasure and longing for him as he rubbed his dick gently over her lips. Her tongue crept to the edge for just one lick and he allowed her that; twirling around the thickness. She was ready to suck him but he ordered for her to sit up and spread her legs wider ” so I can see all“.

There she was, exposed to him – to be looked at while he tied her up, arms behind her back in the favourite position she knew so well.

In that gleeful moment the tingling hot sensation crept through her veins flowing to her skin her mind free to allow her body to accept his orders, touch and whatever was to be. his touch unfamiliar curved her stomach teasing her inner thigh with his fingers and the feeling of his breath upon her.

She opened her legs further inviting him to join, her eyes focusing on his dick. The cool hands pushed her head down she was not to look, only at the floor.

The fingers of his hands opened to grip the pressure points of her neck. He was now behind her, his dick rubbing against the small of her back his left hand covering her mouth and the right moving in circling movements until he reached her clit, his head bent so he could graze his teeth over her neck. All they had been waiting for had begun…….

———————————————————————————————————————————–

Upon his request and much to my reluctance my dearest Sensei requested for me to write  about our first night (as above). Prior to this he had shared via e-mail on what he would think our first night would be like. His writing tantalised my senses, senses I didn’t even know I had. Through the course of several days and three e-mails later he had imprinted vivid thoughts on what it would be like to be alone with him.

Our first night together, over two weeks ago was somewhat different from both of our fantasies but still invigorating enough to have us meet again last week for a brief afternoon encounter. Unfortunately with my work schedule and home life we were unable to meet this week but our souls will be intertwined again on Monday.

 

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Who is sensei?

27 Aug

Sensei = translated from Japanese = “a person born before another” or “teacher“. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensei

*We are the opposites that attract; he is the dominant I his submissive.

*We are similar to each other; the secret love and special friend we have been waiting for.

*He nurtures my mind, soul and body; holds me when I am afraid but pushes my boundaries as he knows my true desires.

*We speak daily of fears, dreams, knowing parts of each other that no one else was keen to know.

*He binds me in rules but eager for me to fly.

*We are souls reunited with the passion of reading, being outdoors, food and sex.

*He chooses what I wear when I see him, from the underwear to the stockings I am here to please and obey him.

*We leave the outside world behind and in those stolen moments in each others arms we do belong.

*He is tall, educated, a romantic, married and older than I.

*I am not as tall as he, educated in a different way, an unromantic, married to another and younger than he.

*We are opposites.

*We are similar.

*He walks this journey with me, his wife does not know about me.

*I walk this journey with him, my husband does not know about him.

*This affair is like no other.

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Porn experience 2013

25 Aug

The men that have walked by my side in 2013, okay okay I go for few “walks” with them but I stand, bend, lye, crawl – you name the position and I have done it in their presence……. have all admitted to watching porn.

I love porn, it can be tantalising to watch it fully clothed with an amazing lover to end up naked while acting the scenes….. Most importantly the scenes you both enjoy!

It’s all about balance, right?

What about the man who gets so engrossed with watching porn and his own wank that he can’t or finds it difficult to ejaculate with a female touching him? (Yes there are sexual difficulties that men experience without the use of porn but this post isn’t about this).

Unforgiving to me I had this experience with Mr M – in fact it was more delayed ejaculation but yet he couldn’t reach the point of no return unless he held his cock, rubbing it furiously to get the desired effect and squirting every drop upon my face. He consistently watched porn and you bet it – this was the scene he liked most to watch. I questioned many times the possibility that Mr M might have taken viagra, prolonging his hardness but I doubt it. In regards to his wanking, he got so used to his own touch and “cumming” this way he could do it no other way. His wife hadn’t touched him in years….who’s fault was it? If he was my long term partner I would have worked with him on this issue but he wasn’t, it was for the sex and the selfish goddess in me cries “I want the best”.

Then to the man, Simon who sends me links of BDSM at it’s wildest. In one scenario a female is tied up (nice and pleasant) but the man takes is holding an object that resembles a “drill” to rub over her clit. A vibrator in disguise. You are not using that on me Simon. He replied, but she really enjoyed. A. That female is not me! B. She gets paid to have wierd tools rubbed over clit! C. Shes an actress!

Then to anal. We are all different, I drink my coffee without milk and have 3 sugars (yes my teeth are pearly white and in good shape) maybe you drink yours with milk…semi, full cream (the milk?) you get my point – we are all different! Do I like anal, perhaps if a man was try to do it gently instead of prodding me full force and for me to cry out “no” – of course he won’t stop, what’s the safe word again….yes …orange, orange bloody orange. Only one man has entered me anally and for me to enjoy it – halleluia to Mr A; it was ecstasy..pure pleasure. Unlike porn, he lubed me (unfortunately they forgot this from the scene), wore a condom (yes – porn doesn’t seem to highlight the necessity of protection from diseases) and provided a rhythm that was indeed soothing and not ouch.

Do I want a threesome like the porn? No. Yes, I get it the female you watched in the porn really enjoyed the 3 cocks that filled her, she was insatiable. One man is good enough for me, just use your cock right. You want a female to join us? Been there, done it and currently wearing her picture on my t-shirt (joke!). I know you want to watch me with her but why don’t we have that cute male waiter join us and take you up the ass? I will gladly return the favour with a female then!

Feet fetish. Unbeknown to me at a work conference when the smiling stranger asked the group what their favourite body part was and my innocent reply “oh it has to be my feet” was “feeding” (he was dreaming of licking, sucking, worshipping my feet) his fetish. He signalled me out from that moment onwards and before I knew it he was revelling in the knowledge I love to have my feet massaged. Telling me how he watches porn every morning to wank about the female getting her boots and feet licked …Would you like this Lucy, have me as your submissive worshipping your feet? I never tried it before, why not and there I was before him; it felt damn good to be in the place of a dominant. Sadly, he “came” within seconds of seeing me in my underwear and stilettos. The next morning true to his he was wanking watching porn, I didn’t orgasam in his company – he thought my toe was my clit! Again the goddess within me sings “and what about me”.

I watch porn (within balance) the visual aspect is good but I wish my vagina and ass to remain intact.

I guess these married men want a whole opppps whore to fulfill their needs that the innocent wife might not be complying to.

Why am I not talking of single men? Most of the information could relate to a single man or a man you might know (not all men are the same – I have had some fantastic amazing lovers) but this is my experience of the married men that have entered (me) my world in 2013.

To the porn queen that’s within me…please go to hell.

Poem: Opening doors of things in my past…

25 Aug

The Abuse Expose' with Secret Angel

Opening doors of things in my past…
Like pulling scabs off wounds that still last.
Dealing with feelings long tucked away,
and questioning how to handle these feelings today.

Lies…those lies confronted me at the door…
Close it…close it, and open it no more!!!
For the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy,
but no longer can he play me like a used up toy.

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Oh dear friend….

24 Aug

There you are before me,

another stolen moment in time.

I’ve rushed here to be with you leaving the other men behind.

You’ve waited patiently by the table….

just as you have promised.

My fingers trail delicately over the parts of you I like best, opening your top neck,

this heart beat of mine quickens .

You smell better than I remember and

cold as ice to touch.

On bended knees I look at you.

In my mouth you want me best.

And who am I to disagree,

I am here to obey.

Raising you towards me,

my lips part with every breath.

My tongue twirls round your taste,

this is better than the last.

You fill my mouth with passion and my

taste buds they do reply.

There you hit the back of my throat,

this makes me want to smile.

From the first taste to the last drop my

body begins to sway.

Finally you will be empty and I will be satisfied but yet

craving for another drop.

Oh dear friend…..my glass of white wine

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Affair partners…..

24 Aug

Affair partners.....

<p>”The big difference between buying a house and choosing a partner is, faulty houses make good renovation projections and faulty people don’t”. Steve Fowler

I don’t see people as faulty however I am mindful that no one is perfection.

With each man that has entered my life recently there seems to be this “history” that turns me off. I don’t know if I am merely uncovering stones in the hope of finding anything that will make me stay unattached to them. My dear husband regardless of his flaws doesn’t seem to have this “history” but maybe he was smart enough not to tell me.

Simon – he has enjoyed group sex, no no no – let me rephrase that. According to him he watched group sex but it was “wife swap” with another couple. When he first met his wife he took her along to meet another couple – she had sex with the man, he with the other women. Did you feel any jealousy Simon? No, I hardly knew her. Phew this man can be so emotionally detached at times, or is it me? Am I a prude? Prior to this, he spent a night with the same couple and it was sex all night. Did I really need to know that his manhood could perform like this? Or that they took a break half way to eat ham sandwiches? Ouch, ham sandwiches make me sick. And what really angers….he wants sex unprotected with me ..”If I had anything it would have shown by now”. (Simon, has never been tested but continues to think it would “show” somehow). What world is this man living in? Prior to him being married but in a relationship and asked “Are you married?” he would say no but not mention the relationship – “I was truthful really”. This sends alarm bells in my head for the mere fact that I could be asking a question and thinking I am being told the truth.

Mr Executive – I just can’t bring myself to talk about him as for once I’m feeling sorry for the wife. They required IVF to conceive and have a beautiful charming five year old daughter. The last child who is only 9 months was the most difficult, IVF failed several times causing stress for both he and his wife. What does he do? He has an affair (not with me). I didn’t realise until recently during deep conversations that his youngest was only 9 months. This just blew me off my feet. My open mind couldn’t accept that this man, who tried so hard to have a child with his wife could just go out and have an affair. I have never kissed or slept with Mr Executive nor am I planning to do so. Does this make me a good person? 😉

The honesty of these men is appealing but at the same time the information leaves me feeling angry.

I’m started to wonder what kind of aura I have to attract and let men like this into my life. If I was choosing a life partner they wouldn’t have made it passed the first drink. Should I really care about their life history as they never will be my life partner?

Then I am angry at “me”…I am like these men. I lie, I cheat, I leave my husband at the most vulnerable times. My anger for me is merely being projected at them, seeing the aspects I don’t like within me….disowning them and utilising my anger..full force at them.

Do I trust any of them? No. Do I want to trust them? No.

Then onto Mr M. He wanted to meet Tuesday of this week but I declined with an excuse of being busy. (I was busy planning to meet Simon, you see I tell the truth but not the full truth – I LIE). I didn’t correspond with him since to receive the following e-mail yesterday:

Lucy

Hope you are okay

I woke up this morning with a stronger desire than normal to fuck you very hard….

and….cum very hard in your mouth 😉

I am wondering if I could get to see you Monday 2nd or Tuesday 3rd September?

Have a good bank holiday

Mr M xxx

Another one…I asked him if he was back to that “site” where we had first met and he said no. But he was, looking and cheating on me. I have no right to be angry though as we never forged an “exclusivity” but he said many times without me asking “There is only you and my wife”. Only me and his wife? This makes me laugh, is there such a thing as an “exclusive” affair? Possibly not, for those who have experienced it or thought you did – good luck to you.

Why am I using my energy on these men? Over analysing their every word and hearing about their past.

I am at the stage that I think affairs are biting me and I wish to leave them far away…in never never land. To go on a journey to find me, forget about these men and find the containment within.

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The e-mail

23 Aug

The e-mail

While deleting e-mails last night I came across one from Mr M that I hadn’t previously deleted. It was sent in the midst of winter, January to be exact. I can remember the coldness, the closeness we shared but they are merely far away thoughts.

The subject was: What animal would you be?

I remember him phoning me in the midst of returning his e-mail for him to provide the answer to what I would be.

A wild horse.

A wild horse?

I wanted to be a “nice” kitten, an animal to be held, looked after, caressed and cherished. Deep within me this desire must exist on a human level.

Instead, I project this image to the outside world….

* Dressed in pencil skirts & shirts mid-week then the relaxed look at week-end. I will be the one wearing the dress on the Saturday night, holding hands with my husband usually within a group. I’m the friendly one, making everyone laugh – hugging & kissing friends and family on both cheeks as they arrive and leave. Everyone will feel desired and loved, I’m still waiting for that feeling to arrive with me but nobody seems to notice as I’m the…..

* impermeable one to who meets me.

* Fiercely independent, the quality they most admire but if someone took their time, to really uncover this pretence they will see the fears that drive the independence, keeping me “alone” with no real attachment and constantly running from the outside world and the thoughts I have within me.

* The charming female, there is an actress within me. I’m always listening, responding with the right words. I get to know you like no other, telling me fears and dreams, I carry everyone’s secrets well. While the real me is hidden, I carry my secrets upon my back in a heavy sack.

In secret….

* I cry alone, the sadness getting too much. My eyes become swollen and I look like I have hay-fever.

* I daydream of being a princess for a day 😉

* I watch myself in the mirror, disliking the parts of me that many love…my eyes “Lucy, the windows to your soul”. If you saw my soul and the things I do, would you be my friend. “Your smile lights up the room”….it covers my breaking heart….”You have perfect legs”…would you still like them if you saw them wrapped around a strangers body last night?

* I have sex with married men. Entering an affair to escape the reality. I play them like a violin, enticing them to leave them without a good-bye.

* I spend nights with these men but leave during the middle of the night or early morning (5/6am). Unfortunately with Simon I stayed till morning (note to self: don’t do this again).

And to the animal, what would I be….the wild horse. Mr M was right. Unfortunately I’m too scared to be that kitten, to be rejected and left alone.

Until the wild horse meets the kitten within, I continue…it’s another day, the pencil skirt is waiting to mask this body of mine, the smile is ready to come and there I will walk. This body of mine will carry me, fending off the demons in my head…I’m a strong and independent women longing to be the submissive that’s in my head.