…where has the time went!
I am surprised that it has been 2 years since I logged on. It feels like only yesterday but yet so much has happened.
I have been totally faithful for nearly 2 years…and then wham the burning desire ignites….
my writing is to commence to see me through!
I missed it here…
Sometimes I wonder if the calmness I feel is the calmness of the storm ahead or is it the aftermath of the storm I’ve been through?
I can’t decide….
Phew, it’s been a busy week with work. It has been welcomed as it leaves my personal life to one side. Then again, my personality is that of an addict, I swap from one addiction to another and I guess this week I have returned to the work addict. Like all my addictions, my busy week at work enabled me to experience the freedom from my thoughts, my actions…the feelings.
My boundaries, although still in practice have not worked to my advantage. With clear strength on Tuesday to avoid interactions with Simon it didn’t last long, one day to be exact. I lasted Tuesday afternoon, evening and finally caved in on Wednesday.
I ended the relationship via text, which only triggered anger in Simon. Apparently he is much more insecure in this affair than I. That’s the thing, the dynamics of what we have in our marriage comes to light at some stage within the affair. And like with my husband, I reassured Simon via an email.
To: Simon From: Lucy Date: 6th September 2013
Subject: Things I like about you.
To Simon, hopefully the below information will reassure you a little xx
1. The way you are simply you, saying it how it is and not simply agreeing with me for the sake of it (best quality).
2. It is all or nothing, black or white with you, funny or angry and just like your tattoos they are opposite also
3. Your accent – sexy
4. You have so much charisma
5. That we can speak about a wide range of subjects
6. How I can be just “me” in your company and for that little while I spend with you I forget the stress and feel so content. The most wonderful feeling
7. The way you rub my leg….mmmmm
8. The way you say hmmm hmmm
9. Your good morning texts make me smile
10. Seeing a message and finding its from you
11. The way your not afraid to try new things
12. For enabling me to trust you as I can simply enter sub space by having you near
13. For you not realising how much I adore you
14. Being attentive in every way, especially sexually
15. The sex with you is amazing, just one thought of you turns me on
16. You can simply show your insecurities and not care
17. Your patience – gosh you need it with me
18. That you can push my boundaries e.g. i would never had let anyone touch me like you did at that garden we visited
19. You make me feel safe in a strange sort of way
20. You don’t know how attractive you are
21. So calming when I cried, you didn’t try to fix the situation – you were there
22. Your cock, I wish to worship it 😉
23. Sometimes you ask me what that look is for / think I’m not pleased to be with / think I’m cold but you don’t realise that most times I’m just in awe to be in your company
24. That you spend time with me
His reply
Lucy
God I love you xxxxxx
Not in a threatening way to your marriage (I would never do that to you)
I miss you terribly when we are not together or we don’t speak or text for even a few hours
I continually have to pinch myself when you are with me as you are so beautiful, confident and drop dead gorgeous I ask myself what you could possibly see in me.
You make me smile just by thinking of you and I love your sense of humour and wicked imagination.
You do have one of the best poker faces I have ever seen and I’d hate to play against you – I’d be broke in no time lol 😉
I am always hard whenever I think of you or being with you or just listen to you.
You were amazing the other night when you deep throated me all the way down and I loved you for trying and wanting to do it to please me. Ass fucking next 😉 lol
You are insatiable and I love that when we do get time together we do genuinely fuck all night long.
I especially like looking at you when you are laying on the bed beside me and can only admire your pure and unpretentious beauty.
I especially like having you close in bed with your head on my chest and cuddling up to you when we finish making love.
You are so special to me and whilst I know we disagree on the whole soul mate thing in my mind you are most definitely mine.
You are my equal in every way and I respect you more than you know.
I know you often describe us as strangers but you know more about me than probably any other person on the planet. Believe it or not I very rarely tell anyone anything about the inner me – so believe me when I tell you “You are good” lol
I also love the way I feel inside you and the fact that I am big enough to please you and fill you deep.
I love trying new things and I know you sometime think me strange but I really enjoy giving you pleasure and never having used toys before this is opening up a whole new world to me and will give me many more ways to do so.
Thank you also for remembering me mention I had never fucked a woman in the Reverse Cowgirl Position and for jumping on and doing that for me.
I genuinely love everything about you and especially that fiery **** (reveals personal information) nature of yours because I can relate strongly to that passionate and intense side to you.
As our relationship grows we will become more in tune with one another of that I am sure and I will start to know what you are thinking and the mood you are in. The upside of our occasional fiery episode will be the fiery and passionate making up we get to do.
Thanks to you life is for living again and I look forward immensely to every text, chat and time we get together babe.
You complete me xxxxxxxxxxx
His words are much better than words than I. I am sceptical of his sweet sugar coated words, he is married, a cheat like I – how can his words be true? Then again, even if he was single I would still doubt anyone’s ability to see me in the way they do. Only I and you my dear reader know the true hidden extent of me and the life I lead. Even I forget at times that people read my words, only being reminded by the comments I receive. I panic that a reader knows about my life, the true extent of my fucked up behaviour. I then panic that Simon or anybody I know will find this blog and know everything about me.
Upon reading Simons reply I had tears in my eyes. I don’t know if it is the way he sees me, or the fact he is still a puppet? Or if deep down I get this sense of belonging with him, is this what it is like to be in love? Of course not, it is an affair ….it is a fantasy but what if…
What if…….these wildest moments are perfection
it is much colder in England, it feels like Autumn but only the 1st September. It is breezy and the fresh air catches my face and makes me smile. The nights are drawing closer and I hope we receive some sunshine before Autumn fully trickles through the darkened sky.
Something in me has shifted. To explain or describe it with words is impossible. I said a final good-bye to Mr M last week. For the first time in my life I didn’t want to “play” with him, pretending that I was sitting here waiting to see him while all along I am being entertained by Simon.
To: Mr M
From: Lucy
27th August
Hello Mr M,
I hope you had a joyful bank holiday week-end and rested for the week ahead, if not you have your week in the sun to look forward to.
Unfortunately I am reluctant to meeting you next week. Yes at times I miss the debate, your charasima – who wouldn’t? I even thought about our first night together as I’m booked to stay there through work soon (wonderful memories). Then again, I also remember the week we finished, you not contacting me/using that site and I guess I drifted away from you and I’m uncertain in regards to drifting back to you.
I don’t think there is anything else to say but a cherished thank you for allowing me to walk this secret path with you regardless of how short it was to be. You have a special soul.
I won’t contact you again but maybe I will send you an invitation on New Years Eve to see if you are open to an adventure for 2014…I will imagine you in the sun when I do so 😉
Enjoy the rest of 2013
******** – always this name with you 😉
I cried after I sent it. Taking the first step in placing boundaries into my life is strange for me, usually I am on the receiving end of rules and boundaries from others.
The reply:
*******
That is a shame but as I always respect your opinion that’s the way it is.
Thanks though for your kind words they are reciprocated.
I look forward to your invitation on New Years Eve.
Mr M xx
As simple as that, the relationship was over.
I had thoughts of doing the same with Simon but I guess I am not ready yet to extend these boundaries onto other areas of my life. One step at a time is my mantra at present.
My hopes –
* to try and create harmony in my relationship with my husband.
This involves two sides – both he and I creating this harmony between us. I disclosed to him this week that “I feel suffocated by you criticism and something has to change or I will have no choice but to leave”. On reflection this seems like a threat but I have to place boundaries in this relationship and at quick pace.
I also reminded my husband that I told him 9 years ago I didn’t want to have the same dynamics within our relationship and here I am 9 years later and NOTHING has changed. He promised me he would change and seek therapy, this is the usual pattern of false promises. Maybe this time the pattern will change – A. he works with me or B. I leave instead of staying.
However something has changed in me already. I feel inner peace. I don’t need a man to reassure me of my self-worth, be that an affair or a husband. I want to take this journey of life knowing I have experienced it all, from my desires to my thoughts. I want to uncover the stones to know what really makes me laugh, to experience love in its purest form and to feel the excitement and the fear at the same time but not run (to having an affair)….I want to read like I used to do and not be consumed of guilt for not talking to my husband instead of reading…
I want to be Lucy….I want to be me…Will the real Lucy please stand up?
To: Sensei
From: Lucy
12th August
There she was finally knelt before him. Vulnerability cursed her soul, the only way she knew excitement. The body longed for his complete control and he was willing to provide it.
His order came fast. The heart quickened eager to please, the hand in her hair raised her head to look into his eyes. This was the part she disliked most, her eyes were the only part of her that showed desire, need, pleasure and fear; only those truly connected could tell her emotions.
She wished she was blindfolded.
He saw her pleasure and longing for him as he rubbed his dick gently over her lips. Her tongue crept to the edge for just one lick and he allowed her that; twirling around the thickness. She was ready to suck him but he ordered for her to sit up and spread her legs wider ” so I can see all“.
There she was, exposed to him – to be looked at while he tied her up, arms behind her back in the favourite position she knew so well.
In that gleeful moment the tingling hot sensation crept through her veins flowing to her skin her mind free to allow her body to accept his orders, touch and whatever was to be. his touch unfamiliar curved her stomach teasing her inner thigh with his fingers and the feeling of his breath upon her.
She opened her legs further inviting him to join, her eyes focusing on his dick. The cool hands pushed her head down she was not to look, only at the floor.
The fingers of his hands opened to grip the pressure points of her neck. He was now behind her, his dick rubbing against the small of her back his left hand covering her mouth and the right moving in circling movements until he reached her clit, his head bent so he could graze his teeth over her neck. All they had been waiting for had begun…….
———————————————————————————————————————————–
Upon his request and much to my reluctance my dearest Sensei requested for me to write  about our first night (as above). Prior to this he had shared via e-mail on what he would think our first night would be like. His writing tantalised my senses, senses I didn’t even know I had. Through the course of several days and three e-mails later he had imprinted vivid thoughts on what it would be like to be alone with him.
Our first night together, over two weeks ago was somewhat different from both of our fantasies but still invigorating enough to have us meet again last week for a brief afternoon encounter. Unfortunately with my work schedule and home life we were unable to meet this week but our souls will be intertwined again on Monday.
Â
Sensei = translated from Japanese = “a person born before another” or “teacher“. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensei
*We are the opposites that attract; he is the dominant I his submissive.
*We are similar to each other; the secret love and special friend we have been waiting for.
*He nurtures my mind, soul and body; holds me when I am afraid but pushes my boundaries as he knows my true desires.
*We speak daily of fears, dreams, knowing parts of each other that no one else was keen to know.
*He binds me in rules but eager for me to fly.
*We are souls reunited with the passion of reading, being outdoors, food and sex.
*He chooses what I wear when I see him, from the underwear to the stockings I am here to please and obey him.
*We leave the outside world behind and in those stolen moments in each others arms we do belong.
*He is tall, educated, a romantic, married and older than I.
*I am not as tall as he, educated in a different way, an unromantic, married to another and younger than he.
*We are opposites.
*We are similar.
*He walks this journey with me, his wife does not know about me.
*I walk this journey with him, my husband does not know about him.
*This affair is like no other.
The men that have walked by my side in 2013, okay okay I go for few “walks” with them but I stand, bend, lye, crawl – you name the position and I have done it in their presence……. have all admitted to watching porn.
I love porn, it can be tantalising to watch it fully clothed with an amazing lover to end up naked while acting the scenes….. Most importantly the scenes you both enjoy!
It’s all about balance, right?
What about the man who gets so engrossed with watching porn and his own wank that he can’t or finds it difficult to ejaculate with a female touching him? (Yes there are sexual difficulties that men experience without the use of porn but this post isn’t about this).
Unforgiving to me I had this experience with Mr M – in fact it was more delayed ejaculation but yet he couldn’t reach the point of no return unless he held his cock, rubbing it furiously to get the desired effect and squirting every drop upon my face. He consistently watched porn and you bet it – this was the scene he liked most to watch. I questioned many times the possibility that Mr M might have taken viagra, prolonging his hardness but I doubt it. In regards to his wanking, he got so used to his own touch and “cumming” this way he could do it no other way. His wife hadn’t touched him in years….who’s fault was it? If he was my long term partner I would have worked with him on this issue but he wasn’t, it was for the sex and the selfish goddess in me cries “I want the best”.
Then to the man, Simon who sends me links of BDSM at it’s wildest. In one scenario a female is tied up (nice and pleasant) but the man takes is holding an object that resembles a “drill” to rub over her clit. A vibrator in disguise. You are not using that on me Simon. He replied, but she really enjoyed. A. That female is not me! B. She gets paid to have wierd tools rubbed over clit! C. Shes an actress!
Then to anal. We are all different, I drink my coffee without milk and have 3 sugars (yes my teeth are pearly white and in good shape) maybe you drink yours with milk…semi, full cream (the milk?) you get my point – we are all different! Do I like anal, perhaps if a man was try to do it gently instead of prodding me full force and for me to cry out “no” – of course he won’t stop, what’s the safe word again….yes …orange, orange bloody orange. Only one man has entered me anally and for me to enjoy it – halleluia to Mr A; it was ecstasy..pure pleasure. Unlike porn, he lubed me (unfortunately they forgot this from the scene), wore a condom (yes – porn doesn’t seem to highlight the necessity of protection from diseases) and provided a rhythm that was indeed soothing and not ouch.
Do I want a threesome like the porn? No. Yes, I get it the female you watched in the porn really enjoyed the 3 cocks that filled her, she was insatiable. One man is good enough for me, just use your cock right. You want a female to join us? Been there, done it and currently wearing her picture on my t-shirt (joke!). I know you want to watch me with her but why don’t we have that cute male waiter join us and take you up the ass? I will gladly return the favour with a female then!
Feet fetish. Unbeknown to me at a work conference when the smiling stranger asked the group what their favourite body part was and my innocent reply “oh it has to be my feet” was “feeding” (he was dreaming of licking, sucking, worshipping my feet) his fetish. He signalled me out from that moment onwards and before I knew it he was revelling in the knowledge I love to have my feet massaged. Telling me how he watches porn every morning to wank about the female getting her boots and feet licked …Would you like this Lucy, have me as your submissive worshipping your feet? I never tried it before, why not and there I was before him; it felt damn good to be in the place of a dominant. Sadly, he “came” within seconds of seeing me in my underwear and stilettos. The next morning true to his he was wanking watching porn, I didn’t orgasam in his company – he thought my toe was my clit! Again the goddess within me sings “and what about me”.
I watch porn (within balance) the visual aspect is good but I wish my vagina and ass to remain intact.
I guess these married men want a whole opppps whore to fulfill their needs that the innocent wife might not be complying to.
Why am I not talking of single men? Most of the information could relate to a single man or a man you might know (not all men are the same – I have had some fantastic amazing lovers) but this is my experience of the married men that have entered (me) my world in 2013.
To the porn queen that’s within me…please go to hell.
Opening doors of things in my past…
Like pulling scabs off wounds that still last.
Dealing with feelings long tucked away,
and questioning how to handle these feelings today.
Lies…those lies confronted me at the door…
Close it…close it, and open it no more!!!
For the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy,
but no longer can he play me like a used up toy.
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There you are before me,
another stolen moment in time.
I’ve rushed here to be with you leaving the other men behind.
You’ve waited patiently by the table….
just as you have promised.
My fingers trail delicately over the parts of you I like best, opening your top neck,
this heart beat of mine quickens .
You smell better than I remember and
cold as ice to touch.
On bended knees I look at you.
In my mouth you want me best.
And who am I to disagree,
I am here to obey.
Raising you towards me,
my lips part with every breath.
My tongue twirls round your taste,
this is better than the last.
You fill my mouth with passion and my
taste buds they do reply.
There you hit the back of my throat,
this makes me want to smile.
From the first taste to the last drop my
body begins to sway.
Finally you will be empty and I will be satisfied but yet
craving for another drop.
Oh dear friend…..my glass of white wine
<p>”The big difference between buying a house and choosing a partner is, faulty houses make good renovation projections and faulty people don’t”. Steve Fowler
I don’t see people as faulty however I am mindful that no one is perfection.
With each man that has entered my life recently there seems to be this “history” that turns me off. I don’t know if I am merely uncovering stones in the hope of finding anything that will make me stay unattached to them. My dear husband regardless of his flaws doesn’t seem to have this “history” but maybe he was smart enough not to tell me.
Simon – he has enjoyed group sex, no no no – let me rephrase that. According to him he watched group sex but it was “wife swap” with another couple. When he first met his wife he took her along to meet another couple – she had sex with the man, he with the other women. Did you feel any jealousy Simon? No, I hardly knew her. Phew this man can be so emotionally detached at times, or is it me? Am I a prude? Prior to this, he spent a night with the same couple and it was sex all night. Did I really need to know that his manhood could perform like this? Or that they took a break half way to eat ham sandwiches? Ouch, ham sandwiches make me sick. And what really angers….he wants sex unprotected with me ..”If I had anything it would have shown by now”. (Simon, has never been tested but continues to think it would “show” somehow). What world is this man living in? Prior to him being married but in a relationship and asked “Are you married?” he would say no but not mention the relationship – “I was truthful really”. This sends alarm bells in my head for the mere fact that I could be asking a question and thinking I am being told the truth.
Mr Executive – I just can’t bring myself to talk about him as for once I’m feeling sorry for the wife. They required IVF to conceive and have a beautiful charming five year old daughter. The last child who is only 9 months was the most difficult, IVF failed several times causing stress for both he and his wife. What does he do? He has an affair (not with me). I didn’t realise until recently during deep conversations that his youngest was only 9 months. This just blew me off my feet. My open mind couldn’t accept that this man, who tried so hard to have a child with his wife could just go out and have an affair. I have never kissed or slept with Mr Executive nor am I planning to do so. Does this make me a good person? 😉
The honesty of these men is appealing but at the same time the information leaves me feeling angry.
I’m started to wonder what kind of aura I have to attract and let men like this into my life. If I was choosing a life partner they wouldn’t have made it passed the first drink. Should I really care about their life history as they never will be my life partner?
Then I am angry at “me”…I am like these men. I lie, I cheat, I leave my husband at the most vulnerable times. My anger for me is merely being projected at them, seeing the aspects I don’t like within me….disowning them and utilising my anger..full force at them.
Do I trust any of them? No. Do I want to trust them? No.
Then onto Mr M. He wanted to meet Tuesday of this week but I declined with an excuse of being busy. (I was busy planning to meet Simon, you see I tell the truth but not the full truth – I LIE). I didn’t correspond with him since to receive the following e-mail yesterday:
Lucy
Hope you are okay
I woke up this morning with a stronger desire than normal to fuck you very hard….
and….cum very hard in your mouth 😉
I am wondering if I could get to see you Monday 2nd or Tuesday 3rd September?
Have a good bank holiday
Mr M xxx
Another one…I asked him if he was back to that “site” where we had first met and he said no. But he was, looking and cheating on me. I have no right to be angry though as we never forged an “exclusivity” but he said many times without me asking “There is only you and my wife”. Only me and his wife? This makes me laugh, is there such a thing as an “exclusive” affair? Possibly not, for those who have experienced it or thought you did – good luck to you.
Why am I using my energy on these men? Over analysing their every word and hearing about their past.
I am at the stage that I think affairs are biting me and I wish to leave them far away…in never never land. To go on a journey to find me, forget about these men and find the containment within.
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