Wildest Moments……..

Sometimes I wonder if the calmness I feel is the calmness of the storm ahead or is it the aftermath of the storm I’ve been through?
I can’t decide….
Phew, it’s been a busy week with work. It has been welcomed as it leaves my personal life to one side. Then again, my personality is that of an addict, I swap from one addiction to another and I guess this week I have returned to the work addict. Like all my addictions, my busy week at work enabled me to experience the freedom from my thoughts, my actions…the feelings.
My boundaries, although still in practice have not worked to my advantage. With clear strength on Tuesday to avoid interactions with Simon it didn’t last long, one day to be exact. I lasted Tuesday afternoon, evening and finally caved in on Wednesday.
I ended the relationship via text, which only triggered anger in Simon. Apparently he is much more insecure in this affair than I. That’s the thing, the dynamics of what we have in our marriage comes to light at some stage within the affair. And like with my husband, I reassured Simon via an email.

To: Simon From: Lucy Date: 6th September 2013
Subject: Things I like about you.

To Simon, hopefully the below information will reassure you a little xx

1. The way you are simply you, saying it how it is and not simply agreeing with me for the sake of it (best quality).
2. It is all or nothing, black or white with you, funny or angry and just like your tattoos they are opposite also
3. Your accent – sexy
4. You have so much charisma
5. That we can speak about a wide range of subjects
6. How I can be just “me” in your company and for that little while I spend with you I forget the stress and feel so content. The most wonderful feeling
7. The way you rub my leg….mmmmm
8. The way you say hmmm hmmm
9. Your good morning texts make me smile
10. Seeing a message and finding its from you
11. The way your not afraid to try new things
12. For enabling me to trust you as I can simply enter sub space by having you near
13. For you not realising how much I adore you
14. Being attentive in every way, especially sexually
15. The sex with you is amazing, just one thought of you turns me on
16. You can simply show your insecurities and not care
17. Your patience – gosh you need it with me
18. That you can push my boundaries e.g. i would never had let anyone touch me like you did at that garden we visited
19. You make me feel safe in a strange sort of way
20. You don’t know how attractive you are
21. So calming when I cried, you didn’t try to fix the situation – you were there
22. Your cock, I wish to worship it 😉
23. Sometimes you ask me what that look is for / think I’m not pleased to be with / think I’m cold but you don’t realise that most times I’m just in awe to be in your company
24. That you spend time with me

His reply

Lucy

God I love you xxxxxx

Not in a threatening way to your marriage (I would never do that to you)

I miss you terribly when we are not together or we don’t speak or text for even a few hours

I continually have to pinch myself when you are with me as you are so beautiful, confident and drop dead gorgeous I ask myself what you could possibly see in me.

You make me smile just by thinking of you and I love your sense of humour and wicked imagination.

You do have one of the best poker faces I have ever seen and I’d hate to play against you – I’d be broke in no time lol 😉

I am always hard whenever I think of you or being with you or just listen to you.

You were amazing the other night when you deep throated me all the way down and I loved you for trying and wanting to do it to please me. Ass fucking next 😉 lol

You are insatiable and I love that when we do get time together we do genuinely fuck all night long.

I especially like looking at you when you are laying on the bed beside me and can only admire your pure and unpretentious beauty.

I especially like having you close in bed with your head on my chest and cuddling up to you when we finish making love.

You are so special to me and whilst I know we disagree on the whole soul mate thing in my mind you are most definitely mine.

You are my equal in every way and I respect you more than you know.

I know you often describe us as strangers but you know more about me than probably any other person on the planet. Believe it or not I very rarely tell anyone anything about the inner me – so believe me when I tell you “You are good” lol

I also love the way I feel inside you and the fact that I am big enough to please you and fill you deep.

I love trying new things and I know you sometime think me strange but I really enjoy giving you pleasure and never having used toys before this is opening up a whole new world to me and will give me many more ways to do so.

Thank you also for remembering me mention I had never fucked a woman in the Reverse Cowgirl Position and for jumping on and doing that for me.

I genuinely love everything about you and especially that fiery **** (reveals personal information) nature of yours because I can relate strongly to that passionate and intense side to you.

As our relationship grows we will become more in tune with one another of that I am sure and I will start to know what you are thinking and the mood you are in. The upside of our occasional fiery episode will be the fiery and passionate making up we get to do.

Thanks to you life is for living again and I look forward immensely to every text, chat and time we get together babe.

You complete me xxxxxxxxxxx

His words are much better than words than I. I am sceptical of his sweet sugar coated words, he is married, a cheat like I – how can his words be true? Then again, even if he was single I would still doubt anyone’s ability to see me in the way they do. Only I and you my dear reader know the true hidden extent of me and the life I lead. Even I forget at times that people read my words, only being reminded by the comments I receive. I panic that a reader knows about my life, the true extent of my fucked up behaviour. I then panic that Simon or anybody I know will find this blog and know everything about me.

Upon reading Simons reply I had tears in my eyes. I don’t know if it is the way he sees me, or the fact he is still a puppet? Or if deep down I get this sense of belonging with him, is this what it is like to be in love? Of course not, it is an affair ….it is a fantasy but what if…

What if…….these wildest moments are perfection

The wind is changing…

it is much colder in England, it feels like Autumn but only the 1st September. It is breezy and the fresh air catches my face and makes me smile. The nights are drawing closer and I hope we receive some sunshine before Autumn fully trickles through the darkened sky.

Something in me has shifted. To explain or describe it with words is impossible. I said a final good-bye to Mr M last week. For the first time in my life I didn’t want to “play” with him, pretending that I was sitting here waiting to see him while all along I am being entertained by Simon.

To: Mr M

From: Lucy

27th August

Hello Mr M,

I hope you had a joyful bank holiday week-end and rested for the week ahead, if not you have your week in the sun to look forward to.

Unfortunately I am reluctant to meeting you next week. Yes at times I miss the debate, your charasima – who wouldn’t? I even thought about our first night together as I’m booked to stay there through work soon (wonderful memories). Then again, I also remember the week we finished, you not contacting me/using that site and I guess I drifted away from you and I’m uncertain in regards to drifting back to you.

I don’t think there is anything else to say but a cherished thank you for allowing me to walk this secret path with you regardless of how short it was to be. You have a special soul.

I won’t contact you again but maybe I will send you an invitation on New Years Eve to see if you are open to an adventure for 2014…I will imagine you in the sun when I do so 😉

Enjoy the rest of 2013

******** – always this name with you 😉

I cried  after I sent it. Taking the first step in placing boundaries into my life is strange for me, usually I am on the receiving end of rules and boundaries from others.

The reply:

*******

That is a shame but as I always respect your opinion that’s the way it is.

Thanks though for your kind words they are reciprocated.

I look forward to your invitation on New Years Eve.

Mr M xx

As simple as that, the relationship was over.

I had thoughts of doing the same with Simon but I guess I am not ready yet to extend these boundaries onto other areas of my life. One step at a time is my mantra at present.

My hopes –

* to try and create harmony in my relationship with my husband.

This involves two sides – both he and I creating this harmony between us. I disclosed to him this week that “I feel suffocated by you criticism and something has to change or I will have no choice but to leave”. On reflection this seems like a threat but I have to place boundaries in this relationship and at quick pace.

I also reminded my husband that I told him 9 years ago I didn’t want to have the same dynamics within our relationship and here I am 9 years later and NOTHING has changed. He promised me he would change and seek therapy, this is the usual pattern of false promises. Maybe this time the pattern will change – A. he works with me or B. I leave instead of staying.

However something has changed in me already. I feel inner peace. I don’t need a man to reassure me of my self-worth, be that an affair or a husband. I want to take this journey of life knowing I have experienced it all, from my desires to my thoughts. I want to uncover the stones to know what really makes me laugh, to experience love in its purest form and to feel the excitement and the fear at the same time but not run (to having an affair)….I want to read like I used to do and not be consumed of guilt for not talking to my husband instead of reading…

I want to be Lucy….I want to be me…Will the real Lucy please stand up?