Wildest Moments……..

Sometimes I wonder if the calmness I feel is the calmness of the storm ahead or is it the aftermath of the storm I’ve been through?
I can’t decide….
Phew, it’s been a busy week with work. It has been welcomed as it leaves my personal life to one side. Then again, my personality is that of an addict, I swap from one addiction to another and I guess this week I have returned to the work addict. Like all my addictions, my busy week at work enabled me to experience the freedom from my thoughts, my actions…the feelings.
My boundaries, although still in practice have not worked to my advantage. With clear strength on Tuesday to avoid interactions with Simon it didn’t last long, one day to be exact. I lasted Tuesday afternoon, evening and finally caved in on Wednesday.
I ended the relationship via text, which only triggered anger in Simon. Apparently he is much more insecure in this affair than I. That’s the thing, the dynamics of what we have in our marriage comes to light at some stage within the affair. And like with my husband, I reassured Simon via an email.

To: Simon From: Lucy Date: 6th September 2013
Subject: Things I like about you.

To Simon, hopefully the below information will reassure you a little xx

1. The way you are simply you, saying it how it is and not simply agreeing with me for the sake of it (best quality).
2. It is all or nothing, black or white with you, funny or angry and just like your tattoos they are opposite also
3. Your accent – sexy
4. You have so much charisma
5. That we can speak about a wide range of subjects
6. How I can be just “me” in your company and for that little while I spend with you I forget the stress and feel so content. The most wonderful feeling
7. The way you rub my leg….mmmmm
8. The way you say hmmm hmmm
9. Your good morning texts make me smile
10. Seeing a message and finding its from you
11. The way your not afraid to try new things
12. For enabling me to trust you as I can simply enter sub space by having you near
13. For you not realising how much I adore you
14. Being attentive in every way, especially sexually
15. The sex with you is amazing, just one thought of you turns me on
16. You can simply show your insecurities and not care
17. Your patience – gosh you need it with me
18. That you can push my boundaries e.g. i would never had let anyone touch me like you did at that garden we visited
19. You make me feel safe in a strange sort of way
20. You don’t know how attractive you are
21. So calming when I cried, you didn’t try to fix the situation – you were there
22. Your cock, I wish to worship it 😉
23. Sometimes you ask me what that look is for / think I’m not pleased to be with / think I’m cold but you don’t realise that most times I’m just in awe to be in your company
24. That you spend time with me

His reply

Lucy

God I love you xxxxxx

Not in a threatening way to your marriage (I would never do that to you)

I miss you terribly when we are not together or we don’t speak or text for even a few hours

I continually have to pinch myself when you are with me as you are so beautiful, confident and drop dead gorgeous I ask myself what you could possibly see in me.

You make me smile just by thinking of you and I love your sense of humour and wicked imagination.

You do have one of the best poker faces I have ever seen and I’d hate to play against you – I’d be broke in no time lol 😉

I am always hard whenever I think of you or being with you or just listen to you.

You were amazing the other night when you deep throated me all the way down and I loved you for trying and wanting to do it to please me. Ass fucking next 😉 lol

You are insatiable and I love that when we do get time together we do genuinely fuck all night long.

I especially like looking at you when you are laying on the bed beside me and can only admire your pure and unpretentious beauty.

I especially like having you close in bed with your head on my chest and cuddling up to you when we finish making love.

You are so special to me and whilst I know we disagree on the whole soul mate thing in my mind you are most definitely mine.

You are my equal in every way and I respect you more than you know.

I know you often describe us as strangers but you know more about me than probably any other person on the planet. Believe it or not I very rarely tell anyone anything about the inner me – so believe me when I tell you “You are good” lol

I also love the way I feel inside you and the fact that I am big enough to please you and fill you deep.

I love trying new things and I know you sometime think me strange but I really enjoy giving you pleasure and never having used toys before this is opening up a whole new world to me and will give me many more ways to do so.

Thank you also for remembering me mention I had never fucked a woman in the Reverse Cowgirl Position and for jumping on and doing that for me.

I genuinely love everything about you and especially that fiery **** (reveals personal information) nature of yours because I can relate strongly to that passionate and intense side to you.

As our relationship grows we will become more in tune with one another of that I am sure and I will start to know what you are thinking and the mood you are in. The upside of our occasional fiery episode will be the fiery and passionate making up we get to do.

Thanks to you life is for living again and I look forward immensely to every text, chat and time we get together babe.

You complete me xxxxxxxxxxx

His words are much better than words than I. I am sceptical of his sweet sugar coated words, he is married, a cheat like I – how can his words be true? Then again, even if he was single I would still doubt anyone’s ability to see me in the way they do. Only I and you my dear reader know the true hidden extent of me and the life I lead. Even I forget at times that people read my words, only being reminded by the comments I receive. I panic that a reader knows about my life, the true extent of my fucked up behaviour. I then panic that Simon or anybody I know will find this blog and know everything about me.

Upon reading Simons reply I had tears in my eyes. I don’t know if it is the way he sees me, or the fact he is still a puppet? Or if deep down I get this sense of belonging with him, is this what it is like to be in love? Of course not, it is an affair ….it is a fantasy but what if…

What if…….these wildest moments are perfection

Affair partners…..

<p>”The big difference between buying a house and choosing a partner is, faulty houses make good renovation projections and faulty people don’t”. Steve Fowler

I don’t see people as faulty however I am mindful that no one is perfection.

With each man that has entered my life recently there seems to be this “history” that turns me off. I don’t know if I am merely uncovering stones in the hope of finding anything that will make me stay unattached to them. My dear husband regardless of his flaws doesn’t seem to have this “history” but maybe he was smart enough not to tell me.

Simon – he has enjoyed group sex, no no no – let me rephrase that. According to him he watched group sex but it was “wife swap” with another couple. When he first met his wife he took her along to meet another couple – she had sex with the man, he with the other women. Did you feel any jealousy Simon? No, I hardly knew her. Phew this man can be so emotionally detached at times, or is it me? Am I a prude? Prior to this, he spent a night with the same couple and it was sex all night. Did I really need to know that his manhood could perform like this? Or that they took a break half way to eat ham sandwiches? Ouch, ham sandwiches make me sick. And what really angers….he wants sex unprotected with me ..”If I had anything it would have shown by now”. (Simon, has never been tested but continues to think it would “show” somehow). What world is this man living in? Prior to him being married but in a relationship and asked “Are you married?” he would say no but not mention the relationship – “I was truthful really”. This sends alarm bells in my head for the mere fact that I could be asking a question and thinking I am being told the truth.

Mr Executive – I just can’t bring myself to talk about him as for once I’m feeling sorry for the wife. They required IVF to conceive and have a beautiful charming five year old daughter. The last child who is only 9 months was the most difficult, IVF failed several times causing stress for both he and his wife. What does he do? He has an affair (not with me). I didn’t realise until recently during deep conversations that his youngest was only 9 months. This just blew me off my feet. My open mind couldn’t accept that this man, who tried so hard to have a child with his wife could just go out and have an affair. I have never kissed or slept with Mr Executive nor am I planning to do so. Does this make me a good person? 😉

The honesty of these men is appealing but at the same time the information leaves me feeling angry.

I’m started to wonder what kind of aura I have to attract and let men like this into my life. If I was choosing a life partner they wouldn’t have made it passed the first drink. Should I really care about their life history as they never will be my life partner?

Then I am angry at “me”…I am like these men. I lie, I cheat, I leave my husband at the most vulnerable times. My anger for me is merely being projected at them, seeing the aspects I don’t like within me….disowning them and utilising my anger..full force at them.

Do I trust any of them? No. Do I want to trust them? No.

Then onto Mr M. He wanted to meet Tuesday of this week but I declined with an excuse of being busy. (I was busy planning to meet Simon, you see I tell the truth but not the full truth – I LIE). I didn’t correspond with him since to receive the following e-mail yesterday:

Lucy

Hope you are okay

I woke up this morning with a stronger desire than normal to fuck you very hard….

and….cum very hard in your mouth 😉

I am wondering if I could get to see you Monday 2nd or Tuesday 3rd September?

Have a good bank holiday

Mr M xxx

Another one…I asked him if he was back to that “site” where we had first met and he said no. But he was, looking and cheating on me. I have no right to be angry though as we never forged an “exclusivity” but he said many times without me asking “There is only you and my wife”. Only me and his wife? This makes me laugh, is there such a thing as an “exclusive” affair? Possibly not, for those who have experienced it or thought you did – good luck to you.

Why am I using my energy on these men? Over analysing their every word and hearing about their past.

I am at the stage that I think affairs are biting me and I wish to leave them far away…in never never land. To go on a journey to find me, forget about these men and find the containment within.

Dear Reader,

Sorry if my words cause you upset for the behaviour I do in secret.

I am not here to pretend to be an angel, quite the contrary. It is my own space where I tell my story like it is, no lies or secrets. I do not seek self-worth of my writing or through the men I encounter. There is an emptiness that none of them can fulfil or if I ever wish for them to do so.

I speak truth to the men I meet. I care not to change my life or change their life. I do not care for love, their money, their compliments but a  chance to escape from the wilderness of this life. Yes, there are many other ways to escape, you possibly have healthier ones than I but I do not judge you for your wrongs or rights.

Likewise, I care not for these men to ever leave their wives, if I get any inkling of this I leave and stop all contact with them. I do not beg these men to have an affair with me, they are open from the start. They treat me as they wish in the boundaries we have placed, this is the only respect we have for each other.

Maybe we are filth as you rightly pointed out, this is how I feel in my darkest moments; a form of self-punishment perhaps for all the good times I share with them?

Do I have regrets for the life I lead, yes I do but I don’t know how to stop or if indeed I want to. The pattern of my behaviour has been like this for so long but there has been many times I wanted to change and have but only to result in me lapsing.

For some, you may think I don’t love my husband. What is this based upon? The societal rules that you follow and what you are taught as love? Maybe I explore the meaning of love in other ways. I am not saying what I do is right, far from it.

I have looked at my husband many times, feeling the guilt and shame for my actions. I have finished with him but he says he is not ready to let go. In fact during those difficult times when I want our marriage to end and I am so close in telling him about my affairs it is then that he talks about “suicide”, how he couldn’t cope without me in his life and he just wouldn’t know what to do. This plays on my heart, yes I have a heart buried deep in my soul that you may not see within my blogs. I want to protect him but yet he knows I will always be there. I know I will never be there 100%.

We have tried couple therapy but I look at him in those vulnerable moments and I can’t help but to keep my secrets safe from him as I can’t dare to shatter his hope that me Lucy, his wife is not the faithful person he thinks. Therefore couple therapy is not useful unless we share all the parts of ourself..the good and the bad.

And like this blog, I have never sugar coated my words to describe my actions as good or bad. It is a safe haven for me to explore my thoughts, behaviour and feelings and hopefully one stage, like you my dear reader be the faithful lady to a husband that loves me.

I am sorry to have upset you.

Lucy x

At war with myself………

The week-end is far behind.

I met Simon for the third time on Sunday. I’m always late and on Sunday it was not different.

We met in a town we both hadn’t visited. He was going to take me on the back of his motorbike. I was to wear black jeans, heels and black t-shirt.

I was excited to see him but yet fearful of going on the back of the motorbike. It has been 10 years since I done so.

My Sunday was perfect. Yes I was scared (at first)…

“What if I fall off and someone has to phone my husband”?
“What if I get injured what do I tell my husband?”
“What if I die, my poor husband will know the terrible secrets I kept”.

All of these worries are with me all the time. I need not go on a motorbike to have them.

We stopped for lunch overlooking a river, both turned on by being in the close proximity of each other. I wanted him there and then, I could feel his hard cock under his leathers. Even for him to rub his hand over my legs while both on the motorbike seems to have engraved itself in my memories.

Wanting someone so much but yet not the place to do anything about it. Building the tension and frustration for what one can only expect to be pleasure at the end.

We parted in the most hottest of moments. A stranger no doubt would have thought those two people were as one, our bodies entangled in that car park and I couldn’t help but rub myself against him. The blissful moment of being so close to someone but yet having to way. Simon wanted me to orgasm there and then in the daylight of the car park, exposed to everyone and the elements of the rain to come. We eventually sat in my car and there before I knew it I was left alone with the 1 hour drive home.

Loads of relaxed drivers on the late Sunday drive home. In no rush, no doubt with their respectful partners or perhaps someone out there…was just like me.

I changed the minute I got home, my husband was due back anytime and he said I looked pretty. I smiled, wanting to hide in bed to not face the lies I would have to tell.

And so it is, Tuesday already. I spoke with Simon yesterday and then this evening…stolen secret moments.

We have yet to have sex but next week we plan to spend our first night together.

I don’t know if this is what I have signed up for in an affair or indeed what I was looking for. I had the most wonderful 10 years with Mr A, it was interlocked with love and sex as one. In all the men with the exceptions of my husband it was based solely on sex but here with Simon I am spending time sexually charged outside of the bedroom..visiting a garden, having coffee, lunch, motorbike and that scares me. The minute I feel any affection or warmth from him, I will run, I won’t explain but instead ignore his e-mails, telephone calls, texts and I will be looking for another.

The pattern I am well accustomed to. To scared to be attached to any individual or object, fearful that I may lose them. In all the times Mr A left his wife, I ran. With my own husband, I am running keeping these affairs to myself.

I am at war with myself.

Mr A…the end to the beginning

And so I see him before me, he’s taller…… broader shoulders and the deepest brown eyes I’ve ever seen.

The music would be loud in the room, we might be dancing, speaking of the day just gone…naked feeling the wind seep through the open windows. Perhaps watching the night sky, laughing more, longing, drinking red wine.

It was blissful times, going so quickly. We tried to slow it down, end it but we would end up in each other’s arms.

He was my lover, my friend to those who watched and didn’t know our secret we were soul-mates.

For 10 years we had an affair, yes for me there were many others but he was the one that stood close.

We knew some day, somewhere in the future our relationship would end. It had gotten deeper as each year passed. There was times you might have heard of us planning “if we were caught”, what would we do and how would we cope. In all the planning we didn’t for once think death would rip us apart.

He was happy to see me that evening, even the days before. Reminding me of what he wanted to do for me, with me and the anticipation made me want to quicken each day to have him with me.

Now I want to stall time, rewind and beg him not to visit me. It was my birthday and he was coming to celebrate leaving his wife and children in their family home.

The winter nights were upon us, the summer of 2009 was behind and I was to be married the following year, planning Christmas for the month ahead.

When he called he sung……….. down the phone. I smiled calling him my “favourite man” and describing what I would be wearing. I recall the blowing of kisses down the phone, my heart racing. We would have each other for two glorious nights….

The hotel was perfect for the retreat. Blissfully unaware I had approximately 30 minutes to prepare for his arrival. I showered and sprayed his favourite perfume.

In a faint moment I just knew something in my world changed, I felt anxiety that was overpowering. I phoned my husband to be first to make sure everything was okay and then Mr A….

Unbeknown to me my world had been crushed to a million pieces, there was no answer and would never be.

He was involved in a car accident. A fatal one.….part of me died that moment also.

It was several hours later that I was to know, sitting in that hotel room alone the sound of my mobile to be told by Derek, Mr A friend……. My world and all I knew disappeared. Only Derek knew of the deep affair between Mr A and I.

The pain was enormous…what happened that night I can’t really recall. I see visions of me curled in a ball, sobbing with no one to share the news with….

The next day Derek collected me and gave me the number of a therapist. He had no wise words with the exceptions of “you’re getting married next year, you need to continue”.

I spoke to Derek, every day for nearly a year after Mr A death….we ceased contact in 2010, the day before I got married. It was the only way I could deal with the guilt, the rawness of shame and the responsibility of Mr A death. I only knew for me to make a future I would have to cease all contact with Derek, the person who knew the secret.

I have never spoken with Derek since, at times he emails and attaches photos of Mr A, provides me updates of Mr A children or retell me memories that I know so well.

In therapy, I was able to speak for the first time of the secret affair I carried. I never spoke of the other lovers, in my eyes I only belonged to Mr A, my body, mind and soul.

Sometimes in therapy I laughed, I cried, I shouted and through it all I longed.

My husband to be provided me strength, he never once saw the broken heart I carried. Like the excitement of the affair, I kept my broken heart a secret.

I wish I could say I didn’t think of Mr A on my wedding day but I did. I rejoiced though, hopeful that somewhere he would see me dancing, laughing with the music too loud like he and I once did.

Does the pain get any easier? Sadly no, it is less profound but at moments, oh…those wildest moments of my life are awakened and for a slightest time I feel like I am dreaming..back in his arms where I belong, hearing his singing voice float through the air. I smile up at him and remind him “This has been perfect, it always has been”.

My lover by night

Night time falls across this land

While others asleep I am

awakened to the pumping blood of my heart

The moon will guide me

eagerly I do slip

Your waiting at the door with

a kindred heart so true

This is where the secrets

lye (lie) between you and I

I wonder who was here before I

To both our truths we know

won’t be each others last

For now until the dawn breaks 

it will only be our world

Only too soon we know its our time

day time falls across the land

While others awake I am

sleepy to your heart beat

So we return to the lives we belong so well

You a husband, a father

Me a wife, yet to be a mother

For now our secret belongs to the

night and our dear friend the moon

The innocent wife….my weekend part two

And so, I take to the stage again.

This time its Sunday morning.

I sucked my husband to his full length until he could take more, the whiteness slowly dripping from my lips.

In this role as the innocent wife, I wonder if the theatre would cheer, ask for more?

In my next role, will I be reunited with Mr M (again) and the sexually charged affair will be revisited.

For now, instead I shower. The cool water dripping over my heated skin, the trickles reaching my nipples and on attention they stand.

Like fingers to a guitar I gleefully play with my clit. Making sweet silent music of my own until the trembles enters my body and a slow murmur the song is signalled to end. For now my body was satisfied.

It was not to be enough, craving for a high….by mid afternoon yet again my body and mind wonders to another fantasy….

I’m tied up naked with a red ribbon, a body that is presented to be whipped with a cane and Mr M ordering for me to put buttocks further in the air…I flush with the wetness and craving growing..to hear me handsome and tall husband “our strawberries are nearly ready Lucy”.

Upon inspection, one in particular is near ready to eat. I wish to pick it, feel the juices of the strawberry run through me deep. I avoid the temptation, the same desired temptation to contact Mr M, tell him I made such a huge mistake about ending this affair…explain in fine detail on how I want his throbbing cock inside me….I stop the thoughts….

The feel of my husband caress the smallness of my back…the dress rides up and he goes on his knees, spreading my legs apart I play the role I know so well. The perfect innocent whore of a wife…where is my trophy for this innocence.

I’ve avoided the sweet temptation of contacting Mr M this weekend

and in the final call of being the perfect wife…

I clear my thoughts and only orgasam for my husbands tongue.

 

The innocent wife…my week-end part one

In true style, I played the role of the innocent wife with style this weekend.

On Saturday I embraced my husband with a love making session, his favourite up call. He came, as for I, a wilted flower waiting for the sun, i longed for an orgasam. Only making me miss Mr M more. Yet, I continued to play the role of loving wife, the itch on my skin getting worse…I felt the frustration burn.

We sunbathed in our beautiful garden with friends. Closing my eyes, feeling the heat of the sun I thought of Mr M, his fingers….

A friend captured the scene, my husband, dogs, friends and I. A beautiful picture, fairy like..a snapshot held in time. Yet if anyone could have read ….the jury would have been out. The innocent wife, the whore who was still longing for the moonlight hour…to be fucked with incredible force, to have her hair pulled like the the reins of a horse. Spanked until the breathlessness in him could do no more…..

My innocent weekend