Poem: Opening doors of things in my past…

25 Aug

The Abuse Expose' with Secret Angel

Opening doors of things in my past…
Like pulling scabs off wounds that still last.
Dealing with feelings long tucked away,
and questioning how to handle these feelings today.

Lies…those lies confronted me at the door…
Close it…close it, and open it no more!!!
For the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy,
but no longer can he play me like a used up toy.

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Oh dear friend….

24 Aug

There you are before me,

another stolen moment in time.

I’ve rushed here to be with you leaving the other men behind.

You’ve waited patiently by the table….

just as you have promised.

My fingers trail delicately over the parts of you I like best, opening your top neck,

this heart beat of mine quickens .

You smell better than I remember and

cold as ice to touch.

On bended knees I look at you.

In my mouth you want me best.

And who am I to disagree,

I am here to obey.

Raising you towards me,

my lips part with every breath.

My tongue twirls round your taste,

this is better than the last.

You fill my mouth with passion and my

taste buds they do reply.

There you hit the back of my throat,

this makes me want to smile.

From the first taste to the last drop my

body begins to sway.

Finally you will be empty and I will be satisfied but yet

craving for another drop.

Oh dear friend…..my glass of white wine

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Affair partners…..

24 Aug

Affair partners.....

<p>”The big difference between buying a house and choosing a partner is, faulty houses make good renovation projections and faulty people don’t”. Steve Fowler

I don’t see people as faulty however I am mindful that no one is perfection.

With each man that has entered my life recently there seems to be this “history” that turns me off. I don’t know if I am merely uncovering stones in the hope of finding anything that will make me stay unattached to them. My dear husband regardless of his flaws doesn’t seem to have this “history” but maybe he was smart enough not to tell me.

Simon – he has enjoyed group sex, no no no – let me rephrase that. According to him he watched group sex but it was “wife swap” with another couple. When he first met his wife he took her along to meet another couple – she had sex with the man, he with the other women. Did you feel any jealousy Simon? No, I hardly knew her. Phew this man can be so emotionally detached at times, or is it me? Am I a prude? Prior to this, he spent a night with the same couple and it was sex all night. Did I really need to know that his manhood could perform like this? Or that they took a break half way to eat ham sandwiches? Ouch, ham sandwiches make me sick. And what really angers….he wants sex unprotected with me ..”If I had anything it would have shown by now”. (Simon, has never been tested but continues to think it would “show” somehow). What world is this man living in? Prior to him being married but in a relationship and asked “Are you married?” he would say no but not mention the relationship – “I was truthful really”. This sends alarm bells in my head for the mere fact that I could be asking a question and thinking I am being told the truth.

Mr Executive – I just can’t bring myself to talk about him as for once I’m feeling sorry for the wife. They required IVF to conceive and have a beautiful charming five year old daughter. The last child who is only 9 months was the most difficult, IVF failed several times causing stress for both he and his wife. What does he do? He has an affair (not with me). I didn’t realise until recently during deep conversations that his youngest was only 9 months. This just blew me off my feet. My open mind couldn’t accept that this man, who tried so hard to have a child with his wife could just go out and have an affair. I have never kissed or slept with Mr Executive nor am I planning to do so. Does this make me a good person? 😉

The honesty of these men is appealing but at the same time the information leaves me feeling angry.

I’m started to wonder what kind of aura I have to attract and let men like this into my life. If I was choosing a life partner they wouldn’t have made it passed the first drink. Should I really care about their life history as they never will be my life partner?

Then I am angry at “me”…I am like these men. I lie, I cheat, I leave my husband at the most vulnerable times. My anger for me is merely being projected at them, seeing the aspects I don’t like within me….disowning them and utilising my anger..full force at them.

Do I trust any of them? No. Do I want to trust them? No.

Then onto Mr M. He wanted to meet Tuesday of this week but I declined with an excuse of being busy. (I was busy planning to meet Simon, you see I tell the truth but not the full truth – I LIE). I didn’t correspond with him since to receive the following e-mail yesterday:

Lucy

Hope you are okay

I woke up this morning with a stronger desire than normal to fuck you very hard….

and….cum very hard in your mouth 😉

I am wondering if I could get to see you Monday 2nd or Tuesday 3rd September?

Have a good bank holiday

Mr M xxx

Another one…I asked him if he was back to that “site” where we had first met and he said no. But he was, looking and cheating on me. I have no right to be angry though as we never forged an “exclusivity” but he said many times without me asking “There is only you and my wife”. Only me and his wife? This makes me laugh, is there such a thing as an “exclusive” affair? Possibly not, for those who have experienced it or thought you did – good luck to you.

Why am I using my energy on these men? Over analysing their every word and hearing about their past.

I am at the stage that I think affairs are biting me and I wish to leave them far away…in never never land. To go on a journey to find me, forget about these men and find the containment within.

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The e-mail

23 Aug

The e-mail

While deleting e-mails last night I came across one from Mr M that I hadn’t previously deleted. It was sent in the midst of winter, January to be exact. I can remember the coldness, the closeness we shared but they are merely far away thoughts.

The subject was: What animal would you be?

I remember him phoning me in the midst of returning his e-mail for him to provide the answer to what I would be.

A wild horse.

A wild horse?

I wanted to be a “nice” kitten, an animal to be held, looked after, caressed and cherished. Deep within me this desire must exist on a human level.

Instead, I project this image to the outside world….

* Dressed in pencil skirts & shirts mid-week then the relaxed look at week-end. I will be the one wearing the dress on the Saturday night, holding hands with my husband usually within a group. I’m the friendly one, making everyone laugh – hugging & kissing friends and family on both cheeks as they arrive and leave. Everyone will feel desired and loved, I’m still waiting for that feeling to arrive with me but nobody seems to notice as I’m the…..

* impermeable one to who meets me.

* Fiercely independent, the quality they most admire but if someone took their time, to really uncover this pretence they will see the fears that drive the independence, keeping me “alone” with no real attachment and constantly running from the outside world and the thoughts I have within me.

* The charming female, there is an actress within me. I’m always listening, responding with the right words. I get to know you like no other, telling me fears and dreams, I carry everyone’s secrets well. While the real me is hidden, I carry my secrets upon my back in a heavy sack.

In secret….

* I cry alone, the sadness getting too much. My eyes become swollen and I look like I have hay-fever.

* I daydream of being a princess for a day 😉

* I watch myself in the mirror, disliking the parts of me that many love…my eyes “Lucy, the windows to your soul”. If you saw my soul and the things I do, would you be my friend. “Your smile lights up the room”….it covers my breaking heart….”You have perfect legs”…would you still like them if you saw them wrapped around a strangers body last night?

* I have sex with married men. Entering an affair to escape the reality. I play them like a violin, enticing them to leave them without a good-bye.

* I spend nights with these men but leave during the middle of the night or early morning (5/6am). Unfortunately with Simon I stayed till morning (note to self: don’t do this again).

And to the animal, what would I be….the wild horse. Mr M was right. Unfortunately I’m too scared to be that kitten, to be rejected and left alone.

Until the wild horse meets the kitten within, I continue…it’s another day, the pencil skirt is waiting to mask this body of mine, the smile is ready to come and there I will walk. This body of mine will carry me, fending off the demons in my head…I’m a strong and independent women longing to be the submissive that’s in my head.

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Stolen afternoon

22 Aug

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XOJjikWX3sQ&feature=relmfu

You were late from having to drive from afar. I waited in the country pub and heard about the world of a bar man. The bar man thought I was stood up but there you came, heads turning in your presence mine wanted to bow down, look at the floor whilst on my knees.

During lunch we spoke of life, our partners and you asked me what it would be like if we met before we got married. You are 18 years older, would it ever have been possible four us? I kept my thoughts secret from you.

You drove us to visit a garden, we were the only visitors. Yes, you do take me to the most wonderful places.

There was a swing reminding us both of our childhood or possibly kinkier things (we didn’t speak of the latter but did you think it?). I went on it, swinging higher and higher, your eyes watching my every move, my hair flowing in the breeze and I left all my outside world behind “Lucy you look carefree with freedom, so beautiful”. Yes you do, is it the swing or you that makes me this way?

You dusted the back of my skirt afterwards, it must have been years prior to the swing being used. And there in the middle of the wilderness of the open garden you spanked me. It must have lasted 5 minutes, shoes dropping from my hands awoke me from the spell bound you capture me in.

It was your first time to spank a female, you enjoyed it. I asked, how do you know you enjoyed it? I smiled while doing it and loved the affect it had on you.

A gardener was coming our way and we eventually sat beside a pond. You were hard while I sat on top of you, facing away. Your right hand etching my pencil skirt apart feeling my skin underneath and the other hand rubbing my hand “cum for me Lucy” I really wanted to, this felt so right regardless of where we were. I was wet and exploding on your magical fingers. I wonder if the gardener watched.

“I want to be inside Lucy, imagine my long thick dick gliding into you, pushing deeper and deeper, my heavy balls would be hitting your ass”.

Yes, I think of it often, even now. Picturing the scene makes me want you more, I guess you know by planting a seed like I’m somewhere in the world belonging to you.

Coffee and cake finished the visit to the garden. I had wet marks on my skirt from your touch, we laughed. You told the owner about “our” garden, it has pear trees, there is honeysuckle and nettles. She advised you to make nettle tea and that nettles are good for wildlife. Your not a keen gardener, different from me I love gardening but we don’t live together, never will visit each others houses. But you tell me “I will be with you until your dying day”. I don’t say anything to this, too afraid to look at our futures. Lets just enjoy the moment.

Standing in that car park our bodies parted, our minds haven’t. We saw each other driving and I blew you sweet kisses. Our minds are still together as we have texted since.

Thank you for the stolen Wednesday afternoon.

Video

Come away with me….

21 Aug

Wait, before you answer. This is what I promise.

You will feel wanted and desired, something you are missing from home. She is too busy for you at the moment but I am only busy for wishing to be with you.

My eyes will only be for you. She once had eyes for you but she is now too busy with life to notice you.

The body I have is for you to touch. I will not reject you like she does when you touch her, I will beg for your touch.

Your words is all I wish to hear, I will listen about your day and ask questions she does not wish to ask.

What will happen afterwards?
We will go our separate ways, she will be waiting for you at home.

Will you keep in contact with me?
Of course my dear, a text, e-mail and telephone calls. Does she contact you like this?

Will I see you again?
In those stolen moments, I will invite you to leave your world behind again. We will meet somewhere in between. She will not know, your secret (me) is safe

Come away with me…..

Beat out by Charmin

19 Aug

Valley Girl Gone Country

RPFa245560

Seriously Freshly Pressed committee???  TP or NOT TP?? ….. I know it’s not a competition of sorts but in a way I feel as though I was beat out by the very thing I wipe my ass with.

I know it’s highly unlikely that the Freshly Pressed committee would recognize a newbie like myself or find my writing ability to be less than Freshly Pressed worthly but there is that little ray of hope that I have that one day I would get that email stating that I was “Freshly Pressed”.I even went to bat for the FP committee when I read a post that stated that the committee only chooses those who are white, which I thought was ludicrous!!! not like this little rant is going to get me to that spot; it would most likely get me black balled for a few years. Don’t get me wrong and…

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